Sad.

Why am I sad?

I broke up with Kevin. I think I hurt him. He didn't seem surprised. He doesn't seem hurt. Does that mean he didn't love me either? Why didn't he do anything about it, then?

Did I do the right thing by breaking up with him? I think I did.

Do I want him back? No, I don't think I do. I mean, I had that dream about Zack. Yeah, that dream. Clearly, my subconscious has moved on. But does that mean that I don't want or like or need or love Kevin at all anymore?

Kevin is still thinking about me. At one in the morning.

Mary and Alex broke up. Cordy can't decide between Sky and Zack. Mitchy and Cat are having a ton of drama. Zack obviously is paying more attention to Cordy than to me. It feels like the only person who really cares about me right now is Kevin. And he's the one person who I want to just leave for a little bit while I get better.

Yes, maybe this is selfish. But when I'm sad, I want to be the center of attention. I want people to notice that I'm sad. I want to talk about it. This is why I need that teddy bear.

This is why I've thought about cutting myself, about suicide.

I know I shouldn't. And I haven't ever actually done anything. But I feel like I need to compete for people's attention. At this point, I would do almost anything to get my friends to notice me. I just broke up with my boyfriend. The last thing I want to do is be alone. But I am. They tell me I'm never alone. And then they don't listen to me when I try to talk to them. I just want someone to notice me, to pay attention to me, to really care about me. I want someone I can talk to.

I feel so alone.

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[Ron Jeremy]

I don't mean to be blunt here, but this isn't something that necessarily belongs on writer's cafe. A journal entry? perhaps, but this is not a story nor is it anything really written for writing's sake. The discussion of what appears to be high school drama and you indecisiveness over boys, (or perhaps unhappiness? I can't tell from this since you appear to want one but none will want you it seems) should be reserved for giggling circles during lunch hour.