I'll Be Back

Some goodbyes are silent..you fail to see them in the light of ignorance and future's uncertainty...and when you realize, it is already very late. I miss you papa..

I woke up in the morning today
When the stars faded to gray
And the sun was on the horizon in the sky
If I said, "I'm okay," then it'd be a lie

I wrote a letter to you yesterday
The ink spread from the tears I shed
If you came back, "What would I say?"
"Please stay papa...just stay..."

The chant never leaves my lips
Memories of us fighting for chips
Sitting together for afternoon tea sips
How you used to make fun of me while watching olympics

I look up at the sky
Thinking you'll be seeing down too
You left me without saying goodbye
That's why "I'll be back on 24th" still feels true.

In my sleep, I dreamt of you
You were standing there, smiling, all fine
Thought it was real, I didn't lose you
I hugged you and cried while you smiled
I couldn't believe it was real for a while
And when I really did, that you were alive
I opened my eyes, tears pooled on the sides
I found the house empty in the dreadful night
But you were no where in sight.

Author's Note

I lost my father so suddenly...that the emotions still feels like a raw wound and everytime I get hit by those memories..the wound bleeds fresh...again. It is hard but it is supposed to be..that's what I tell myself.

Reviews

[JayG]

• When the stars faded to gray.

Umm... for me they don’t fade to gray, they just dim, then vanish. Is a house light, seen from a distance, described as gray?

My point? You’re forcing the line to the needs of the rhyme.

In this first stanza, you have rhymed couplets, of the structure, AABB

In stanza 2 it’s ABAA

S3 is AAAA

S4 is back to AABB

And S5 is ABACDEFGHH

In short, you’re rhyming when convenient, because you’ve not dug into the skills of metrical poetry. But you must. While there are many styles and variations, it’s a fairly rigid format, and the readers expect you to hold to it, unless you provide some compelling alternative.

For you this holds deep emotional content, as it should. But also for you, each line evokes memories and images that the reader has no context for.

So, two suggestions:

First, jump to Amazon to read the excerpt from Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled, for a better understanding of why metrical poetry is written as it is—and how to do it.

And next. Take E. L. Doctorow’s, words to heart: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

Instead of telling the reader how YOU feel, and why, make them feel it, too. Instead of saying that you cried, give the reader a reason to weep. They’ll thank you for doing it.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

[Misty Daze]

Thank you sir for your time. I actually wrote this one to just get some things off my mind but I'm grateful for your review. I write poems as a hobby and never thought of refining it but I'll definitely take your suggestions to read and find out more about it. Afterall there is no hurt in learning more. Once again thank you sir.