Amore

A short sequence / chapter - my starting point for an idea I’m working on.

‘Hello, you’.

She examined his face with her penetrating green eyes, running her finger nails through his bristly black beard. She admirably inspected his hair for the odd grey and white stray and she would linger there, rolling it back and forth between her finger and thumb, as if playing with all the memories she knew he kept from her.

He smiled. It was a half smile where just the right corner of his mouth lifted. The smile in his eyes said so much more, conveying a sense of knowing. He looked back up at the woman sitting on his lap, keeping eye contact just enough to excite her, not enough to reassure her.

‘Amore’, he replied.

He pulled her in by her hips; her forearms now resting on his chest as she caressed the hair on the back of his neck. They were close now. Close enough that he could see the deep contours of her luscious lips, close enough to see the white of her teeth when she smiled widely as she noticed where he was looking.

It had been a long 6 months since they last saw each other. Each parting had ended in tears and confusion. Neither one knew how or when this next meeting would begin or end, but as usual their sense of familiarity brought them quickly close again as if time and space had never separated them in the first place.

Time. It can carry with it such blessings and such burdens. This time, enough had passed between Elle and Youssef that the sense of confusion had disappeared. All the questions Elle had previously wanted to ask no longer seemed important to her. Youssef could sense her new found peace and calm. He wondered what must have happened during these past six months to change her in such a way. Where was the impulsive, imperious girl who told him to leave almost a year ago in the middle of the night? Only to plead with him to stay, then to seek him out months later and finally end things out of the blue with no apparent good cause?

Youssef didn’t want to disturb her peace, so he thought better of asking her. He was enjoying this shift he felt in Elle and daren’t say anything to change it. Not for now, at least.

Reviews

[R.E. Ray]

As an aspiring novelist, I'm impressed with this snapshot between Elle and Youssef. Though I can only imagine where this fits in a novel, I'm thinking first three chapters. They know each other and seem comfortable in each other's presence, but each is withholding something from the other. Being together, perhaps intimately, has given Elle more comfort and trust in Youssef, but she's still looking for a reason to not trust him, perhaps because she's been burned before, trusting too soon, giving too much without an equal amount in return. That's what I read. You can certainly write in a way that captures emotions and moods, and that's rare. Well done.

[Laura Kate]

It means a great deal to me that you took the time to read and review this extract R.E Ray. My poems lately have been turning into longer pieces which are coming together to make short stories or are developing into chapters. I really enjoyed your interpretation of this. I may request you to read another extract if you don't mind? This is a new approach for me so I really appreciate your thorough and supportive review - thank you!

[R.E. Ray]

Of course. I look forward to reading more.

[barleygirl]

Your writing and storytelling are strong & well-crafted. So I'll cut to the chase & talk about the paragraph that starts with the one-word sentence: "Time." This is where it starts to feel like you're skipping over the laborious process of SHOWING instead of telling. This entire paragraph could be stretch into several paragraphs, showing a bit of dialogue, for example, where she might've thought about questioning him about something, but then thought better of it and chose another way to respond to him. Show us this happening instead of telling us about it. This could be done for a number of statements made in this long (next-to-last) paragraph. I really like your character development & the direction the storyline is going (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Laura Kate]

You're right Margie, I definitely felt a shift wiring this paragraph. Thanks so much for your feedback as always :) Best, Laura.

[barleygirl]

I'm an impatient person. I always get to a point in the story where I want to just get this damn thing done, so I switch to telling, which is much faster than showing!!!!!

[Laura Kate]

Duly noted, thanks so much for the advice :)