To My Mom

A Letter to My Mom

Momma, I don’t know what it’s like to lose a son and maybe you don’t realize that you do. One day I was living at home and everything was fine, Then I had joined the Navy and was in basic training. At the time this doesn’t seem like much of a change; I would imagine you were proud. All you saw was your son joining the military and moving away. Over the next four years so many things happened I believe it would take a lifetime to retell them all.

While in the Navy I called and spoke with you regularly and was even able to visit at least once a year, I think this helped hide the fact I wasn’t the same. Maybe if I had been completely disconnected you would have seen me as different. Instead, I smiled on the phone and told you how everything was fine. throughout the years I would call and tell you the positive things that were happening and sugar coated the negative.

I remember one day, I called and told you that while preparing for a memorial service, a high rank officer was accidentally locked inside the chapel. I couldn’t tell you about the week that lead to this day. The amount of time I spent with this man, seeing he was hurting and trying to get him the help he needed. He finally spoke with my chaplain, but I guess by this time it was just a courtesy to me, I saw it in his eyes as he was leaving. he was going to kill himself. I was frozen in disbelief, hoping I was wrong but knowing I was right. That night I got home sat on the couch and drifted to my own world I thought I did all I could but felt like there was more to be done. The next day his body was found in the barracks and a few days later I called telling you about the officer that was locked in the chapel.

After four years of filtering my stories for you and pretending that things were going as they should, I come back home and tell you I have PTSD. I guess I can see how you took this as a shock, since you pretty much only heard of the good times. I might have told you a few hardships but nothing that was out of the norm. So as I’m telling you I was diagnosed with PTSD all you could say back was that the only problem I have is that I’m an a*****e. I wish you were right. it would be so freeing to be as heartless as the world believes and to not care about the people that I failed. If I was just an a*****e I would sleep so peacefully instead of drenching my bed in sweat and constantly waking up from nightmares. If that were true, I’d be fine in crowded places, instead I see the widows crying out of the corner of my eyes. Then I’d be ok with crowds but for now I cant handle more than a few strangers in a room at once. I’ve erased many of my friends’ names, I thought if I didn’t remember the names it would make moving on easier, but no matter what I can’t forget their faces.

I just want you to know that I forgive you. Even though this body is still here and going through the motions I am far from the same. I can’t tell you exactly when it was that I developed PTSD but I’ve heard that's the worst way to have it. Instead of one large event to work through I’m living four years of hell on repeat every night. Honestly, I can’t blame you for refusing to believe that your son has to go through with that. I wouldn’t know how to react either. I think denial was probably just a lot easier than accepting that your son fights a losing battle for his sanity every night. 

Author's Note

Please feel free to leave honest reviews. also any ideas for more tags would be helpful.

Reviews

[Gaia Octavia]

I hope this empowered you. And just so you know, as a fellow sufferer of those dreaded four letters and as a mother, I can tell you that (in my unasked for opinion) yours failed you at that moment in time. We are all human, and your forgiveness is to be admired. I hope things have changed between the time of writing and now, but it seems (from what you have said and from what you have left unsaid in this letter) as if you are a strong soul who will one day make it through to the other side.

[Lorenzo]

Thank you, I really do appreciate your review. It took me a while but I had to view things from her perspective to come to terms with things. I couldn't imagine if one of my sons had were to go through the things I have. I would try my hardest to support my son in his hard times but in an instance like this I believe I would fail him too. I'm not sure I could accept the truth that he suffered so much.

[Gianna Anaya]

This is one of those rare pieces that is plain and simply captivating. I have come to believe that such captivation only stems from pieces that don't simply bleed words but also vulnerability. As someone who suffers from PTSD as well, I can vouch for the fact that each case differs from person to person but all in all it is an awful thing to have to live with. I have only read this piece but I can hear the strength and struggle within the lines. Amazing work that hopefully brought a little closure.

[Tomoe Tellez]

It takes a lot of strength to forgive someone, especially when said person doesn't acknowledge their mistakes. I was taught not to believe in forgiveness, so I don't know how to give it or accept it. I hope writing this letter made you feel better. Writing allows us to ease our burdens a little.