First day, first part

When your head becomes too hard to control. There are just way to many thoughts in it, that you just can not handle any more. It would be great if the thoughts were great but is bad because the thoughts are bad.

I thought I was doing this to myself. That I was responsible for every single of bad action that was caused by me or caused to me. Mostly, I probably was. But after he came into my life, everything changed. Everything but the thoughts. Bad, bad thoughts. Bad thoughts that kept distancing me from the opportunity to be happy. To be really happy, not just putting the happy mask on my face. Years passed by with incidents caused by my lack of trust and inability to allow myself to enjoy this gift life had brought me - unconditional love from him.

After six years, I find myself laying on the bed and realising something big. I am happy. I am truly happy. I am happy with my life, I am happy with me, I am happy with people around me. I had to cut some people out of my life, but the others came who gave me the feeling of happiness. Finally, I have surrendered myself completely. I love him, I love them. I even love myself with all the scars on my body and in my soul. I trust him, I trust them. But I still can not bring myself to trust me. To trust every single dark corner of myself that I will not do something so stupid, that will ruin everything. Not just that I will do something stupid, that I will think something so stupid, that will later manifest to the things that will tear everything apart. The illusion of fairytale will fall, and so will I with it. The princess in the castle will not be kissed and saved by the prince, but she will be betrayed and destroyed by herself.

If I could choose to not feel like I don't deserve everything that he brought to my life, I would. But the thing is that for everything good that had happened, he is responsible. He is the light of my life, and my essence is the darkness of my life. I can not stop myself from thinking what if there is the same for him with roles exchanged? What if he is the light of his life, and I am the darkness of his essence?

Just like that, I find myself trapped again in the tornado of bad thoughts, even though I started this paragraph with the realisation that I am happy. And I am. Because I know that I am happy, I able to fight a battle with my thoughts every day. Because I know that I am happy, I am in love, I deserve this fairytale and, after all, deep inside me, I know that I am such a contribution to his life that he is to mine. That's all that matters.

It's hard to explain why the start is dedicated to the relationship, which has nothing to do with the real reason for writing. The reason why it hurts. Why it hurts so much that it's affecting every single minute of existence. It hurts to the point that it hurts no more. The pain was monstrous for the first time, the pain was strong the second time, the pain was there for the third and fourth time. But after all this time the pain is no more. The pain is no more because the care is no more. How can you feel pain or love if you don't care? You just can't. You can pretend, but that's all. Why pretend? It is clearly the end of affection on her side, so I can end my pretend as well.

Reviews

[Meeks]

You would do well to name your chapters without any numbers. There are lots of computers spamming ads on here, so if you have numbers or meaningless symbols people might not look.

Also, I'm still griping about the fact that there isn't an 'essay' specialization here to select, because stuff like this shouldn't be called a chapter, but an essay. There's little or no plot, and you try to convey a certain meaning or experience while giving it extensive commentary. In other words, an essay. So many things could be so much more organized...

Watch out, some of your sentences are missing nouns. Like the very first one.

I think dividing your writing into paragraphs more could improve readability. Usually one tends to avoid giant paragraphs unless you have something amazing to say and have an awesome style to convey it with.
And most readers are scared off by minimal amounts of whitespace around the words.

But overall, I enjoy the way you piece words together. Hope you keep writing, and looking forward to reading more!

[Lix]

Thank you so much for your comment, I really aprecciate your advices! I allready changed somethings, I described my writtings as some kind of diary. I will try to correct and improve other things too. It's my first time publishing and I will definitely try to publish more... Thanks again for taking the time for this review ! :)

[Elise Anton]

I agree with Meeks. We need somewhere other than 'story' to place writing such as this. I write similarly, odd thoughts that occupy my mind and end up under 'story' lacking any formal structure and disappointing readers who have clicked on the title, expecting a well-though-out tale. I agree also about the spaces.
Having said that. a little restructuring would greatly improve your writing and showcase your style. I like where you are going, I empathised with the pain you described. Keep writing. Keep writing! I want to know more!

[Lix]

Thank you for your comment, I have already did some changes, thanks to all constructive comments. I will definitely keep on writing, it looks like I really choose the right community for publishing. Thanks again, the second part will be published this afternoon. Wish you a nice day and thanks again for your comment :)

[Elise Anton]

Looking forward to reading it!

[Jonathan Lee]

This essay needs a bit of proofreading. I can see at least eight issues with your spelling and grammar. If you'd like me to spell them all out, I can, but I'll set that aside for now...

Your vocabulary is simple and bland. As an example you wrote "bad" six times in two paragraphs. This is then followed by "happy" seven times immediately thereafter. As an example suggestion...

I would change this... "I am happy. I am truly happy. I am happy with my life, I am happy with me, I am happy with people around me." ...into this: "I am happy--truly happy. My life. Myself. The people around me. I'm content with all of it."

As it stands presently, it's like you're reciting a mantra. That might be appropriate in certain contexts, but here it just comes across as dull and unimaginative. I understand repetition for emphasis, but there's a fine line between being emphatic and merely being redundant. Your repetition centers around the words bad, happy, love, trust, and stupid. These words are so simple that to hear them over and over again starts to grate.

I think this style might work better in a simple heartfelt poem. In its current format, however, it just seems rather plodding.

Now, all that being said, it's not terrible. Connecting the image of a "fairy tale" to that of a "princess" in a "castle" can be a compelling metaphor. However, you literally just write "The princess in the castle" and "kissed and saved by the prince." It would be more interesting if you perhaps referred to a specific princess and prince and allow the reader to make the connection themselves. For instance...

"The fairy tale illusion will fall to waste, and the castle of my soul will crumble with it. Sleeping Beauty will not wake from her slumber. She will remain alone in the dark, her lips unkissed, as the walls come crashing down."

Again, your writing isn't "bad, bad" writing. It's just not terribly interesting at this point. It suffers from the kind of mediocrity one experiences in a deep dark depression, and so--if your words reflect the actual state you were in upon writing this--I can understand how that might have happened. Even sadness can be beautiful. The mundane numbness of depression, however, may be pitiable, but it doesn't usually make for good art.

Perhaps when you're not in the thralldom and malaise of apathy you might effect greater eloquence.

[Coyote Poetry]

A lot of thoughts in the story. The story felt like a journal of life journey and understanding place and emotion.
"Because I know that I am happy, I am in love, I deserve this fairytale and, after all, deep inside me, I know that I am such a contribution to his life that he is to mine. That's all that matters. "
Happiness is hard. Most of us always want more. Great wisdom is learn. When we learn. We have enough. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote

[Lix]

Wow, thank you so much for your comment! It is indeed daily dairy of fellings, each chapter is new day or new part of the day. It is really encouraging to read something like that, because this is my first time publishing anything, but I am writing my whole life. Will definitely publish more! Thanks again :)

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome.