Dear little sister letter 1

Letter 1, I had to say goodbye 12 years ago but have never explored any feelings about anything since. Now I need to try get things off my mind.

Dear little Sister,
To begin with �" the end.
I remember the phone ringing , it was early but I knew straight away that once I answered that call there would be no turning back.
I was Still groggy from the night before the words came from the other end, get to the hospital now.
Without hesitation I got up, knowing that this time was precious I drove without any other thought except making it there before it was too late.
The goodbye still lingers in my head and everything that happened before and since is why I write this to you now, it’s been 12 years since you left and I have been guarded for longer than I remember .
Recently I was reminded that it’s ok to have feelings and letting that wall down occasionally is better than trying never to let anyone in.
I finally found myself being able to speak up, not just be the one who is always ok, and maybe it is because I found some people I can trust or maybe it is just the right time but the easiest way to do this is to talk to you, because even though I don’t say it I miss you and all the fun that having you in my life gave to me.
So to keep it simple I’m writing to you Little Sister, I wanted to know what is going on in my head and maybe by the end I have a solution on what to do next, maybe I won’t? But at least I will have been honest with myself and someone else for the first time in a long time.
There is so much I want to tell you and to do this I will give you it in parts and I will link it to every song that best describes the emotion that I have been feeling for all this time or that simply fits.
Like the time we snuck you out of hospital because you wanted McDonald’s, two songs that played straight away Monkey gone to heaven, quickly followed by the Thong Song but you were more interested in getting a cheeseburger and fries as you were sick of being stuck in a ward. They weren’t happy with us by the time we had heard Country Grammer on our return but we didn’t care and it was the least I could do for you.
Obviously there will be the stories of us and there are probably parts I can’t remember or choose not to, but everything that I want to share will be from now.

So my beautiful little sister, I begin by talking about love.
Now love is a tough subject to start with you may think, however the basis of what I have going on is that in spite of all of my relationships that I have been involved in only 3 of them specifically could I say that I would use the term in love in some form.
This does not mean I am disrespecting or disregarding any of the others as all had some impact whether it was the older girl that taught me a lot or even one of the edgier girls that drove me crazy but were probably bad for my health.
I want to start with the one that broke me, the one that I was so in love with that it changed how I was in relationships for a long time and the one that I screwed up the most.
Accidentally in love/Fell in love with a girl.
I was with another when we had our first kiss, I’m not sure how it even happened.
We had never been friends at school, in fact I would say the opposite we had one class together and we rarely agreed on anything. The prom to finish our time at school had us on the same table but even then at no point would I have imagined that I would little over a year later be involved with the girl of my dreams.
However it happened, we danced together and by the end of it we kissed, it was brief and then it was summer so unlike in Grease there was no summer romance in fact I can say I gave it little more thought.
That soon changed when we started college and on the first day you walked in, I noticed you straight away at the time you had those braces but your smile lit up everything and everyone, you were beautiful and funny, and suddenly we were in a group of friends together and we became friends because of that.
At no time was the kiss mentioned and in fact you were the one that encouraged me to ask out a girl from my biology class and sure enough I did and suddenly I had myself a girlfriend and a best friend who had all of my attention between them.
We all hung out, drank together, laughed and sang together ended up at each others houses until the early hours, everything was going so well. One night we were out again and somehow I ended up being with just you the rest was blurry. That is until the next morning at college when your best friend gave me both barrels about being with someone and wanting someone else, she of course was right so I did the right thing and ended it with biology girl thinking it was just a casual thing, I would find out later it wasn’t as casual as I thought.
I remember the night where we became a thing, we were still great friends nothing else had happened so when you invited me out it all seemed natural, all of us together having a great time.
She had planned the whole thing it was just us, No doubt don’t speak was playing as we kissed and that was it, there was no surprise for anyone when were walked in hand in hand, we were happy.
At this point I need to tell you that this is when I was most happy, your brother was so in love and he would have done anything for this girl. He didn’t care if it wasn’t forever he just knew that he had never felt this kind of love for anybody.
We hung out, you were still the most beautiful girl and everyone knew it, the braces had gone but it didn’t matter you were quirky, sweet and I even forgave you Bon Jovi because it was you.
There were arguments, of course there were but we never ended a day not being good and laughing still, when I stood on the canteen tables singing Here comes your man and you were looking at me smiling and laughing I didn’t need anything else.
It was all great, nothing mattered and then Germany happened, I was an idiot but you forgave me, part of me wanted you to hate me, I hated myself but you still loved me and that was enough.
We were good, better than good. I still needed nothing else, I was crazy about you, I didn’t deserve you and it always played on my mind.
I will never forget the night we had an argument over the phone, you were in newquay with some of the others and I was so angry after the call I went out with everyone else, I was didn’t think that a chance encounter with biology girl and a dance later left in me in the position where I was all that time ago when I first kissed you.
Those with me convinced me not to tell you this time, I had been honest before but I knew this would be the end of us and I deserved that, you deserved better but I said nothing.
6 months went past, 6 months!! I had forgotten about everything else because again we were great and so when you came into college that day and wouldn’t stop hitting me and asking me why I at first didn’t understand, I realised soon what had happened a the sister of your best friend had been told by her friend that she had seen me all that time ago kissing biology girl. You didn’t want to believe it so you went and asked one of the people with me that night and when she burst into tears you knew that confirmed it to be true.
I had no right to feel destroyed, after all this was my doing but I couldn’t help it. I had lost everything that meant anything to me, I had lost you. I had never planned to be in love with you but you made it impossible for me not to be, I’m so sorry that I wrecked it all.
We didn’t speak very much after that, college soon finished and we went our separate ways. I have lived with the regret of not just losing your love but also our friendship for so long and never spoken of it. This was the first part of my wall, I made sure that I never wanted anyone in the same way and I would never and still have never had the same love for anyone.
So you see little sister that is the only time where I ever felt complete love for anyone, and I messed it up and I have always kept that with me, all these years that has stayed there leaving a void that i have only ever patched up but never repaired.
That’s only the start of it all, but it’s the one thing apart from you that has haunted me in such a way that it affects how I handle emotion.
I wish that you were here, I wish that you could be here to talk to, tell you that I would always protect you from everything and everyone that would dare hurt you.
I’m still so angry at the fact you were taken away from us all, I’m angry that I asked God for one thing and God didn’t listen, you should still be here.
I love you little sister and I still have so much to say, but for now good night my sweet little sister, I love you always xx

Author's Note

As I said before bare with me, I'm new to this but its honest writing coming straight from my life.