Dear little sister letter 2

I continue to speak to my sister about my take on love, my head is full of so much pain and I need to let someone know.

Dear little sister,
The goodbyes came and went and all that was left was the pain, I recall feeling numb watching Mum scream at the nurses as her little girl went to sleep for the last time.
You had battled so bravely through it all for 4 years, it had taken a toll on your body but you were always fighting and enjoyed every day like it was your last no matter how you were feeling.
How many nights were spent on an arm chair sitting at your bedside so mum and dad could get rest and so that you were not alone at night. We still had so much fun through the good and the bad, we still laughed and cried together and that didn’t change.
I have kept it all in and it’s now that I have had so much change in my life its built up and little sis I have never felt so saddened by all the things I have never spoken about before.
Recently I met a group of people that got to me, I never let anybody in and I never felt that I needed a shoulder to cry on but then there was them. They all individually mean something to me and have made a difference to my thinking lately and there are a couple of them who actually mean the world to me and have showed me so much kindness, it’s because of them that I have it in me to write to you. We will get to all of that at some point but my darling sister they have made me so happy and so sad all in one just because they treat me like a friend, I will never thank them enough.
There is so much more to tell you, there are so many more days and nights that we should be out doing silly things, the people that should have had the chance to meet you and love you like we all do.
So I guess I need to continue talking about love, last time it was about the love that completely consumed my world, and to a larger part still affects me now.
Stay(I missed you), King of wishful thinking �" Where is my mind, Next Ex-Girlfriend.
Trying to get over someone is never easy, especially when it was your fault it ended and they were such a huge part of your life. Sis you were still here when I went through a new girl on a regular basis and if I was using music they went from Crazy in Love (do you remember when that one turned up at mums, months after we had split up and mum sat and spoke to her and gave her a lift home) to the number of them that fell into I bet that you look good on the dance floor, but none of them made a difference in how I felt. However as you know someone else did come along and that was the 2nd time that I felt love if not in a different way.
The power of love (or love when it gives you power)/ complicated
I was given your number on afternoon, at this point I wasn’t really thinking about anything else apart from my younger sister. She had been sick for a while at this point and after the official diagnosis there was no room in my life for anything else.
But I did call you and we did meet up, you were different to other girls, we were similar, you were sure of yourself and I liked that confidence. There was also the fact that you were the daughter of one of the big bosses where we worked, now friends had warned me that it would be a mistake but at this point I had little regard for anything remotely connected to wellbeing.
So we went out a few times for drinks and then we were together, I have to say it was good to be with someone who had fun and was like minded but if I’m honest the main reason was what being with you gave me. Suddenly I was being promoted at work, your dad liked me and even though I have always been a hard worker it didn’t matter as he was asking my opinion on things that I would never been involved in before and things were looking good.
The villa in Spain, the boat rides to sit and watch fireworks, the dinners at your house with the biggest pond I had ever seen. I was in love with you because I had been hypnotized by everything that love had given to me in a short space of time.
There was always the material side of things when it came to you, I didn’t mind after all what else did either of us need. You got on ok with my friends and I would go out with you and yours on a regular basis. We spent so many nights out and I could at least numb any previous feelings I had, there was one issue though you got in the way of me giving my sister attention.
From the phone call when I was at the hospital with her to question where I was, to the conversations that we never had because I didn’t want to hear about anything else because it paled in comparison and why would I?
Eventually it all became too much like hard work for both of us and we grew apart and I am sorry for anything I said to you out of anger or frustration I didn’t mean it and you were always important to me in some respect.
It didn’t end there, you were still around even when I met someone new you were there, part of me knew that I got with her to get at you and it worked, you couldn’t have me but she definitely couldn’t and you made sure that was the case. I was still attracted to the power that was still there and it caused no end of problems. I had to get out of the situation so I moved it was the only way to make sure it didn’t happen again, I was still wrong.
You wanted more
Months went past when I got a text asking if we could meet, I agreed after all we were both in relationships and there was no chance that there was anything else there. I was shocked when I met up with you, we went for a walk as you showed me the bruises, I was going to kill him you were glad I was there for you. The issue came when the next day you messaged me and my girlfriend read it, there was nothing to it and we did nothing wrong but that led to me being laminated and I ended up in hospital, ironically in the same ward as my sister. You then sent me another message to say that if I didn’t want to be with you then you were just going to stay with him, I was confused why you would do that to yourself but also why you thought that we could go back to being us again? I would be there if you needed me but I couldn’t give you more than that not now.
Years have passed since we last spoke, I still see occasionally in passing but nothing more, I was in love with you and it was powerful, maybe if the timing had been different we would have worked out, maybe?
You did make me realise that I can’t be in love with the idea of power, I also couldn’t have the love that I had felt before as I would not be crushed like that again. If I was going to find love it would be for a completely different reason.

So little sister, there is the 2nd part of my take on love. In essence love is never perfect and all love is different, some say all you need is love some would disagree with that sentiment.
I don’t know where I sit right now, in the short space that I have written to you it has made me realise that I do need the right kind of love to be happy with myself and not feel like I am letting everyone down.
The next time I write little sis will be about the third time I have been in love, I realise even more now that it is that live that is most dangerous and can cause most harm and that is love because you are tired and you need something to fill the darkness.
As always little sister, thank you for listening to me, for being here with me at all times and for allowing me a chance to explain it all.
Love always
Your lost big brother x