First day, second part

My life was once ruled by simple words. Trust no one. If you trust, you will get hurt. 

But then I met my light. And because of him, I changed my life and my rule. Trust, but if you get betrayed only once by the same person, give it no chance. No second chance. Erase them from your life. You don't need people who don't need you. You don't need people who don't understand who you are. Even if they are your parents or your sister. It does not matter. 

Life is too complex to understand by itself. When you start trying to understand others and their negative behaviour towards you, you will fall even deeper. If you know, that their actions have nothing to do with you, you are completely allowed to set yourself free from the chains of relationship. Sometimes we don't even realise that we are holding the key to our lock. We just have to look deep, deep inside us to find it. 

And I did. I swam across the oceans of bad thoughts to reach my true opinions. I swam into the water like never before. I swam and looked for the treasure. The treasure that represents my real emotions, my real thinking, my real wishes. When I found it, it was like a beautiful dream. In there was my true unconditional love towards him, my true desire, my true wish. There were no wishes, there was just only one wish. That he will love me like he is for the rest of our lifetimes together. 

I asked myself if this is the real answer because my question was what to do with my most painful relationship now, the relationship with my so called sister. 

Then I realised, that this relationship is not the main thing in my life. Sure, we had some great times together, but she doesn't represent who I am, he does. What life will bring isn't important, important is that I am with him. Other people will come and leave, but us two are here to stay. And to know that, it’s a blessing. I cherish this blessing every night before I fall asleep. 

The moral insight of this thinking is, that it does not matter what happens to me and her. We are not soul mates, we were friends. And when one is more the friend than the other, it's over. It's so over, that you can't even declare the end. 

You just sit there ignoring the calls and messages. Because when bond so strong then ours falls apart, you don't need to declare the end, because you can feel it. You can feel it in every atom of your body. And that's enough. 

I don't have enough of a silver tape by myself to start putting the bond together. The trust is broken, the hope is lost. The end came as fast as the beginning. The castle was built by sand and is taken by water. Waves are too high and strong to stop them. But I don't even want to stop them. I have broken my rule too many times because of her. I will not change it for her because we are not meant to be. That's why I will not return the call, I will not give her a satisfaction of knowing what went wrong. 

She went wrong. She steered the wheel in the wrong way.

I never build a true bond before. Sure, I was pretending to build it, but that's nothing. That's so empty like my house when we had to leave. 

Many people, many friends has passed by me, but no one really touched me inside. They were only empty shells which just couldn't wait to surrender themselves to the system. They embraced it like it is their destiny. No one's destiny is to be part of the system we know now. 

I was and I will always be a rebel. And I need the rebels around me. The real ones, not the ones who are pretending to be, but in truth they are comfortable with the system as long as they benefit from it. I need real rebels, rebels that will not reveal their true power until the right time will come. I can see them. I see them all around me, we are maybe not close, but we are all connected. We, the rebels of the modern time, who will act rebellious when the time will come. Is he a rebel? Of course. Are they rebels? They will be. Is she rebel? I don't know.

I don't know who she is. All I know that she isn't the person that she wants me to believe that she is. The mask of a happy face and good soul has fallen. It was demolished in my eyes. Destroyed. Forgotten. Vanished. True colours have been painted, true feelings have been revealed. I can't help myself to feel what others feel. 

I am battling with this curse, that some people are calling gift. I am battling with it especially when it comes to the people who are close to me. 

Who were close to me. 

I can't help myself, but all that I have gotten lately from her was feelings I can not explain. Feelings that I don't want in my life. Envy, despise, hatred. She started to copy the wrong things. Things I can not understand. Things that are my identity, not hers. I was battling so long to establish who I really am and to show my true self to the world without fear or shame. And I did, I gloriously accepted who I am. 

For the people I don't know I am darkness. For the people I don't want in my life I am darkness. For me, I am darkness. But for the people that I love, I am light. For the people who need me, I am light. For me, I am light. I no more am battling with this two sides. I learned to accept them both. My darkness is my shield and my light is my sword. 

I created such an image of myself that most people don't want to approach me. And that's great. Because people who are worth of me dealing with them, will approach me, because they know that what really matters is behind the image. 

There was always this mental battle, this prejudice that people don't like me. That people just hate the bare existence of me. Trapped in this thought process years have passed by when all I did was worrying about what people think and why people don't like me. 

Poor, poor lost soul.