Perfect

This is crazy.

I just met you yesterday, and started talking to you the day before. I don't know you well enough to like you enough to be feeling this way. It makes no sense. I don't understand it.

But it happened. You kissed her.

I told you my secrets, how I felt, things that I've never told anyone before. And you still kissed her.

It could have been anybody. Someone I don't know, don't care about hurting. It had to be her.

My best friend. The worst thing you could possibly do. Worse than just rejecting me. Worse than even telling me you hate me or you think im crazy. No. You had to kiss her. 

Not once. Not twice.

I had to make up a lame excuse just to get away from that. To get way from the jealousy. To get away from the hurt. To get away.

I don't know why I'm jealous. I don't know why I'm hurting. I should be happy for her. I should be happy for both of you. You are so lucky to have her, she's such a great girl. And she's so incredibly lucky to have you in all your greatness.

You are just so perfect. Cute, sexy, muscular. Funny, nice, sweet, adorable. Caring. Sensitive. You speak Spanish. You're a hipster. You write poetry. Poetry!

And good poetry, at that. Poetry about anything. Poetry about everything. You do things with words that I've never been able to do, no matter how hard I try. You write about things that I'm too afraid to write about. Your writing inspires me to try things I've never tried before. Already I've written about you, becasue of you, for you. I was able to do something that I've never been able to do, no matter how hard I tried. I wrote about something that I was afraid to write about. It doesn't matter that I was too afraid to publish it, I still found it in myself to write it.

Maybe if you knew all this, it would change things. Maybe you'd think about me differently. Maybe you'd feel the same way that I feel about you.

But it's too late for that. You changed everything. Crushed my hopes and my heart. You kissed her.

She and I talked about it. You had the power to choose whoever you wanted. We weren't going to do anything about it, just let you make your decision.

You didn't know there was a decision to be made. You didn't know anything about how I felt. Feel. Until I told you. After you made your decision.

Maybe I should have talked to you before then. Maybe I should have said something earlier. When we were talking, just the two of us. When we were talking about her. I could have said something then. Before you kissed her. To let you know you still had options. That I was one of them.

But I didn't. I didn't say anything. I waited. Until it was to late. You had already kissed her. There was no point in me saying anything. Maybe I hoped I would change your mind.

I was stupid to think that. Clearly, you liked her. I should have realized how much that was true. How little chance I had. You so obviously liked her. You so obviously didn't even consider me. You just had "that cutie." You wanted to know if she was interested in another guy. It was "mildly important." How did I not realize your intentions, predict what was going to happen within the hour? How did I not see it coming?

How could I still think I stood a chance?

I didn't.

Maybe, if I show this to you, you'll realize how I feel about you, and maybe hesitate a tiny bit, reconsider your decision.

And maybe it will f**k up our friendship even more.

I shouldn't have said anything at all. I should have just accepted that she and you have what you have, and that I can't do or say anything to change that. I should have accepted that friends is all we can be. We could be friends still. I almost fucked it up yesterday, but somehow, you still want to be my friend. It's already awkward. I don't want to try to change anything else.

Yes, showing you this could make you change your mind and at least consider me as an option.

But probably all that would happen is you would realize how crazy I am, and try to stay away from me as much as you can.

I went through all this back in December. It took months for things to get even close to how they had been.

I don't want that to happen with you. I know I can't have you in the way I want. I just have to be content being friends. If that's all I have, I will do anything to keep it that way.

Like he said, if I can't go out with you, I'd like to at least be able to say hi to you, to be your friend.

You are really and truly an amazing person. I am proud to call you my friend. And she is the luckiest person on Earth to have you.

I thought I had found my perfect guy.

But you aren't the perfect guy if you don't like me.

You like her. And I know she feels the same as I do, if not more.

She's the one who found her perfect guy, and I can't bring myself to say that I want her to lose that.

I guess I just have to deal with it.