Freedom

She had absolutely no idea where she was going.  She only knew that she had to get the hell out of that house and away from him.  She could not stand to look at his sobbing face another second.  She had finally done it! 

 

She could barely take it in.  She replayed the events of the last hour in her head not fully comprehending what was happening.  She knows she said the words, she heard her own voice as they all tumbled out of her mouth in perfect form and succession.  She finally said everything to him that had been in her head unspoken for the last 10 or more years.  It felt surreal, and terrifying.

 

She aimed her little blue car down the highway, the bicoastal view vibrant in the morning sun.  All of the windows down and feeling as if she were flying and not driving.  If this was what freedom tasted like, she wanted a whole mouthful. 

 

She looked down at her left hand and slowly pulled off her wedding ring and dumped it in the cup holder and thought to herself, “Ok, now what?”

Author's Note

I have been struggling with finding a good "hook" to begin my story/book about my life. I have been knocking this around in my head for some time. Does this beginning grab you?

Reviews

[Sesame]

Hello Lola,

Long time no see. You have written this intro quite some time ago, but I have been offline for quite some time too, hopefully these strictly subjective opinions of mine will help you in getting a good hook to your story.

You choose to use "she" and not "I", while I understand that the story is about your life. I wonder what made you go for 3rd person?

You use the word "she" a lot here. If "she" is - as I assume - the main character, you might want to give "she/her" a name from the very start.

"She only knew that she had to get the hell out of that house and away from him. She could not stand to look at his sobbing face another second. She had finally done it! " -> done what exactly? Get out of the house? This is a bit confusing. "she only knew she had to get the hell out.." makes the reader think this is an action she still has to perform, while "She had finally done it!" makes us think she already has.

This intro might be a bit more interesting if you'd gave us some insights in what had been in her head for 10 years, what is her reason for leaving. I truly have no clue at this moment.

Although I like the whole idea of running away to a new life, the hook is not that powerfuI, mainly because there are many stories starting in a similar fashion and in yours it is not clear why she runs away.

In my opinion a good hook needs to offer some outlook on what is yet to come, maybe even giving a glimpse of events that will follow in as much as ten years time. Tell me why I need to read what is coming next, where is the story going?

Hope this helps!

Regards,

Sesame

@followsesame on Twitter
www.themagiccave.com

[Samaira]

This is good. But I think you should add a little emotion or some thoughts of hers. Add a little dark edge. Maybe just a tiny glimpse into the past. Humans are always attracted to tragedy. They will definitely read on then.

[.]

~~ how about the following opening... (in terms of the opening image of the narration... please don't go by my choice of words... yours are way better... english is not my first language...)

"She wanted a whole mouthful of freedom but no words came out of her mouth for more than a decade. His sobbing face silenced her until she realized she could break the silence and get the hell away from the house and from him."

~~ and... how about either some more sentences that don't begin with "she"... or... changing the sentences that begin with "she" to sentences that begin with some other word...?

[Robert Parlange]

Good to start with an action. You can fill in the details later with a back-story or continue the adventure from there.