The Tale of Adventure and Excitement

A Story by Loganium

Just kinda for fun. Maybe you'll get a chuckle from reading it

It was dark when the ninja elephants attacked. Yes you read that right, ninja elephants. Captured at birth from the obscure African nation of Olifant, these elephants were raised and trained in the mountains of Japan. After 20 laborious years of painstaking training, they had become killing machines. They all carried peanut shaped ninja stars sharpened to a razors edge. Their tusks were filed to points. And their diet consisted of marshmallows and chocolate milk. The chocolate milk was to strengthen their bones. And the marshmallows... well... they just really liked marshmallows. They had crept into my house utilizing the strength of their trunks. I awoke to the glint of peanut shaped throwing stars held at the ready. I quickly rolled outta bed and grabbed the first thing I saw. A wheel of cheese. You see I always sleep with a wheel of cheese in my room, as the aroma helps me fall asleep. I grabbed the cheese and threw it at the nearest elephant ninja. That's when chaos broke loose. Apparently a family of mice had made a home inside the cheese wheel. Upon hitting the elephant, the cheese wheel broke, releasing the mice. The elephant ninjas seemingly forgot their training and were reduced to tears from the terror inspired by the mice. I took my window of opportunity to sneak out the bedroom window. I landed with a dull thump on the grass and began to run. I wasn't sure where to, but I knew I had to get away from my house. So, head pounding like the soles of my shoes on the pavement, I continued on. I wondered to myself, who had sent those mysterious would be killers. No one came to mind. I mean, I think my neighbour kinda disliked me, but I doubt she hated me enough to hire out ninjas... though she did point her lawn gnomes towards my house. As I ventured forth, a shadowy figure emerged from a nearby alley. The figure beckoned for me to follow him into the alleyway. So I did, with the hope that at the very least I would throw off the ninja elephants. The alleyway was surprisingly dark and foggy. The ground was moist and I felt it squelch underneath my now soggy shoes. The figure came to a stop, and turned around. I was really really starting to regret following it. I could only make out that it was wearing a cloak, with a hood draped over it's head. Slowly the figure reached up and pulled back it's hood. It was... it was.. a unicorn? The hood came back, revealing a spiraling horn coming out of the head of a pink horse. It then began to communicate with me, in a most odd way. It mentally sent flavours to my mouth, which I then somehow associated with certain words. It told me that there was a man somewhere, who secretly wanted me dead. That he was a man of great power. The unicorn told me that I had to defeat him, before he could defeat me. That I had to travel to the great palace of the east if I was to succeed in this task, and I had to be swift. Then it lowered it's hood, and melted back into the shadows. I left the alley, laden with a mental burden, and dripping shoes. Had I gone insane? A unicorn? No, it made sense. I knew I had to do this. But first, I needed new shoes. I walked into the nearest shoe store, and found something that would make my journey much easier. Nike Airs. With those babies I could run at ridiculous speeds. I made the purchase and put the shoes on. They practically vibrated with the anticipation of running. Then I took off like a shot, in the direction of the rising sun. Everything was going fine, until about 2 hours later. With a wheeze, the shoes slowed down to a brisk jog. I stopped and looked down noticing a little bar on the side of my shoe, it was all red. My shoes had run out of fuel. Great. I didn't even know they needed fuel. I checked the tag on the inside. It informed me that the shoes will get 2 hours worth of running for every litre of starbucks coffee. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but seeing as I was in the middle of no where, there were no Starbucks to be found. Dejectedly I put my hands in my pockets and began to go east. When I put my hand in my pocket, I found something. I quickly pulled it out to see, it was an iPod touch! but it only had one app. A Starbucks locater. This was perfect. After a quick check, I found that there was a wilderness Starbucks just five kilometers north east and over a bridge. The unicorn must have slipped the iPod into my pocket. I walked with renewed vigor in the direction stated by the iPod. As I neared the bridge, I began to hear yelling. The closer I got, the more audible the yelling. It sounded like on big argument. Nervously I inched forward, knowing that I needed to cross that bridge. The cacophony of yells rose to a crescendo as I drew near. I rounded the corner and saw complete chaos. People were yelling and arguing and fighting each other. I took a tentative step on the bridge, and began to slowly make my way across. Then the source of this ill will revealed itself. It was a troll. It began to hurl insults at me, and insult the things I treasured most. I realized that I had to keep going and not argue, as making you stay here arguing was the troll's goal. I pushed on. By the time I got halfway across, the taunting became worse. Now nearby arguing people were turning to me, trying to stop me. They had lost their minds, not to mention their dignity, to the troll. And a very skilled troll it was at that. They enclosed me, and began to barrage me with insults. Then worst of all, they began a chorus of Rick Astley's "Never Going To Give You Up". My ears were in immense pain at this point. My breathing became ragged. Still I trudged on. Three quarters of the way across, and they were still singing and jeering. I imagined that this must be what hell is like. They made the circle even tighter, to the point where I could barely move. Yet move I did. After another painstaking 10 minutes, I had made it across. As soon as I reached the other side, the jeering stopped, and they all returned to arguing with each other. The troll yelled at me, that this would not be the last I heard of him. My mind was left feeling a little numb from the experience, but there was a speck of hope up ahead. The Starbucks. I walked into the door and upon seeing my shoes the barista made me up a cup of Nike Air coffee. I poured the coffee into the receptors of the shoes. I thanked the barista, before ordering myself a tall white chocolate mocha. The coffee dissipated the mind numbing effect of the troll. Feeling rejuvenated, I started out once again. Running with the speed of a giraffe with the legs of a cheetah, which had a rocket attached to it's back, I made good progress. Stopping to fill my shoes at various points in my journey, I finally neared the palace of the east. The only thing that stood between me and the palace was a bobbing plaid sea. All I needed to do was find a boat. That's when I realized, this was no sea of plaid, but an army of hipsters! Clad in plaid and large glasses they began to move on my position. I was wearing Nike's, Nike's! Those are way to mainstream for hipsters. They began the attack by hurling sarcasm at me, and telling me that when they attacked, I probably wouldn't recognize the strategy they were using. They charged towards me, some on unicycles, some dressed as cthulhu. All the while not charging too fast, as they did not want to seem like try hards.Then the words of the unicorn returned to me. You must be swift. Swift. Taylor Swift! I quickly checked the iPod. Sure enough, it was loaded with Taylor Swift songs. I turned it up all the way, and let the Taylor Swift songs play. The advancing hipsters suddenly lurched. Mainstream music, the bane of their existence. I began to make my way towards them. Despite hating the music, the hipsters still moved onwards. I walked on. As I reached the group I started to swing the iPod from side to side. The hipsters in the immediate area fell down to the ground and, wishing to escape the mainstream music, began to meditate. I carried on like this, cutting swathes through the ranks of the hipster army. Until there were no more blocking my way. I looked behind, expecting them to give chase. But the hipsters, not wanting to look like try hards, let me go. I ran up the front steps and entered the palace. I could hear the echoes of my footsteps as I ran down the hall. I soon reached a well adorned door. I entered through it and immediately noticed the vastness of the room on the other side. And at the end of the room, sat a man on a throne. This man, was Stephen Harper. He looked at me with a piercing gaze. I knew I had to defeat him, but how? I grabbed a nearby chair, and warily approached. He simply stood up and walked towards me. Charging forward I struck him over the head with the chair. It hit him will full force, breaking. Leaving behind an eerie metallic reverberating. He was a robot! I quickly turned to run, I couldn't fight a robot. Then from the ceiling dropped 5 robust ninja elephants, cutting off my escape. I turned to face Stephen Harper again. His hands fell off, revealing his arms to be two harpoon launchers. The elephants were pressing in from behind me, waiting for Stephen to launch a killing harpoon. I knew this was it. I was done. BOOM! A huge hole appeared on the side of the room, and from it charged in a unicorn. It had to be the one from the alley! It ran in spewing rainbows in its wake, and impaled Stephen Harper with it's horn. Upon being impaled the robot instantly turned into marshmallow. The nearby elephant ninjas quickly descended upon the now marshmallow stephen harper, and devoured him. I got a strange taste in my mouth, which seemed to tell me to climb on to the unicorns back. I did just that, and it took me out of the palace to a forest about a kilometer away. The it stopped, and let me off. It began to communicate with me again. It told me why the robot wanted to kill me. I was the last surviving uniman. Apparently a long time ago the unimen were the protectors of the unicorns. They were inclined to do this, as they were part unicorn themselves. My great great great great great great great great grandma had been a unicorn. The reason unicorns were going extinct was because of the hunters. They viciously defeated the unimen in a long war. And now there was also only one hunter left. The small population of unicorns were still being tracked down, one by one. It went on to tell me that the only reason I could communicate with it was because I had unicorn blood in me. When it said this, I knew it must be telling the truth. It told me that the robot may have wanted to kill me, but wasn't the real mastermind behind this. The real mastermind was the hunter. If he finished me off there would be nothing standing between him and the unicorns. After letting all this sink in, the unicorn gently told me to get some sleep. I nodded and made my way over to the nearest tree. Propping myself against, I closed my eyes and slowly fell asleep.

When I woke up, I was back in the comforts of my room. I looked to the side of my bed and saw that the wheel of cheese was still there. It had all just been a dream. I let out a sigh. So I wasn't a weird unicorn human thing. There wasn't anybody looking to kill me. Just a crazy dream. I left he warm embrace of my sheets and walked over to the window. I threw open the curtains to find that it was beautiful day outside. I got dressed and walked downstairs. After a nice cup of coffee, and a bowl of Fruit Loops, I started out to enjoy this nice day. I went to lake and sat down on a bench. The sky was clear and blue. And I could hear the birds singing songs to one another. A rainbow appeared across the sky, just out of no where. It was soon followed by a second one above it. It was a double rainbow. I had no idea how it got there though, cause it hadn't rained recently or anything. But it was so... vivid. Then out of the corner of my eyes I saw something that really surprised me. It was Rose, and she was walking my way. I had liked Rose for a long time, but I had never had the guts to say anything about it. Now she was here, of all places. She sat down next to me and seemed to take no notice of me. Then before I could say anything, she turned to me and told me she loved me. I was shocked. Well, now was my time to be a man. I told her that I felt the same way about her. A large smile stretched across her face when I said this. She told me she was really sorry, but she had to go, but that I'd see her tomorrow. She walked away, leaving me feeling more elated then I had in a long time. I stood up, and noticing how late it had gotten, made my way home. That day could not have gone better. When I got home I turned on the TV. It showed the Toronto Maple Leafs, hoisting the Stanley Cup into the air.They had won! My favourite team, whom everyone believed to be cursed, and made fun of me for liking, had finally won! With this I quickly wen't upstairs to get some sleep. I couldn't wait for the next day. I'd get to see Rose, and I could brag to all my friends about the Maple Leaf's finally winning. I climbed into bed, and let the sweet aroma of the cheese wheel put me to sleep.

When I woke up, I found myself propped against a tree in the forest. Was this another weird dream? After a hard and painful pinch I came to a horrible conclusion. It had all just been a dream that it had all just been a dream. None of what happened in that dream was real. I really was a uniman, and more importantly the Toronto Maple Leaf's still sucked! NOOOOO! I hate when that happens. I paced back and forth a bit, to re familiarize myself with the situation. It became apparent to me that I had to find out just who this hunter was. I shook the unicorn awake and made my way to the palace once again. I needed to know who this hunter was. I quickly located Stephen Harpers office and began to search it for any evidence as to the identity of the last hunter. I opened all the drawers and checked all the papers. Then in the corner of the room, I found a package. I ripped it open and what I found was motor oil. Whoever had sent this to the robot had been the one in control of it. I looked through the scraps of torn package and located the return address. This package had been sent from Iqualit. It looked like my adventure was about to get cold. I ran outside and told the unicorn where the package had been sent from. It told me to climb on it's back. Then it ran. Rainbows streaming behind it. In little time at all the air began to grow cold. In retrospect a coat may have been a good idea, but there was no time to turn back now. A large body of water seemed to stretch farther and farther as we approached. Suddenly the unicorn came to a jarring halt. There was no way it could cross the sea. How would I get to Iqualit? The unicorn turned towards the water and fired a rainbow, right out of it's horn. I didn't quite understand what this would accomplish. Sure it was pretty, but no entirely useful. My doubt's were soon cast aside as I saw large horns breaking the surface of the water. Narwhals! Of course, the unicorn of the sea. The unicorn climbed on the back of one, and we were quickly moving once more. The narwhal, taking careful measures to keep us dry and above water, darted across the sea. Surrounded by a host of other narwhals, the journey was made without any problems. Before I knew it, the unicorn was stepping off the back of the narwhal and onto the shores of Iqualit. Around us we saw short, snow laden buildings. It was a small place, smaller than I had anticipated. At this point the unicorn told me that we must now part ways, as it could not allow itself to be seen. After bidding the unicorn a fond farewell I tuned to the city. It shouldn't take me long to find the address on the scrap of paper. The house in question was said to be on the corner of Sinaa and Qajac street according to the scrap. Fortunately I found that I was already on Sinaa street. After walking the street for a few moments, I found what I was looking for. The house had a bright red roof, and white walls. This was the place. Whoever was in that house had created Stephen Harper to kill me, and ultimately wanted to kill all the unicorns. All I had to do now was figure out how to get in. After looking around the surrounding area for a bit, I noticed something. There was a lot of snow. Using my quick wit I devised a cunning plan. I would disguise myself as a snowman and simply ring the door bell and go in. I gathered together a bunch of snow, and began to cover myself in it. It may have been cold, but if it worked, then it would be worth it. Once I had worked the snow into a snowman-like shape, I rang the door bell. After waiting for what seemed an eternity I finally began to hear the gentle fall of footsteps from within. They had a jiving rhythm to them. Almost a groove. The door swung open. I was blinded by the flash of one million shining sequins. I squinted through the glare, and was able to make out the figure at the door as some sort of king. Wait, not a king... the king! It was Elvis! Elvis Presley was the last hunter! He still was looking as young as ever and had a lively bounce to his step. Then I remembered, I needed some sort of reason for being here, an excuse. I told him that I had came here looking for a carrot, as my carrot nose had fallen off. I told him that without it, I would never be able to smell again. Elvis let out a long sigh before turning around to go rummage for a carrot. I took my chance. I stealthily crept out of the snowman, leaving it intact, which was no small feat in itself. I then sneaked into his house and made my way to his basement. I had to find out more about him, I had to figure out how this was possible. When I was in the basement I found exactly what I was looking for. It was Elvis's diary. I tried to open it, but it stayed firmly shut. After a quick once over I found a little device that was holding it shut. It was a password detector. But what would Elvis use as a password? I thought back to the days of Elvis playing in my house. Then it came to me. I quickly typed in 123gocatgo. Success! The cover swung open. After about ten minutes of reading, I had figured it out. Elvis had not even been aware he was a hunter until one fateful night. He had found out he was to be a hunter the same was his ancestors had. One night while sleeping,

Elvis had a dream about a unicorn eating his blue suede shoes. He woke up, and he knew what his purpose was. To kill all the unicorns. He later learned about the unimen. That night using only toothpaste and ingenuity, Elvis created an exact replica of himself. He proceeded placed it in his bed, making it look like a dead body. He then crept out and flew his private jet to Iqualit. Planning the death of all unicorns. From there he learned of the unimen, and sought to kill me as well. He assembled 2 robots for this. One was Stephen Harper bot. The other was.... Rose Bot! Rose Bot!?!?! I looked closer at the book. There was a footnote on the bottom of the page. It said the purpose of the Stephen Harper bot was to kill the subject, and the purpose of the Rose bot was to gain information on the subject. So Rose was a robot? Palm palm face palm. Oh well, the task still needed to be completed. I turned around and slowly crept up the stairs. He had to have a weakness. Then it came to me. Elvis was the king of rock and roll. And what killed rock and roll? Pop! I pulled out my iPod. Taylor Swift. Country- Pop. I found Elvis at the doorway, still talking to the snowman. I slid behind him, and turned on Taylor Swift at full volume. He let out an ear shattering shriek, followed by an explosion. After the dust cleared all that remained of Elvis was a gold sequined suit. I had done it! I had killed the last hunter! On the other hand... I just killed Elvis. Well, at least people already thought he was dead before. When I left the house I was greeted by a bunch of unicorns. Now that the hunters were dead, they were free to roam the world. A taste resembling that of a party entered my mouth. The unicorns were telling me it was time to party. After enjoying a long and wild unicorn party, I began to make my way back home, on the back of a unicorn. All we had to do was cross the bridge and we'd be there. Then the troll appeared. I had forgotten all about it. It ran to edge of the bridge and began to shout it's insults. The unicorn never slowed down, it kept charging. It rammed it's horn straight into the troll. Suddenly, the trolls body began to crack away. There was someone inside it. It finally broke all the way open, and fell away. This revealed a small, awkward geeky looking kid. All the people in the area ceased there arguing, and began to blink. The kid fell to his knees and began to thank us. He had made a pact with a troll shard to gain more power he said, but before he knew it, the troll shard had taken over. Now he was free. He asked me what he could do to repay me. Nothing came came to mind, so I was about to send him off, but then I remembered something. I invited him onto the unicorn and we rode back to my home. All the people on the bridge gradually dispersed and went there own ways. When we arrived at my house, I sent him off on an errand. Within an hour, he returned, with Rose. Using his technological knowhow the kid had reprogrammed her from spy, to normal person who happened to be a robot. I asked Rose if she'd like to go get some food tonight, and she said yes. I still liked Rose greatly. It didn't matter to me that she was a robot, I wasn't fully human either, I was a uniman. And you know what, robots need love to.

THE END