Dear Little Sister, letter 4

letter 4, still finding my way through the dark

'I'm Only Happy when it Rains'

Dear Little Sister,

It's been a rough week, one of those weeks where what normally may seem a big problem pales in comparison to what is going on in other people's lives.

I'm worried about Mum, she is not well and hasn't been for a while, I'm worried what the next lot of doctor's tests will show and what that will look like for the future.

She is strong our Mum, and this week has highlighted to me how much we depend on our her, even now I know I can tell her anything and she will always be there to help and without you here to talk to I know that if anything happened to her I would be even more lost.

This week has also given me clarity to what I need to do so that I can break free of some of the pressure and burden I put upon myself. I talked about the dark inside and how there are some people in my life that have helped me see past some of it, but I still feel weighed down, and I have realised that I can't continue to be the person I normally am if I want to move on.

It is always good to know that in some people I can confide in and that they will make no judgement on me and still be there for me, I also realised that sometimes you can not see someone for a very long time but it won't matter when it comes to them needing you, as you will drop it all to make sure they are ok.

That happened this week, the friend who has been with me for most of my life, the fiend who supported me most when I lost you, he needed someone this week and even though it has been a long time since we have spoken I made sure he knew I was there for him.

It doesn't matter about anything else when it comes to real friends, a only have a handful of people that know me, but I am happy at that because I know that I can trust them. More recently there were 2 others that I would happily add to that small list, but this time it was the one who has been there longer than anybody else.

Remembering all of the good times we had, going out, having fun, literally doing what we could to enjoy life. The moments that you have in life that when you think about them they just bring a smile to your face, a lot of them involve me and him.

I sit here writing this knowing that the circumstances that we got back in touch with each other are not the greatest, but we have got back in touch and I will make sure that he knows that I will always be here if I am needed.

My head hurts from this week, I have come to accept the fog that blurs my mind is part of me and that I will maybe never see everything as clear as I would like to. I have also accepted that I feel so tired and without fight because of the way my head is right now, and that I don't know how I can get that fight back, but I need to for everyone's benefit I really need to.

But today I am feeling drained, my head hurts and where I thought I had some clarity, fog remains, I am also concerned because I have no idea where the next part of my life is taking me and I have never been a big fan of uncertainty.

I asked the question of someone recently that if we don't have trust what is left? They couldn't answer that question but I think that is because they don't want to be honest around what the answer meant. I maybe the same, I know the answer but if I give that answer then I am alone to face the dark with no one and nothing to shine any light into it.

What if I don't answer that question though? What if I hide like I have been doing for so long, what then?

I wouldn't be alone, but I know there would be dark still consuming me from within, I know that the fog will still be there clouding my judgement and vision, but am I the one to really say that we give up now and don't work through it more than we already have done?

I need to make up my mind on what comes next, I need to be brave in my decisions and have some hope that from there I can make a new path for myself that leads me away from darkness, away from the shadows and away from the fog.

In my heart I know that I have some strength to do this, but I don't know if it is enough as I am so tired of fighting it all the time, I am worn down from all of the battles I have had to endure over the years and constantly picking myself up to battle on has started to take its toll on me.

I enjoy the dark, is that the answer? Do I stop fighting it and embrace that person, that demon that lives inside of me? Do I forgo everything that I want to be, that I want to believe I can be and just be the person who accept that it won't happen and I will always be lead into the dark?

I don't know anymore, I don't even know if there is time to change it.

I love you always little sister, I miss you always.

xx