Waiting

My Darling

I felt you today when I closed my eyes

The warmth of the sun on my face

The breeze playing with my hair

When I opened my eyes I could see your smile

Free, flying, floating in the light

Wings of a butterfly sweeping it across my mouth

Your voice I could almost hear in the brook

Such a wonderful rush of serenity

Water flowing over rock was your words soothing my soul

I almost felt like you were with me

 

My Love

I miss you tonight as I wait for you

The coldness removes hope for you

There is a stillness that suffocates me

Such gloominess surrounds me as I look for you

My heart is too heavy without your smile

The butterfly’s wings have been broken

My ears are now filled with silence

Breaking into my soul like shattered glass

They are all the questions of why you are not here

Please come to me soon

Reviews

[Marie Harrison]

Oh this is beautiful. She experiences him in the day hours when she is outsiden but in the evening hours when she's inside she notices his absence. Isn't that always so. Sometimes its hard to see positive and the hopefulness in the evening hours. Lovely.

[iamcarolfierce]

In love, waiting is the hardest yet sweetest part. This poem is very romantic. KNowing someone is there to wait for is one of the best feeling. However, if you're the one waiitng, it is the saddest and it even if it's just a day, it seems like eternity.

[Kelley Quinn]

The first stanza looks like your profile picture. I can see it clearly, completely placid serenity, with a slight breeze, maybe under an oak tree, closed eyes, thinking and thinking. Small smiles playing at the lips.
And then you realize the crashing truth. It's such a splendid description. Utter brilliance, quite frankly. Keep writing, you have talent!

[Hidden_identity]

It is filled with emotion. You used very good imagery. You could follow the difficult path of one's healing heart. I love it. Nice job!

[BL McKinney]

I really really like the intent behind this poem, as we have all been right where the speaker is. And I really like that you have separated those two emotions out wishing for that person to be there vs a passive acceptance that it may not happen.

However, the only thing I could tell you as far as making an improvement... try to avoid being "talky" in a poem. Encapsulate the emotion and show us, not tell us.
Lines like "I could almost hear you in the brook" and "I almost felt like you were with me" are ineffective. If you are wishing so desperately for this person, you WOULD be able to convince yourself they were there... and show me how. The same goes for "they are all the questions of why you are not here".

I hope this helps. :)

[Vyctm]

excellently done

[Bette]

im not sure of the feed back you want. corrections and such,i can not offer. BuT i can say
I love this, bitter sweet, and well done.

[San Herman Lopez a.k.a...]

This is by far my favorite out of the few I've read...
"I felt you today when I closed my eyes
The warmth of the sun on my face
The breeze playing with my hair
When I opened my eyes I could see your smile"
A well written start pulls the reader in, and the experience felt by well placed words makes you feel your emotions and see your visions.

[Crowley]

I pictured the Yin and Yang symbol in my mind as I started reading the second stanza, the first half light hearted, pulling out wants, desires and longings, and the second part still much involed with the first, but sad and grey but hopeful. Missing someone is such a strong thing.....and seeing them again has a hard time living up to what we pictured, but is still oh so sweet. Great work.

[rash]

wow. so beautiful. nearly a hundred per cent. but your love sacrificed the uniqueness of the first stanza in the second. just an intuition. it was like we met you and then the world in the way of love.

[the in between]

Wow... excellent. The first part was so lighthearted and exuberant... where as the last one gave off the mood of sadness and longing. Beautiful sensory details. Makes me think about a certain someone :) seems like you have a romantic intent. It sounds very honest :) missing someone is bittersweet. I love how you write.