Away

Oh what I would give to get some of it back

These moments I live are full of attack

Such sweetness there was, such unity of mind

Now it’s all gone because of what is left behind

That moment that changed everything we had

Made everything deranged and all good turn bad

As you held in your hand how all things would be

And you chose not to stand, you trampled me

Now I am left here with no heart and no home

Alone with my fear and stuck on my own

When will you be back to undo what you’ve done

To erase all the black and make shine the sun

I miss you more as each day goes by

The things I lived for left when you chose to fly

Away

Reviews

[Miss Coral]

Very nice job on the rhyming- make sure, though, that it doesn't become too forced at parts. Rhyme schemes start to dominate your words and place more importance on the structure to the reader when you twist your words to complete a rhyme, or say something that doesn't flow or doesn't really seem to belong. Or, "force" a rhyme. For example: "Made everything deranged and all good turn bad". Now, while the imagery still work's for parallelism's sake, this seems like it was awkwardly phrased to me in order to complete the rhyme.
Now, that is how a rhyme is executed in an ideal world. Without anything being forced or awkward or Eminem having to slip something into a song like "Guess that's why they call it window pane".

Anyways- the flow was a bit off to me too. Most of your lines consist of 10-11 syllables, but still, the rhythm was a bit weird. I would go in and maybe add in some more punctuation into the lines themselves, in order to better structure the rhythm. While rhyme schemes can help with this, they don't complete the process. Try to use some lines that have a similar rhythm in order to pull the piece together and separate the block of text into separate images.

Overall, nicely done. Nice rhymes, good use of emotion. The last line feels a little left out, but I guess it is the ultimate anti-climax in a way, which is a good thing for the topic. It leaves a feeling that the poem is about. So good job.

-Coral-

[Emily Quinn]

If we could go back and and undo our mistakes than we would never learn or value the decisions we make or cherish the good parts as a result of those mistakes. This poem could benifit a quick run over but it's very good, I enjoyed the read

[Hidden_identity]

Very beautiful. Again, very emotional. A person can really relate to the poem and how the person feels.

[Crowley]

Its writing like this that helps us deal with the past and make good with the ghosts of our past. Nice work...I loved it.

[Shade Teller]

I really liked this poem. You paint a visual masterpiece with your words. The last part of the poem is the best part because you are able to take what had been the same pattern all the way through and then put the last word in to almost break the pattern. This is a good way to end and makes it all the more memorable.

[nightmask]

I like the rhyme scheme, but some of the phrasing of sentences feels too stressed for instance "you trampled me" would sound better if it were "trampled ON me" it would have an easier flow kool poem though :]

[the in between]

My heart aches; this piece struck a chord of betrayal and pain. I completely agree with the first line of wanting to get some of it back. :) thank you for sharing.

[Nicaushio Yamaki]

Very nice

[Deviant Works]

To be honest I didn't think this was scattered at all. I believe it had a really nice flow to it, you were telling a story, building up the images, the lose, the pain. I have been there, where someone else had all the control and in the end they practically abandoned me. It took months and months for me to stop crying, "no heart and no home". This is a saddened yet lovely read which I relate with. Incredible rhyming, I can't write a rhyming poem for the life of me.:)

[Bare trees]

Nicely done. I liked the fact that you added the last word "away" at the end. I believe poems should be read slowly and attentively and more then once. I paused the second time through at that last word. Well done.