This is who I am

I've lived in fear for to long

There are two things we crave most in this world; love, and understanding. Most people go their whole life without both of those things. The ones that have experienced both end up insane with depression because nothing ends worse than Love.

I was 10… I was 10 years old when i found out that I like the same sex. of course i had a feeling all along, but at the same time I was confused with it all, I would always hear my dad making jokes about gay people but I never really knew how deeply the word “gay” was routed in hate. It’s ironic if you think about it, a word that originally meant happiness now was being used as a cuss word next to f****t and queer. I was 11 when my dad found my journal, kinda silly i know but i was so afraid of telling anyone, so i would tell myself almost like i could change by just writing it out. When he found it… he started shaking with anger, I still see his face in that moment in my nightmares. His face taunt with disgust and fear, fear of what people would think of us. This was the night i lost my dad, or maybe the correct term is he lost me. He dragged me into his room and threw me against the wall, “What is this gay s**t!” my dad screamed his lips quivering. Tears rolling down my face the only answers i had were distraught mumbles and sobs. I had thought of this happening before. It was one of my biggest fears. my dad moved away from me lifting his hands to his head. He looked down at my journal again through his foggy eyes. “We raised you right Levi, we gave you everything. How could this happen?” My dad reached for the bible, “You know what will happen to you right?” I sob again feeling dread for what my dad was about to say. I grew up christian and this was also the night i lost faith in god. “Your going to hell Levi.” waterfalls of tears roll down my face he continued. “Leviticus 18:22: " Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination." "If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them." The words still resonating through my head like they were shards of glass shredding my ego and self worth to pieces. I sat there for what felt like hours listening to my so called father telling me about the hell i would be living in. It was enough to make any sane kid lose any sense of reality. it wasn’t long before my mom came rushing home. After my dad explained the situation to my mom she took me to get pizza (a Wednesday tradition that couldn’t be stopped by god himself). So that my dad could cool down and i could maybe come out of my sate of shock. I remember the highway we were driving on, every crack and bump. To this day i still remember the words my mom said to me on that highway. “This is only one day. This is only one day out of your whole life Levi.” “No matter what you are thinking right now this is just one bad day.” I responded “nothing will be the same after today, so it is the end of the life i was living.” 

my mom looked at me with almost dread in her eyes. when we got home there was senseless talk about priests and therapists even camps… But my dad made me a deal that day he said that if i never talked about this again he would “forget” about it. Ever since that day I’ve been acting straight for his amusement. Since that day i haven’t felt the love from my parents in the same way i guess all i wanted in life was to be understood and loved for who i am. But now when i hear my parents say “I love you” I remember that day and i see their mouths move but the feeling of love is lost in the motion of their lips. That day was the day I lost love. Now i walk though these halls and feel the walls of memories and boundaries that should never be crossed again. 

His name was Dylan. He was the fist one that i could open up to completely, he made me feel whole again and his love for me wasn’t shallow like most. He was the first one that understood who i really was, he made me feel whole again we even had nicknames now realizing how embarrassing that is.. but it was real and he brought a smile to a face that has been faking one for so long. we spent days talking about our dreams for the future and nights confessing our love and making promises that couldn’t ever come true. This is the story about how i lost my faith in love. When i talked to him he reminded me of a storm dangerous but exhilarating. His love went deeper than the pale surface of skin his love was like a sharp knife cutting red hot through your soul. He was my beginning, but in the end he was my end. my first love He taught me how to love myself and hoe to ignore the shame that my family put around me. Everything was perfect this was when things began to fall apart. The only problem with Dylan was that he lied. He wanted to impress me so badly that he would tell me impossible tales about his life. The only truth he told was that he had to leave, he decided to tell me a day before he left that what we had talked about, our dreams our plan to leave this state was a lie. he was going to his dads house in Australia. He wasn’t your average kid you see, his parents were rich but poor in heart, They found out he was talking to me and took his phone away. leaving me with a hole in my heart and the realization that i would never see Dylan again. At this point in life i started to move from a hopeless romantic to a realist. I realized that all people wanted is sex. They all just want to put a bandaid over a bullet wound, if they feel loneliness creeping into their heart the first thing they do is look for sex. Everyone has a motive behind what they do people don’t do good just for the sake of it, we all look for the reward in what we do. What do we get out of it? type of thinking. We all start off hopeless romantics looking for love. But then we find it and it breaks down those walls we put up. Then it destroys us from within forcing us into the role of a realist. Someone who no longer believes in the tales of love. We all at some point turn into what we used to hate the most. we become the monsters we so badly wanted to fight as kids. This is what we have to live with, the truth. Love is painful and unfair but love allows you to see the truth when you’re broken into 100000 pieces from it. you pick yourself up piece by piece and you make your skin thicker. you show the wold that the pain you feel now is only temporary even if that’s a lie. 

The truth is we all have a story. most are pretty depressing and sickening to think about. but these things are what make us who we are. i will never forget all the things that have happened to me but if i had the chance to change what happened to me i wouldn’t change a thing. Im glad these things happened to me honestly because without these things i wouldn’t have the thick skin i have now, if it wasn’t for my conservative family i wouldn’t be able to protect myself in the face of confrontation. I realized the night that i tried to hang myself in the bathroom that what i thought was the end of my life was just my well deserved beginning. I realized i was getting depressed over something that may look like wonderland to someone else. I may be broken but I’m able to put the pieces together which is more than most can say. i guess what I’m trying to say is love and be broken live and feel the storm and excitement. don’t live with regrets and most of all be broken because the most broken people make the biggest waves in this ocean of silence we call earth. Will you be a whisper in the wind or a earthquake that demands to be recognized? 

Author's Note

To those that read this... Thank you for making it this far I know this is pretty bad lol I was depressed so i wrote out my feelings. Thank you for listening to my story. ;