A Gambling Game...

Once there was a girl who died.
Heart switched to the "off" position.
Feet moving but never gaining any ground.
Her mind was gray with an endless array of nothing.
Eyes cold and blank, devout of desire.
Her skin shivering in the coldest part of oblivion.
Falling into a sea of ignorance.
Spiraling toward a never ending state of stupid.
Reaching up from the pit of death,
grasping for strength and finding
no more than a simple word. 
  

It floated there, miles above her,
always just out of reach.

Like a single star in the darkest part of night it shone.
It dissolved the decomposition hanging in the air.
Closer now, close enough to make out now.
Live. Live it said. As if mocking her.
What a silly word. How could this be
the way back from death?
 

But that word grabbed her, held her tightly.
It buried itself under the tender skin on
the back of her shoulder.
And then warmth. It felt like a million kisses.
She drank the sun. It filled her and radiated from her.
That word although blind, found it's way to her heart.
 

That silly word, Live.
She chuckled at the thought of it-
Laughed so hard she cried out all the muck and sludge.
It rolled down her face and trickled down back into
that hole of death it came from.
Her soul lifted as though flying, out and far away
from that place where you forget what is and what will be.
 

She glanced back to that place of decay,
but only long enough to pay her respects
to the girl who died there once.

Author's Note

Not spellchecked...sorry.

Reviews

[kollaboratyve]

This is very rich and powerful, unlike my bank account-lol "And then warmth. It felt like a million kisses. "She drank the sun. It filled her and radiated from her." The position of the words makes for some good drama in the poem. The tone is strong and commanding, Tone says a lot about the writer and their poetry. Overall, this is a good work!!!

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

A spine tingling write... the depth of the emotions is astounding and the simple message that is one we all need to pay attention to but most don't. Very impressive work.

This one is hard to criticise... It doesn't have a structure, meter or rhyme pattern and the descriptions and use of metaphorical language is captivating. The only thing I can think of os extremely minor and has very little effect overall.

I don't like the layout. With no real rhythm or structure it seems pointless; only serving to say "this is a poem" rather than actually adding to the effect. I think splitting it into stanzas would help, if only to make it easier on the eyes. I'd say at the end of line 11 (change of subject, from girl to word), line 19 (shift in tone), line 26 (description to action) and 32 (leaving three lines for resolution).

Again, it really is minor but there was little else I could see that I would change (which of course, is a good thing).

[David]

I liked the poem very much. I liked your other poems as well, but this stuck out the most. I dont think it was the way you wrote it, but more so the overall meaning of it. very good, keep it up.

[Delilah Dunn]

Beautifully written description of how life can knock us down, drag us into that hole, and kill us...and then, how we can punch it in the face and keep going. Soul touching work, Lo, as usual.