Undone

Honeyed words on guilty lips,

Sticky lies that drip drip drip.

Pretty stories that fill the gaps

and crystallize to block synapses;

the golden ooze that smothers truth and heals the wound - warm and smooth;

till I don't know where memories end and amendments begin.

Entangled, entwined the roots creep in

and choke at my Self, the real me,

the one that knows this is make-believe.

I hate that I believe you. I hate that I still care.

I hate that I choose the half-veiled, threadbare fibs

that trip off your lips

over being alone.

Author's Note

This is about my feelings during a relationship I had in the past where the other party continually lied and cheated on me. I felt confused and unable to unpick reality from the stories he wove to deceive me. This poem tries to put into words that confusion, in a rare moment of clarity, during that bleak period.

Any feedback/comments welcome!

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Direct and honest words. My favorite kind.
"I hate that I believe you. I hate that I still care.
I hate that I choose the half-veiled, threadbare fibs
that trip off your lips"
When we accept lies. Only sadness will be the final end. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[toza]

My gosh, this poem is beautifully electrifying. I especially love the flow of the poem, the rhyming of the ending words. Though it is a bit blocky in a few places -- but that's just the charm of freeform poetry -- it's such a well done piece. It's simple, yet it has a sort of charm, and captivating element to it that makes it very pleasing to read: a real, well-done piece of poetry, with amazing sensory details. A job well done.

[Paul]

Very capturing and raw, well done.

[barleygirl]

This is kickbutt reality spoken gently & creatively. I was really drawn into the reading as I went along, wondering where it was going. I totally understand it from an abusive relationship standpoint, but I was also getting a different idea that wasn't like abuse at all. How it feels when we've been doing all the work in relationship or friendship, then suddenly we wake up one day & realize the other person couldn't care less if the relationship continues or not . . . the way we beat ourselves up for being the fool, for wanting the other person to like us, but not even realizing they don't. Very intensely written for any reader to pour his/her own experience into.

[KTizzle]

I love the first line, definitely. "Honeyed words" are sweet, but I love that that you contrast that with honey being sticky and the lips being guilty. I felt like you can use a better word than "guilty" to make it more dynamic, but it's fine as is.

I'm not crazy about the repetitive use of drip. Unless you mean to use it to reiterate that you here the same lies over and over, which is why there's repetition there, then I think that lines could be improved.

The other four lines read perfectly. I would use other words besides "ooze" like "slime" or "sludge" or "fluid." I feel you could use more powerful words to convey your meaning. I'm not sure I understand the "warm and smooth" addition. I guess that's put there to say the golden ooze makes the wounds warm and smooth again. It reads a bit awkwardly. Perhaps replace the word "heals" with "makes" so it's more clear.

I didn't really like the second stanza just because you had such a lovely simile in the first stanza and then suddenly you're talking about roots. I think it's because the first line of that stanza is contradicting. First it seems you are entwined and entangled and you have them "creeping in." I thought that was a little off. Maybe you are entangled and entwined with something else and then comes roots? I don't know; it was a bit confusing. I can get behind the second line and the next. I wish there was more transition into the next stanza, but I get it.

The last stanza is good. I would replace "trip" to "slip" because "trip" makes me think of accidents or someone accidentally doing something when I don't think anything he did was accidental. I think the ending was good. I thought you conveyed the emotion of the piece nicely.

Thanks for posting! Have a great day!

[Homason]

Very pathetic. I could feel your emotions almost running over. Well constructive. It's a pity it had to end this way. Be strong. Love still exists. Hope you moved on... be worthy of love.

[M.Ruby]

I loved the imagery of honey you used in this poem-very inventive and effective. I thought the last verse was especially powerful. Well done. :)

[D Connolly]

Honeyed words taste so sweet, and then the bee stings. I've had a relationship like this, and you've put those feelings down very nicely.

[FIN]

Beautiful use of imagery, using a bees nest and nectar as the focal point was fascinating and captivating. I really loved it.

[Cahjli Symes]

Wow I know the feeling of the inspiration for your poem. It's very relatable hurting over someone you gave your all too; just for the other party to manipulate you repeatedly into questioning your own judgment and sanity. It's not your fault. Humans can be fucked up and s****y sometimes for the sake of narcissism. For the most part your flow with words are on point and I understand the origin of the subject matter. Great poem :)