Dear Little Sister, Letter 5

Met the devil in an old hotel, seems I don't have much soul to sell

I'm sorry for tears I made you cry.

I'm sorry for the promises that turned to lies.

Dear Little Sister,

Secrets hurt people, lies hurt people and more often than not the truth destroys people.

Over the years I must admit I've done things I am not proud of, I also have tried to be a better person more than ever recently.

I can say that I have trust issues, I don't trust many people and there is often something that holds me back from letting trust just happen naturally.

I received some news this week, and it was the kind of news that makes you realise that even those you trust the most hide things because they think it is what's best for you, people should just be truthful from the get go, if I react badly to being told something so be it but at least I know the truth rather than a secret that has been hidden from me for years!

It does make me realise though that my issue with trusting people is not because I have been emotionally scarred from my life or that there have been too many occasions where people have let me down, it is simply because I have a need to be alone and the best way is to not let people in.

I have already told you that more recently there have been a couple of new people in my life who I do trust and they have been good to me in the way that they have made me feel like a friend. Now I know I annoy them, probably more frequently than they admit or like to tell me, but they are still kind to me and have been a great source of support when I have been struggling recently with real life and things that have been thrown my way.

I do worry how long that lasts though? I recently have decided that I need to speak to someone about the thoughts in my head and It is mainly because one of them made me realise that it is so much better to talk to a person about all of the awkward stuff and get it out there in the open.

But I worry that I will lose touch with them or that they will get bored of stuff that is going on with me, this maybe just my darkness whispering in my ear but what if it's not.

One of them has been so good to me in terms of advice and almost to a point counselling lately and I really appreciate it, and then the other has just always been the person I can rely on to make me laugh and to say the right thing to make me realise that maybe stuff isn't so bad. She is the one I am most worried about pushing away, I know my pattern and I know that I repeat the same mistakes with people and I already feel like that has begun.

My concerns may turn into nothing, but this is why I need to speak out, I need to do more for me and so in what some may consider selfish I am looking out for myself more with some of my actions and decisions.

I've been pushing myself physically lately, trying to keep healthy but at the same time causing pain to mask any sort of emotions I might have, I regret doing this now as I hurt.

I have also realised that sometimes the past can come back to haunt you and not in a good way, I need to confront any hang-ups or demons I have and just live a happy life and be there for those that may need me along the way.

Writing to you has helped me focus what I need to do, but don't worry little sister it doesn't mean I am going to stop, I still have so many other thoughts in my head and you are the one person I know that I can trust with everything.

I am not going to push people away even though it is my natural instinct to do so, I do hope that in some cases it's not too late, but I want people to like me for me (flaws included) and it's a long time since I have felt that way rather than just being ok to be on  my own.

There has been a lot recently advertised about it's ok not to be ok, I'm not sure that is always true as there is often judgement and ignorance that comes with admitting that you are not ok, and I can admit that I'm not. However I'm working on it and processing it all the best I can, I will see where that leads and I will face all of my demons from now on face to face rather than keeping them locked away .

I have not been honest with myself for a long time, I have not been happy with myself for an even longer time and now I am finally doing something about it.

I do so wish that you were still here, wish I could turn back the hands of time and change a lot of things, not make the same mistakes that I now have so many regrets about. I know I can't and I know that I can't and that I now have to keep forging a new path for myself and all that I love.

Speak Soon

Big Brother x