The Sorrows Of the Sea

Won't you stay, 
I'm going down.
Sinking into a world 
that is hard to get out of.
For a fleeting moment I thought 
you'd steer back to me and pull me upright.
Keep me safe, 
watch the world drift by. 

Begging you 
just won't do.
The storm won't settle,
But Ill pierce a hole 
just big enough for the cold wind 
to seep in 
and then I won't need you anymore.
And I'll continue 
sailing along.. 

You'll see.

Reviews

[Glen Yumang Manese]

Going to be fun to do...but let's have at it...

Won't you stay,
I'm going down.
Sinking into a world
that is hard to get out of.
For a fleeting moment I thought
you'd steer back to me and pull me upright.
Keep me safe,
watch the world drift by.

Begging you
just won't do.
The storm won't settle,
But Ill pierce a hole
just big enough for the cold wind
to seep in
and then I won't need you anymore.
And I'll continue
sailing along..

You'll see.

[Lizzy Brookes]

I love it, thank you! Ill change it now :)

[Glen Yumang Manese]

You're welcome...makes it choppy and gives an effect...glad you liked it...

[Glen Yumang Manese]

as I read into the lines...
the sorrow as with your title...
just flows into the read...
and yet the ending conclusion...
has a passive effect...
is there a reason ---
some lines are rolling off the page...
or is that do intentional --- for a purpose...

[Lizzy Brookes]

The structure is supposed to be chopping, like the sea, all over the place... and it dies down at the end because its calming down. it still needs to be worked on, any suggestions?