Evelyn

some random stuff I came up with.

Wind blowing, obscurity, monstrous fear… pain and coldness.

 

With heavy steps she moved, her feet as bound to stones, like something was holding her back, kept hesitating. She covered her bruised up arms with her two hands, crossed. The coldness overwhelmed her. Her red dress falling naturally on her beautifully shaped figure seemed like continuous flow.  She moved her fingertips across the smooth surface of the knife. The candle light reflected into it. Suddenly a shiver ran across her spine, her whole being. She realized the gravity of her future actions and deeply reflected on her capability of completing the job. She touched the knife again, this time with fewer hesitances. It was this old Russian knife that by its simple presence in the kitchen would terrify the guests of the house. What was once being hanged on the wall, in full sights, was now hidden in the cupboards. She kept it there as a back-up plan this whole time. What other options she had, they all failed. There was absolutely no hope left for the weak, the absent minded, the scared. As fragile as she seemed, there was a doze of braveness in her, enough to get this done, her last task.

 

She picked it up. The weight put pressure on her twisted wrist. The fall was quite audible. She picked it up with both hands this time. Looking at the sharpness of the blade, she implanted it so deep, so close to what was beating inside here. With all strength, she pulled it out, allowing all the pressure to release itself all over her red dress. The smell of blood made her sick.  She moved across the room leaving a trail of red behind. She moved decisively. She had to swim for the last time. The ocean was near. She turned, one last look at the house carrying her history, her memories, now about to be left behind. She was outside. The wind hit her barely covered skin. It started snowing. The moon lit the beach and the ice crystals trapped the light. It was a stunning night, freezing. She could not feel anything. The blood kept pouring, the blood kept warming. With immense efforts she walked through the night and made it. She rushed to feel the waves at her feet, dredging the sand from underneath.  The waves kept pushing her off shore, but she resisted, she responded firmly. She dived in hungry waves. The salted water wave slapped her wound so hard she gave out a piercing cry, but she kept going, swam deeper and deeper to the horizons.   And then something strange happened. The clouds came down on her, embraced her, and caressed her. She was home.

 

 

Letter left behind:

 

Dear friend,

 

I can't see you tonight or any time soon. I am so messed up you have no idea. There are too many things going on in my life and so many things from my past backfiring at me in an avalanche. My mental state has been very delicate and it's not necessary a bad thing because for many years I’ve bottled up my frustration and time has come to go through it now, to unleash everything. This is the first step in my healing process. So far I've been the master seeker for temporary fixes but it seems they accentuated my problems. You have met me at a low point in my life. The way I was yesterday was an exception to the past few weeks/months even years. As a matter of fact I think I've bottled up too much going back even to my early childhood. Although I've never held grudges against somebody else, I've been my own self's worst friend. Actually I've been my own enemy. This time I need to jump back up from the bottom of a very deep hole where my mind is stuck right now. This time I have to do it on my own. The worst thing now is to have my friends listening to me. There are things I wouldn't share. I don't want to be so selfish to place too much of a load one can carry. So last night and this morning I thought a lot of what is the best solution and in the end my heart/ instincts carried me in one single direction. I am determined to try to get real help for my problem. I want to see if by any chance it is a condition that could be treatable. I'm hard to predict and I can't even tell when I will change. I go from one extreme to another. Interesting that when in a relationship that would not challenge me in any way, I had more balance with no feel. When it gets too intense that's when I loose myself and it's no good. 

 

With you, I feel an incredible, instinctive mental connection and an almost animalistic attraction. I feel drawn to you like I belong with you somehow. It tears inside not having you near me. It seems the only way to end my torment is by allowing myself to be possessed by you. It scares me so much. I would want to think that you are the solution to my struggle, but my heart tells me to stay away somehow. I have a bad feeling and I can't explain it. Every time so far when I listened to my instincts I was right. Maybe it's the wrong time. Maybe I need to allow time to do its healing. I want to make sure that this effect you have on me is real and it's not my depressive state of mind and vulnerability that welcomes your protection. 

 

I desperately desire you right now. I've never been attracted to a real man before. To wish to want to be truly loved in such a passionate way by a man that I truly respect and look up to. To feel safe, protected, relaxed and be able to let myself go, to let go of everything constricting me from being genuinely free. It scares me so much, it doesn't feel right to allow my thirst to be quenched. I wanted to give myself to you, allow you to take me.

 

I am really flattered by the way you see me. I wish I could see myself through your eyes. I am not however ready for this. I want you so bad in a sexual way since I know it would be almost a spiritual experience. I am also a sexually active woman with a huge vulnerability to smart men. I feel I've lost my head, but my consciousness kicks back out of the blue and tells me I am not ready to commit to what you're offering me right now. 

 

I don't know what to do. Actually I do know, but I find it excruciating to comply. I need your help please. I need you to understand me and support me. If I see you again anytime soon I will not be able to resist you.

 

This must sound so stupid to you. I know that I'm such a typical confused woman, but this is the way I am. Please, do not take it the wrong way! I want to have last night a perfect memory, untouched by my true nature, my craziness. I want to use the wisdom I gained from you to help myself get through my depression. 

 

What happened to us was not a lie! I couldn't fake that connection we made. I read this book once where "imprinting" is mentioned as a very rare thing to have between two people, but something that can not be stopped no matter what because the two are meant to be together to complete themselves. The two are drawn to each other and they forget about everything else or everyone else no matter how complicated the situation is. It's really freaky, but I felt that that's exactly what happened with us. 

 

You take care of yourself. Please, forgive me!

 

Yours,

 

Evelyn

 

 

To be continued...