Third day

That's what I did. I provided a meaningless answer with everything so mixed up that even I can't understand. I tried to reach the light, but I swam deeper into the darkness. I try to show kindness, I showed rudeness.

Words, words, words everywhere. 

Words that don't make any sense. They can be taken anyhow, depending on the perspective. Even if someone wants to help, on the other side can be perceived as the one who wants to destroy. To destroy everything in the same way, it has been always destroyed before. 

The reaction was as expected, the message was not clear and it was not received well. I don't know what the truth is and what are my feelings. As always at the end I am confused. I don't know if I am right or not. 

Left alone with my bad, bad thoughts everything starts to reveal in front of my eyes, I am guilty once again, everything is my fault, I should not start anything, I should keep my mouth shut and pretend on. Just wait for another childish act, for another stubborn act, for accusations, for bad behaviour... Wait and be supportive all the time, even when the other side isn't. 

The path is so clearly here but I don't want to walk on it. I want to sit down and talk. I want to sit down and listen. I want to talk and be understood, I want to listen and understand. It's so easy when you write it. Just sit down and talk. Just order that coffee, start to talk and everything will be solved. 

But what it's there to be solved? The problem with absolute honesty. No more hiding, no more pretending. Let it all be known. All the thinking behind, bad and good thoughts. How do we feel about each other? How do we feel about each other’s actions? Do were really know each other, our passion, our interests? I want us to discuss identity, I am me and she is her. 

We must establish the trust, that has once before been. What is the source of our behaviour? Why are we pushing each other away? Why is this happening? Should we both run away and forget about everything, start a new thing? Or maybe, just maybe, this time around is the time that we meet our past. We meet our past again with word after word spoken out of our mouth. Meet with the past, accept the past and learn from the past. And then we meet with the present. We say who we are, what hurts now. We meet the present, accept the present and learn from the present. We must accept both as we were, as we are and what we will once be. 

If we love each other there will be a way. If even I could now for the first time since I write found hope, then anything is possible. But days will pass by. Maybe weeks. Maybe years. Who knows? Will she ever be ready to look in a face of a truth and learned that we are both damaged and wrong. Maybe we were brought together to help each other. And this silence between us is just a form of help. This dislike that we feel now will teach us something. 

Anything at the end will teach us something.