Pencil on Paper; Chapter Two:The head rush

Chapter Two:
The Head Rush!

Link had on a grin,which was about the size of soccer-ball,well foot-ball for you American's who don't know the original name.''OK what is it Link?'' she asked,feeling very anxious,he had something up his sleeve,and was holing it back making her wait,and that drove her crazy.Link smiled and started slowly,''Well I was looking on the internet yesterday.''He looked to her again and licked his lips slowly,Millie sighed a-little,knowing he indeed was going to make her wait for his point to be made. ''OK so you went on the internet,what did you find?Oh do I even what to know what you were doing?'' she said with a small giggle.Link looked a-way and then said,''Well i found this one site and it had concert dates!'',pausing again,he looked back to her.''Well that is cool!could you give me the site?'' she said,Millie could tell this was not what he was exited about,what he was keeping from her.''OK well our favorite band is coming here!In a week!''Link had jumped up and landed in front of me,grinning again,''OH my GOD!'' Millie felt so exited,''No way!here?holy cheeses!'' she cried,her brain was tiring to get the whole concept of what was happing,but she was starting to feel a-little sleepy and need another of her bizarre coffee right about now.''I got two tickets!too'' Link suddenly added,his gaze was intent watching her every move,Millie looked back to him,after spinning on the chair doing her happy dance,that was a mix between the chicken dance,the wheel chair dance and a bundle of the 80's dance moves.''Wow you got tickets?how much are they?Hopefully i can get them and we could meet up there!''Millie was now her self grinning like its 2012 and her last wish was to die smiling.''Millie some times you can be the most half brained girl in this town,even more half brained then half brain Jessy!'' Link said to me,with his voice hinting having been injured.''What do you mean Link?'' she said,her face fell and the grin was disappearing slowly like the morning dew,slowly dripping down to the hard brow ground,and giving it the watery goodness.''Ok I'm going to put it in the most simplest terms yet.'' agravetion showing thru his calm blank face,he seemed in shock that she had not understood yet,nor got that he was asking her to go with him.Sighing Link looked in-to Millie's foggy eyes,''I got two tickets.'' he said again,more slowly again.Millie looked back at him,her face scrunching up in confusion.''Um OK?Who are you tacking along?''Millie asked,she could not recall any names he said,''Mills I'm asking YOU to come with me to the concert!''Link finally blew out,he sighed and softly smacked Millie's head.'Jess for a writer who is sopuse to ''paint''a picture of the scene for the reader,you miss a lot of clues in life some times.,he chuckled lightly,and smiled again.''So will you go with me on a date to our favorite band?''Link said smiling and relaxed,he sat back down next to me.''Um you're asking me out?'' she said,stated to obvious,''O-k,I really want to go!Just the book...'' she left that thought hanging in the air like humidity.''OK!well get that book done!I know its going to be great either way!''Link said excitedly,and leaped up he got his note book out and gave her a quick hug and went to go serve coffee.''Did he just ask me out?'' Millie asked her self,''Yeah I'd say he did Honey,cause that seemed like what he was doing to you!'' a soft sweet voice with a heavy accent spook,Millie turned her head to see,Missy.

Reviews

[The Perfectionist]

Ow. Ow. Ow. To quote my favourite reviewer, the plot is about as twisted and impenetrable as a granite octopus. I made it about halfway into the first chapter before my brain started to hurt, and I lasted until this one when my eyes did. You might have a great story here, but if there is one, it's buried underneath some honestly awful writing.

Have you ever heard of a paragraph? Your story is all bunched together in one great lump. I'd say you have pacing issues, but there isn't any pacing at all. You throw in lines for filler in a pathetic and ineffective attempt to disguise the fact that you haven't brought out any sort of characterization at all. You don't know how to speak English properly ("herself" and "everything" are one word, for example), your grammar is terrible, your punctuation is well, virtually not there, and I could go on ripping on this all day. I hope you are under the age of 10, because otherwise this is a very shameful effort

[Levin Ferdinand]

Cheri! Holy cow's fat, you've got a great story! Keep writing!