Away

Oh what I would give to get some of it back

These moments I live are full of attack

Such sweetness there was, such unity of mind

Now it’s all gone because of what is left behind

That moment that changed everything we had

Made everything deranged and all good turn bad

As you held in your hand how all things would be

And you chose not to stand, you trampled me

Now I am left here with no heart and no home

Alone with my fear and stuck on my own

When will you be back to undo what you’ve done

To erase all the black and make shine the sun

I miss you more as each day goes by

The things I lived for left when you chose to fly

Away

Reviews

[Miss Coral]

Very nice job on the rhyming- make sure, though, that it doesn't become too forced at parts. Rhyme schemes start to dominate your words and place more importance on the structure to the reader when you twist your words to complete a rhyme, or say something that doesn't flow or doesn't really seem to belong. Or, "force" a rhyme. For example: "Made everything deranged and all good turn bad". Now, while the imagery still work's for parallelism's sake, this seems like it was awkwardly phrased to me in order to complete the rhyme.
Now, that is how a rhyme is executed in an ideal world. Without anything being forced or awkward or Eminem having to slip something into a song like "Guess that's why they call it window pane".

Anyways- the flow was a bit off to me too. Most of your lines consist of 10-11 syllables, but still, the rhythm was a bit weird. I would go in and maybe add in some more punctuation into the lines themselves, in order to better structure the rhythm. While rhyme schemes can help with this, they don't complete the process. Try to use some lines that have a similar rhythm in order to pull the piece together and separate the block of text into separate images.

Overall, nicely done. Nice rhymes, good use of emotion. The last line feels a little left out, but I guess it is the ultimate anti-climax in a way, which is a good thing for the topic. It leaves a feeling that the poem is about. So good job.

-Coral-

[Im His Daughter]

this is so sad.. i can feel the anger a bit too. good job

[Kena]

I feel this way sometimes. I think this is really well written! :)

[Dreamer<3]

I like the word choice in this a lot. also, I like the last word, how it's by itself and doesn't rhyme.

[Machiavelli]

A little bit jumbled but I love the emotion in this place

[MuSe Ampoule]

This has a beautiful meter with a nice turn of phrase. Empathetically, I felt the sorrow of this piece.

[QC]

Away.

I get this. Is it scattered? Yes. Did it understand it? COMPLETELY. It seems scattered is my middle name, though. Pretty awesome poem, if you ask me. I always like when people can make a rhyming poem so beautiful. (it's like ohysically impossible to make my poems rhyme :3) but I felt the emotions; the sadness, the hurt, and betrayal.

Very touching.

I feel the emotions throughout this poem, though some of it was a little scattered, to be honest.
But it's still really good. :)

[oceanghost]

Good. I would change a few words but all in all, I felt it.