My scary story...LOL

i wrote this 4 english class.

 

It was a dark and dreary night, the wind was fierce. I felt a chill crawl down my spine; like a spider slipping down its web. I couldn’t think. My brain was in lockdown. My wife however was sitting across from me, thinking quietly to herself. As I opened my mouth, no words came out. What was wrong with me tonight? I knew something was wrong, so I casually stood up, took a deep breath, and said; “im going to bed”

My wife looked at me little strange, but maybe because it was only 9:30. When I got upstairs, I plopped down on the bed, and sighed deeply. About half way through the sigh I couldn’t breathe. My wife had let out a blood curdling scream. I ran down the stairs, tripping over my daughter’s toys as I ran. When I finally got down the stairs, I found my wife leaned over our daughter’s playpen. I rushed over to her and peeked in. she was jumping in blood. I reached down and picked her up, revealing a whole pool of blood. She had no cuts or any evidence of a nose bleed. I stayed downstairs with them.

 

        I could sense something was here, something sent here to torture us. While my wife cleaned Annabelle up, I stayed downstairs, ready to jump at another scream. While sitting, I saw something that made my blood run cold. I saw my uncle Ryan, who had died 19 years ago. I jumped off the couch, and ran towards the figurine. It disappeared. I ran up the stairs, my brows cold with sweat. I grabbed Annabelle out of her crib, and motioned wildly for my wife to come too. We ran down the stairs, being careful not to trip on toys again.

 

        I could see the fear in my wife’s eyes and felt fear run through me for my family. I saw Ryan again. This time, he went straight for molly. I jumped in front of molly, who was shrieking in despair. It didn’t stop the evil figure. Molly turned her back to the figure just in time. Angry with me, it jumped, and landed on me. The weight of this evil was unbearable. The figure wasn’t heavy; it was a different kind of weight. The kind of weight I felt 3 short years ago, when my son passed. Now I understood. I brought this evil here, with all the thoughts of my deceased son. Now it’s my job to get rid of it, and protect what’s left of my family.

 

I kicked and shoved, but nothing helped. The more and more I thought of my son, the more the figure gained. I knew I couldn’t think about him, but it was hard. I stopped thinking about him, and started thinking about Annabel, who was crying wildly in molly’s arms. I knew if I thought good thoughts, the creature would go away. As I thought more and more about Annabell, the pain decreased. The figure got lighter.

 

        I thought happy thoughts. I knew my son’s death was not my fault. The sickness had taken him. But, I knew we should have taken him to the hospital sooner. All of the sudden I grew very angry with myself. At that point I knew the creature had worked its way into me. I jumped up, and fought myself. I knew it wouldn’t help, but it was my natural instinct. I stopped all together. My heart was beating out of my chest. At that moment, I completely forgave myself for taking the blame.

 

        The creature flew out of me. Molly ran over to me, and started bawling in my arms. I had done it! I had saved my family, and gotten over my son’s death. I was very proud of myself.

 

        At that very moment, I saw from the corner of my eye, a dark dreary shadow slip inside, tip what seemed to be a top hat, and slither out…

 

 

       

Author's Note

this is definitely not one of my best writings. just a fast 9th grade assignment. LOL

Reviews

[Silvario]

A very interesting story with a great little plot. I really enjoyed this.

A couple things, if I may.
I agree that more detail, more description would help to add some flavor to this. Also, it felt a little rushed to me. Just my 2 cents, but in my experience, writing in the 3rd person as opposed to 1st could help you slow things down a bit and allow for you to be more descriptive and expand on some details. I notice more and more people writing in 1st person these days and it works wonderfuly for some pieces. This pice has more of a "novel" feel to it and, in my humble opinion, may work better in 3rd, especially if you ever decide to expande on it.

That said, all in all you write really well and I enjoyed the story you told. I look forward to more from you. Well done. :)

[Kelley]

I liked your story and I thought it had plenty of description.
Writing in third person often gets complicated but you did this quite well.
Great write!! Thanks for sharing.

Kelley

[lollie_pop15]

oops my bad. thanks.

[Aekmy]

You do know you pasted in like four times?
It was interesting. It could have used some more detail, whether or not it was just an assignment.
Good job. :)