I lay

I lay on the couch

The pills kicking in

I take a sip of my drink

And slowly fade into the blackness I brought myself in

I lay on the couch

Flirting with death

Not waking

I hear people yelling at me to wake up

I cough up blood and say Im fine just going to sleep

I lay on the couch

All my friends relieved

I slowly fade into the darkness I brought myself in

I wake up in the bathroom

Gun cocked and loaded held to my head

Wondering how I brought myself here

I pull the trigger

I lay on the ground

Slowly fading to the darkness I brought myself in

Surrounded by blood

Surrounded by death

But no one cares

And no one listens

They just pick up the gun and shoot once again

Reviews

[Patrick Henry]

Awesome f'n poem!! The form, repetition, 5 sharp stanzas, and each new stanza had a very powerful "flow" to it that would be foolish to ignore!! Your first two stanzas were tough, but only because a girl on here had done that, and I almost lost her a while back in the same way. She was almost paralyzed in the hospital for a long time because of it, but rehab and health saved her. Lay on the couch, Lay on the couch, Lay on the ground looks quite dramatic and surreal up against this tapestry of self-destruction that I find to be both "I don't know why..... I'm lying. I DO know why"....... inexhaustibly dark and also sexy, but I'm not sure my ability to craft words for various reasons, makes it so easy to explain THAT part of me. : ) Not having the "puncts" at the end of the lines is professional looking, gorgeous, and I take you very seriously as a writer BECAUSE of it. This poem looks awesome not being centered. Being "centered" would make this a "safe" poem, and right now I don't want safe from you. I want to hug you and kiss those f'n cheeks or whatever of yours, but I don't wish safe. That last line "I hear screams CALL 911".... I would, personally, cut out. Didn't hit me the way the rest of your poem did. I really enjoyed how you are surrounded by blood and the image of your energy being returned to the Earth, but the last line makes it silly and if it read like "and a flirt no more" or "reduced to next day's trash"..... I'm not sure WHAT you could write, but I say scratch it. lol If it's still there, that's awesome!! : ) xoxox -Your Mark

[MrOldFashioned]

wow, super dark, i remember when i wrote poems like that.