*RED.

 

I’ve become such a little devil.

My scars glow red with suppressed rage.

My head just can’t stay level.

The voices inside rattle my cage.

 

I’ve become such an awful beast.

Feeding on other’s depressed emotions.

All around me here there’s a feast.

Pain roiling off like waves in an ocean.

 

Everything is red to me.

My pain has become so deadly.

Red blood, red skies, & red hair.

Scarlet, crimson, everywhere!

 

Revenge is now my favorite game.

I love to make others feel what I have to feel.

On my bullets I write my victim’s name.

He’s the last boy you’ll have the chance to steal.

 

I’m cleaning up Cupid’s mess with a gun.

That nude little b*****d’s caused enough hurt.

So while I’m on the job I’ll have a little fun.

Pop a cap in your a*s & watch the blood spurt.

Author's Note

not done.

Reviews

[Sound]

I read this one twice to make sure about what I would write as my review. Here it goes:

I think a gun without bullets is what best describes this piece. Although the poem's words seem angry and threatening--at least meant to be--I think the feel of it is more comical. Particularly the line about the "nude little b*****d". I think what brought me to this conclusion is the profanity in the piece that takes away from the poem. It doesn't feel like a real anger, but more like a cliche of anger should be. anger = pain, profanity, and violence. Also the rhyme scheme is a little predictable. I found that I knew what the next line would say just by reading the last line's last word.

Also, I would like to add that the last line (although I know it's not finished) REALLY threw me off. It doesn't go at all with the rest of the poem.

The sad part is that the idea behind the piece in itself is very good. Revenge IS a game, and it can be a losing battle for both sides. the part about writing the name of the victim seemed as if taken from a movie but was otherwise a nice point. It takes a commitment and strength to revenge someone because it waste's your own resources for an ends that might never come, or at least not to your liking. I just think the way you went about creating that idea through this poem was to be thought out better.

[Matthew Breeden]

I love it. Love the blood, love the violence, love RED... Crimson to be exact.

If cupid's the nude little b*****d that's caused all the hurt, I think he should have the hit put out on him next lol

[InkBlack]

It was good
Anyone who's had a stupid boyfriend, or a crush that didn't love them in return can relate to this. Myself included. I've had a dumbass emo boyfriend that killed himself and my next crush loved me, but more like a sister and after getting to know him for a period of a year, I realized that he isn't the one for me :( oh well, life goes on...

Anyways, my critiques are that the third stanza was kind of out of place because it didn't rhyme so you could probably either get it to rhyme or fix all the other stanzas so it isn't out of place. And that last line was graphic and gross.

Otherwise...nice work :)

[Colleen C Dunphy]

I find this to be interesting, it is really hard to follow, jumping around all over the place. I hope it will focus more as you finish it. I do like the tone, though I find the profanity to be jarring because it seems to come from nowhere even though the piece is so angry.
I hope this helps when you continue.
Best,
Lee

[D. Nelson]

i like this, so far at least since you said it wasn't done. nonetheless this is very dark and expressive.

[Kloud_Nine]

love it love it love it. Blood, pain, terror and LIFE - I derive all these things from reading this, gives red an entirely new meaning. Great job.

[Jarrett]

It's still pretty sic. Very dark.