Helping three strangers

The protagonist walks in on an arguement between three youngsters, after being asked he decides to help them with unorthodox methods.

It was mid afternoon when I came upon a group of young people, two men, and a girl. The two men where fighting over the girl it seemed and she couldn't decide who to choose. Coming to no reasonable conclusion they wanted to hand over the decision to a outsider with no profits from the situation no matter which way it went.

So they asked me. Me, always willing to help agreed to help them settle the dispute.

I asked typical male number one what he desired most about typical girl

He was confused why I called him typical male number one but I did not deem it prude to enlighten him on the status of enslavement his brain was suffering from his testicles so I waited until he answered me.

He said "oh, I love her lips, eyes, slender neck and beautiful bosom, divine they are I ask myself why not all men are enchanted by them"

I listened closely and when he finished I asked typical man number two what he desired most about typical girl.

He answered "her legs are so long, her tiny feet are so cute and the roundness of her hips keep me awake at night"

He did not say with what it kept him awake but one question each would be fair, I decided so I asked typical girl what she desired most about typical man number one and typical man number two.

She thought (apparently deeply since she scrunched up her face as if she was constipated) and gave me her answer "I desire that they desire me"

So what typical girl was actually trying to say was that she did not desire typical man number one, nor typical man number two, but was to stupid or vain to realise.

I thought for a few moments and then came up with a acceptable solution I told them to wait for I had to go get something that would ensure the happiness of all.

I borrowed the axe of the local woodcutter and returned to the waiting threesome and told them "be joyful for I have found a way to make all of you happy"

They were delighted and asked me what I had in mind. I decided to show them instead, my mother always said surprises were a gift in themselves.

I pulled the axe back in a wide arc and then with a strong swing, chopped into the waist of typical girl. She looked satisfyingly surprised as her torso fell down onto the pavement and she found herself level with her own feet.

I took her by the arm and pulled her to typical man number one, and told him the happy news "here is all you desire, her beautiful mouth, eyes, neck and bosom they are yours" he looked overwhelmed.

Then I turned to typical man number two who was standing there with his mouth agape surely befuddled by the brilliance of the solution I had found.

Patting him on the back I said "rejoice for all you desire is now yours her feet, legs and beautifully rounded hips" he went white with joy.

Then I leaned over to typical girl her eyes already glossing over with content and I told her "you can be happy since you did not have to choose between the desire of two you will still have the desire of two"

Overwhelmed her legs gave in and fell over.

Satisfied and happy that I could help I looked up to see that typical man number one and typical man number two were vomiting to both sides.

I was bewildered. wasn't this what they wanted?

So I asked them "why are you being sick? did you not get what you desired most?"

Unable to answer me as they emptied their bellies I waited patiently for them to finish typical man number one was first he turned around and shouted at me "you just killed a person you sick f**k!"

Before I could answer typical man number two turned around tears running down his face hate was apparent in his eyes as he punched me in the stomach.

I was not only confused, but my own anger was rising as well "why are you angry with me? I only fulfilled all your wishes so that everyone can be happy and suddenly you decide to be contrary?"

They did not answer me, instead they started to kick me into the ground until I bled from my nose, mouth, eyes and ears and stopped only when they thought me dead.

They turned to each other and typical man number one said "I can only ever be happy again when I join my beloved once more"

Typical man number two chocked and pressed through his emotions "me too"

The solution was clear to me as they turned to the village crying on each other, behind their heads I raised the axe over my own.

I Enjoy helping people, even those who do no like to be helped.

* * *

Some time later I entered in the tavern and immediately drew a lot attention the owner came to me a stout woman looking concerned who said "my god what happened to you? were you attacked?"

I nodded and answered "I was asked by a couple of young people to help them out and once I did they suddenly attacked me and tried to leave me at the side of the street"

many people gasped.

"who attacked you?" someone shouted angrily

I answered truthfully "I don't know their names but they were having an argument when I arrived"

just then another person bumped into me from behind he was clearly out of breath and called for attention once it returned.

"listen people they just found three body's on the street who... who were chopped apart"

many people gasped.

"who would do such a thing?" someone shouted angrily

The out-of-breath-man answered "must have been someone strong with... I don't know a sword or axe perhaps"

Just then a second person bumped into out-of breath-man and tried to catch his breath.

"hey will the woodcutter was just arrested they found his axe covered in blood and gore"

many people gasped.

"will? I would never have thought that he was a murderer!" someone shouted angrily

I was shocked "a murderer? the woodcutter? no surely not, I met him and he was kind to me, I don't think he could murder someone in cold blood"

the second out-of-breath-man answered "well he says he borrowed his axe to someone who told him he wanted to 'help' a few people"

I just wanted to tell them that he did indeed let me borrow his axe but just then another person entered and shouted "the dead people are wills own daughter and both her suitors will disapproved of. an obvious motive"

many people gasped.

the owner of the tavern asked me "you were going to say?"

Since will seemed to be the murderer after all I just said "oh nothing it doesn't matter since he obviously had a motive, you never know people by the look of them" I could only shake my head at the horrid things people were capable of.

Author's Note

1200 Words.
Ignore any kind of problems, this was an experiment i don't plan on working on it anymore, it was a temporary indulgence not a project i care to pursuit.