Dear Little Sister Letter 3

Letter 3, doesn't get any easier to write to you.

Dear Little Sister,

When I sat down to write this my intention was to continue talking about the times where love has been in my life. I have gone from complete love, to love that comes with power, however this time I had come to a different type of love.

I realise now that to talk to you about this love will bring me to a place that I am not ready to be at so I will wait until I am ready to progress that conversation.

So instead I want to focus on a couple of things, friendship and also the dark (or more so the dark inside of people).

When I look back on all of the great times I have had with friends, the ups and the downs, the late nights and the early, early mornings it brings a smile to my face. Truly I have been blessed with some great memories across my life and you little sister were there for a lot of them.

There was many a night where we all ended up in the same place you with your friends and me with mine and what great nights they usually were.

The time that we were in Ibiza together and you vanished so myself and my best friend had to walk around the island in the blazing sun on little sleep to find that you were at the hotel he whole time hanging out with a friend you had met!!

That was you though, wasn't it! Even through it all you played by your own rules and didn't stop fighting, not once did you stop not until you couldn't fight anymore.

You know that as your big brother I should have been able to look after you, to protect you and to make things ok but I couldn't this time, I couldn't make it all go away!!

I have always kept a small group of friends, I remain guarded and I don't let people in, I will never forget my oldest friend being there when I found out how sick you really were, he was a rock for me and probably kept me from doing something I would regret(or at least something else).

Recently I met a group of people that meant something to me, I never took much time to get attached to people at work, after all jobs and teams change and there was never a need to be anything different then a colleague, I never saw the point.

Then they entered my life, they challenged me, made me one of them and actually did a great job to go along with it all.

We laughed together, if they were sad I felt sad for them, if they needed to talk I would be there for them and if their confidence was shaken I would always be there to build them up.

It was the first time that I had really been like this with an individual or team, so when it had to end I felt genuine sadness to be leaving them.. I knew we would all be ok but it felt like we were on the start to something really good as a team and it felt sad that I wouldn't witness that go further.

In this group there were 2 in particular that made me so happy to have met them. Out of the whole team they were the two people that I know I could talk to about anything, it is because of them that I began these letters as they made me realise that I needed to find a way of letting go.

They will always hold a special place in my heart because they let me into their own group and treated me fairly, I know I annoyed them sometimes (or a lot) but they were always there to support me in anything to do with work or even personal things as well.

I can honestly say that in their own way they saved me a bit, not from anything stupid but just my own head and I would do anything for them if ever they needed me, I would drop anything if they required help or just to talk no matter what. I will never be able to thank them enough.

The funny thing is that they are also two of the most silly people that I have met who genuinely make me laugh and it was hardest of all to leave them behind, even though I know I will still see them again.

People like these come along few and far between and they make you realise that no matter what darkness you hold onto inside, there are always those that will see you in another way and will make room in their life for you.

I know that inside I am a good person, I try to help who ever I can and will not change that, however I also know that I have darkness in me as well and that is what scares me the most.

Some people are naturally filled with goodness and light and couldn't hurt anyone in any way, there are some that make mistakes and will always try to their best and there are others that are just bad or evil. Some people know that they have dark inside of them and that most of the time it is within their control and will to keep it there locked up inside, however sometimes it does begin to consume how you act or what you feel and it is at those times that it's hard to control.

I have lashed out, I have sad thing I didn't mean, I have become angry, I have hurt people in some way. I am tired, so tired of storing it all inside due to the perception of who I am. I am so tired little sister of fighting it anymore.

I want to be that good person, I don't want the shadows and demons of my past to control who I am.

Everything that I want to achieve or have achieved is because of my drive to escape from my past or my own mind, nothing I do is good enough and I always have to keep going just to not let it consume me.

What happens if I stop? What happens if I just accept things for the way they are? Do I risk everything in the hope that I set myself free of my burdens?

I wish you were here right now.

Love always x