I'm losing all of you..

 You've begun to leave my mind.  My mind is blurring you with each passing thought of you & it saddens me; I wanted to keep your memories alive for a lifetime, for this is all that is left of you to cherish, sometimes mourn.

 

 

 My memories have become an isolated island that exists far away from the shore I stand on. I'm standing here, seeing the sea slowly drift onto the island, making it drown. In a hope to save it before it's all gone, I put my feet into the water, but I begin to drown too. I don't know swimming. I don't know how to make it there. With the water rising, I'm starting to accept its departure. With the silence consuming me, I'm standing here powerless, seeing my treasure vanish. I'm giving up on it.

 

 My mind is turning your beautiful face into a faceless sculpture & its artist is unable to draw on it what it deserves. I'm unable to distinguish your features from each other anymore. The boundaries of your eyes are gone, making your it smudge into each other, just like a painting without outlines. The paints used in it are mixing with one another, forming another shade out of it.  Your lip-line is distorting in an uneven manner & the cherry shade of your lips is spreading out of the line. With my each effort to form your correct face in my mind, it's changing itself into dull shades of pink . Your cheek-line is no more there & the dusk of your skin is mixing outwards with the background.

 

 What seemed impossible once, I'm doing it now. Yes, I'm forgetting you. The more I'm trying to recall you, the more my mind is fading you away. I should be happy that I'm detaching myself from you. Your memories won't come haunting me at midnight or in between prayers anymore. I won't have to search for your face in the crowd. I no longer will have to find you in every other stranger I meet. When somebody will call my name in a familiar voice, I won't have to look back, misinterpreting it for you. I should be happy for the freedom is meeting my feet. But I'm not….

 

 For, once it's all gone, there will be nothing & the idea of it creeps me. I paint it in my mind as a white empty room with no door or window to escape; just a tiny hole to keep me breathing. I need something to remain stuck to. I can't hold onto nothingness.

Author's Note

Honest reviews needed!

Reviews

[Rynn]

" You've begun to leave my mind. My mind is blurring you with each passing thought of you & it saddens me; I wanted to keep your memories alive for a lifetime, for this is all that is left of you to cherish, sometimes mourn." - I like the shortness of the first sentence. It has a lot of firmness to it. What I would suggest here is taking out "My mind is blurring". Not the idea, just the repetition. Since you've already introduced the subject of the sentence, you do not need it again. Suggestion:

"It is blurring...."
"It begins to blur...."

"My memories have become an isolated island that exists far away from the shore I stand on." - This reads really well aloud. Although I would suggest using a different adverb for your island simply because a core characteristic of islands is that they are isolated and it comes off as a redundancy. What else about this island is noteworthy?

"I'm standing here, seeing the sea slowly drift onto the island, making it drown." - again here, I find that it is repetitive. Because we know the island is the subject now, you do not need to restate it. Instead of drifting onto the island again, maybe the water hits the shore, or the sand?

"I don't know swimming." - This is an improper sentence and while I like the curtness of it, It was distracting. Suggestion:

"I don't know how to swim."
"I can't swim."

"With the water rising on it, I'm starting to accept its departure." - A small thing here, I think that you could take out 'it' and it would read a bit smoother.

Example: "With the water rising, I'm starting to accept its departure."

"With the silence consuming me, I'm standing here, all powerless, seeing my treasure vanish. I'm giving up on it." - Again here, I think for fluency's sake, less is more.

Suggestion: "With the silence consuming me; all powerless, seeing my treasure vanish. I'm giving up on it."

"My mind is turning your beautiful face into a faceless sculpture & its artist is unable to draw on it what it deserves." - To avoid redundancy I would find another word for face if you want to compare it to a faceless sculpture; such as 'features' or 'likeness'. A Thesaurus is a writer's best friend. Otherwise, I think this stanza is very well executed.

"I'm unable to distinguish your features from each other anymore." - I was a little confused as to what you were trying to distinguish here. Are you trying to pick the mouth from the eyes? The nose from the ears?

"The boundaries of your eyes are gone, making your it smudge into each other, just like a painting without outlines." - I really like this line, the only thing I noticed is the 'making your it'. I assume that is a typo, so i'd like to point it out. Otherwise, I really got a great image out of this description.

"The dilute paints used in it are mixing with one another, forming another shade out of it. Your lip-line is distorting in an uneven manner & the cherry shade of your lips is spreading out of the line. " - Again, I felt you could expand word choice here. There are a couple redundancies that I found could have been smoother. Dilute, smudge and mixing are arguably synonyms for the same general action, I felt you repeated the same imagery twice.

"Your cheek-line is no more there & the dusk of your skin is mixing outwards with the background." - I loved this line, but found that the structure could be better. Suggestion:

"Your cheek-line is gone & the dusk of your skin is mixing outwards with the background."

"Your cheek-line has disappeared & the dusk of your skin is mixing outwards with the background."

"Your cheek-line is no more & the dusk of your skin is mixing outwards with the background."


"What seemed impossible once, I'm doing it now." - A semi-colon would be more appropriate here.

Example:

"What seemed impossible once; I'm doing it now."

"Yes, I'm forgetting you. The more I'm trying to recall you, the more my mind is fading you away." - keep in mind that when you write a piece in this form, you need to be aware of which tense you are using.

- Is, am, are.
- Was, did, had

Past, present, future may not seem important but it gives the piece a sort of disconnection if you talk about the past then skip to present tense verbs.

"I should be happy that I'm detaching myself from you. Your memories won't come haunting me at midnight or in between prayers anymore." - This is a gorgeous stanza, well done.

"When somebody will call my name in a familiar voice, I won't have to look back, misinterpreting it for you." - Another place to look at verb tense.

Suggestion:

"When somebody calls my name in a familiar voice, I won't have to look back, misinterpreting it for you."

Otherwise, I love the line.

"I should be happy for the freedom is meeting my feet. But I'm not…." - I commend you on your correct usage of "....". I found structural things again.

Suggestion:

"I should be happy for the freedom that is meeting my feet. But I'm not…."

"I should be happy that the freedom is meeting my feet. But I'm not…."

"I should be happy; the freedom is meeting my feet. But I'm not…."

" For, once it's all gone, there will be nothing & the idea of it creeps me." - a couple things here; the structure of the sentence with the word 'creeps' does not work. That word either needs to have something after it, or needs to be replaced. I am always wary of writer's who use 'for' as a preface to a sentence. Not only does it sound unnatural, it also seems somewhat biblical.

Example: For once I die, there will be nothing left.

That versus,

Example 2: Once I die, there will be nothing left.

Example one may sound more profound, but I believe that example two is the more impactful way to go.

Suggestion:

"Once it's all gone, there will be nothing & the idea of it creeps me out."

"For, once it's all gone, there will be nothing & the idea of it scares me."

Overall I think this could use a look over for grammar, but it's a pretty strongly written piece. The ideas flow nicely and I can see that you are passionate about what you're writing. Don't be afraid to engage your readers other sense. There's more to seeing than just sight. What does your island taste like? What does solitude smell like? I suggest reading your work aloud as well during the editing process, it always makes for some fine editing. Perhaps another thing I would suggest is expanding your word choice a little bit - thinking of new adjectives to use, fresh descriptions.

[Long Whispers]

Thank you so much being so helpful! :)

[Rynn]

Absolutely - it's my pleasure :)

[Ethan]

"My mind is turning your beautiful face into a faceless sculpture & its artist is unable to draw on it what it deserves." Artists that are sculptors do not draw, they sculpt. Other than that, very nicely done :)

[Dr. YumnaKay]

This isn't about losing someone. It's about losing yourself in the process. Like a part of us which detaches itself from us and lives with them. I don't believe in the fact that we can ever forget someone we so dearly loved, however hard we try. It's an illusion actually. An in between situation. Where we persuade ourselves that we've let go but in actual we remember every single bit..
Holding on to nothingness is quite something.. I liked the comparison you made with the empty room.
You write with quite a depth in your words which is a good quality.

[Sonakshi Arora]

This is an amazing write! We can't hold on to nothingness and that is so true! Good job :)

[Long Whispers]

Thanks a lot for giving it your time!

[Sonakshi Arora]

My pleasure :)