Western Ploys

A man's wife is presumed dead, but was she just his wife or was she also his friends' lady as well?

WESTERN PLOYS

By

Londone Watts

©2015 Londone Watts

9707 Cedar Street apt. 22

Bellflower, CA 90706

[phone]

[email protected]

Cast of Characters:

DALLAS..………………………………………………………………………...……….husband

STEVIE…....……………………………………………………….….lover, bartender, and friend

Franky………………………………………………………………….……….friend and mistress

SHERIFF...……………………………………………………………………....local town sheriff

KATERINA.……………………………………………………………...wife, lover, and mistress

JAMES…………………………………………………………………………..friend and victim

TIME: Mid-day-19th century Weston, Missouri

SETTING: In an old saloon with a bar counter and three stools with two men sitting on them. Behind the bar counter a man is serving drinks from a pitcher. There is an old western style wooden door that is pushed open and closed easily, and three glasses near the pitcher of beer on the counter in between the men.

ACT ONE

SCENE 1

(AT RISE we see DALLAS and KATERINA standing in front of a saloon bidding farewell.)

KATERINA

Now you just try not to get into anymore trouble you hear. I promise when I get back you can introduce me to those friends of yours, but not now.

(Giving Dallas a kiss on the cheek.)

DALLAS

I hear ya darlin’. I’ll awai’ your return all beer and skittles.

(With a sad look on his face.)

KATERINA

Oh, and before I forget, take this here pin and put it on your shirt. It says with love forever- Lucy.

(Putting a pin on DALLAS’s shirt.)

DALLAS

I’ll cherise it with my heart and with my gun. I’ll miss you baby girl.

(Smiling and kissing her cheek.)

KATERINA

Don’t you worry puddin’. I’ll go ‘cross lots to get to my handsome addle-headed boy.

(Laughing with a smirk and a wink as she turns and walks away.)

DALLAS

(Yelling back at her.)

Now that ain’t very nice darling. I happen to be in apple pie order!

(KATERINA exits the stage and DALLAS enters the bar to hear STEVIE telling FRANKY a joke.)

STEVIE

… and then he asked for more of the liquor. Shoot, I tell you that woman’s face lit up like a bullet’s departure from the gun! She cocked hat the liquor right out of that man and had him licking the trail for ‘er feet all the way home! That beef-head, I tell ya, I just kept on cleaning the pitcher with a smirk on my face.

(Letting out a loud laugh with FRANKY.)

DALLAS

(Taking a seat at the bar stool and getting a drink.)

Hey fellas, continue on while I nurse dis here anti-fogmatic.

FRANKY

Aww fiddlesticks, Stevie! Okay, I gots a joke that will knock you knickers off. Its got a California Widow and ‘er barrel boarder of a husband-

(A bell rings from the door opening.)

(The SHERIFF walks in with a glum expression on his face.)

 

STEVIE

(Grinning)

Hey there sheriff, come now, bend an elbow on the house!

(Hands over a glass of alcohol.)

SHERIFF

(Sighing while pulling a picture from his pocket out.)

Hey fellas, I gots some bad news for you Dallas. I’ll take the bottled courage here Stevie. This here is  picture of a women we believe owned a carriage that just blew to bits. I reckon this here be that wife of yours you were chattin’ about. I’m sorry man, but there is a strong possibility that she died in a fire. We don’t know for sure, but there was a burnt body so it most likely is yer’ wife.

(Takes a sip of beer and pats DALLAS on the back.)

(DALLAS takes the photo from the SHERIFF and stares at it.)

STEVIE

(Coming around to see the picture.)

Wow, she sure was a looker Dallas. She reminds me of the girl I got back in the town over. I gave her many jewels to represent my love. I sure would feel tore up if my dear Samantha was dead.

(Sounding distressed.)

FRANKY

(Looking down at the picture.)

Golly, if my mistress Sally from over yonder were dead I’d be a lone, drunkard of a man. I buy her all the finest dresses just to see her smile.

(Takes a sip of beer.)

DALLAS

(Deeply saddened.)

It’s a’right fellas. I sure will miss my wife Lucy, but we had gotten hitched in a flurry of passion unexplainable. I just wish I had for time to fall more entranced into her love spell, her diamond ring’s sparkles represented the amount of light she brought into my life.

(Puts photo on the table.)

SHERIFF

I’ll need you to come down for a questioning ‘bout your wife.

(Stands leaving the beer on the counter.)

(DALLAS takes one last look at the picture before getting up to leave. On the way out the door, they are stopped by FRANKY and STEVIE’s growing argument.)

STEVIE

(Enraged.)

You and my Samantha! You trader scum, why I ought of-

FRANKY

Save you words you boot licking snake! She most of loved me most cus’ I got a pin saying so!

(Growing louder with anger.)

Taking out my beautiful Sally and fillin’ her with your vileness!

(Points finger at STEVIE.)

STEVIE

(Pulls out a gun and aims it at FRANKY.)

Oh you mean that pin you ape? I got one just like it. And you’re right you ole’ badger, I’m filled with as much vile as this ‘ere bullet is filled with desire to lick that there forehead a yours!

FRANKY

(Stares unfazed into the gun.)

It’s a almost as much desire as my bullet has for your dear soul my friend!

(Pulls out his gun.)

(SHERIFF and DALLAS rush back to the two cowboys.)

DALLAS

(Bringing his hands up in peace.)

Hey fellas, what would cause us brothers to turn on anotha so soon?

STEVIE

It seems that wife of yers was my lover and this man’s mistress-.

(Growing even more enraged.)

Hay, so you too were messing with my girl. And you have a pin too!

(Takes out another guns and points it at DALLAS.)

FRANKY

You both are disgusting and fools to think my Sally would ever care-

(Takes out another gun and points it at DALLAS.)

DALLAS

(Grabbing at his pin, confused.)

You mean this pin here? Wait-

(Now enraged and yelling.)

You two devils had my precious wife Lucy! Ya really got me in the neck! The water is no longer as thick as the rivers… you disgusting leeches tainted my wife!

(Takes out two guns with one pointed at FRANKY and one at STEVIE.)

SHERIFF

(Taking his gun out and switching his aim at each person.)

Gentlemen I need all three of ya to drop yer weapons and come down to the station for conference-

FRANKY

Sorry Sheriff, but I’m not going anywhere with these to bootlicking four-flushers.

(Yelling.)

I don’t care a continental!

DALLAS

That’s the only thing you’ve said today that I’d agree on ya acorn calf!

FRANKY

Well don’t you think yer a auger! You’re only makin’ this an even badder box then before! Quite yappin’ your balderdash and do something with those barking irons if ya got the burrow milk to!

DALLAS

What you say?

SHERIFF

Keep it up and yall bull nurses may end up buzzards food! Please stop before ya balls!

STEVIE

No can do Sheriff. I’m on bumble bee whiskey and I ain’t feeling like stopping anytime soon. Got that you hard cases! Blood will be spilt in the ‘ere and now! Revenge for my grand Samantha-

FRANKY

(Cutting in.)

For my dear Sally-

DALLAS

(Cutting in.)

My beauty Lucy-

SHERIFF

(Agitated and frustrated.)

Hobble yas lips!

(A bell rings at the door.)

(The boys all look to see who has imposed on there moment just to see a women looking exactly as the lady in the picture. KATERINA walks by them then stops and looks in there direction.)

KATERINA

Hello gentlemen. Why, ya’ll seem full as a tick. Would any of you happen to know where I could find a nice inn? I have just arrived in town from over and need a place to stay.

DALLAS

(Confused and lowering his aim.)

Lucy? Is that you?

KATERINA

Lucy? No you must be mistaken, I’m-

STEVIE

(Cutting in and lowering his aim.)

Samantha?

KATERINA

(Growing frustrated.)

Samantha? My name is-

FRANKY

(Dropping his guns and falling to his knees in front of KATERINA.)

Sally, thank the heavens! Give these two vermin the mitten so we can go-

KATERINA

(Yelling and backing away from FRANKY.)

My name is Katerina! I come from a poor family but have manage to prosper off of my wits. Not Samantha or Lucy nor Sally! Katerina Petrova. Now please do you have directions or was this fuss for nothing?

(Huffing.)

SHERIFF

(Looking dazed and putting his gun away.)

Keep’a headin’ north and you’ll see a place towards yer left with rooms for such a flush lady as you.

KATERINA

(Winking at the SHERIFF.)

Thank-you dear Sheriff.

(Walks out without a glance back.)

(All men stood in confusion while she walked away. All guns away, they sat back at the bar while STEVIE went back behind to fill beer for all. They all took a long sip from there drinks in silence.)

SHERIFF

I’m dropping the case. People always go missin’ around here anyway. I’m turning in now, I need to hit the hay for a while and think about where my loyalties lie as sheriff.

(Takes a sip of beer before leaving the bar.)

DALLAS

Hey fellas, lets pull in our horns about this jig. We are to thoroughbred for such things.

STEVIE

You’re right, besides, there are plenty of Angelicas out there for the takin’, and some are Simon pure.

FRANKY

Yeah!

(They take another long sip of beer before JAMES came running towards them.)

JAMES

(Excited.)

Hey fellas! I just met the most beautiful jewel in the world down the road. Her name is Petrova and she and I are going to head out for a while to the town over. I think I might’a found the one.

(FRANKY, STEVIE, and DALLAS look at each other with deep frowns before making a silent agreement and turning towards JAMES with slick smirks.)

DALLAS

(Wild smile.)

Golly James, when you find the one you need to hold on with all you got.

FRANKY

(Laughingly.)

He’s right, they only come around once in a lifetime and need to be treated to all we can offer.

STEVIE

(With a devious grin.)

I truly envy your luck. I never thought I’d say this but you got better game ‘en me.

JAMES

(Glowing with pride.)

Coming from the Stevie of such power with women this means a lot, I’ll be off then. Gotta go shower my girl with lots of love and luxury.

(Walks out with a huge grin on his face.)

(The three men look at each other before bursting with laughter and clinking their drinks together in a toast. CURTAIN FALL.)