Pacing

It was 2012 , i was a freshman in high school. Hawthorne High School. It was an ordinary school day and i can honestly say i was dreading the day ahead of me, which was actually normal. I was afraid of school. Everyday , being taunted and teased , it started to have affect me. I've already had the displeasure of feeling of despair constantly heavy on my chest. At the point i'm discussing it became fear. I feared what would happen next. I feared being seen. That day all i could remember is... I want to disappear.

Despite my ill feelings , i couldn't let that type of thought defeat me. I had to fight. All i could think about was how much i was already failing. Falling into that thought was not an option for me. Failure was not an option. I went to school repeating those exact words , hoping it would all be okay.

The whole way there i had a heavy feeling on my chest. I was beyond stressed out and filled with fear but all i could think about was not failing. I did want to disappear , but i did not want to disappoint my family. I had always been "okay" and i wanted to things to stay that way. If that meant faking it until the day was over , fine. I was willing to do anything. I just didn't know it'd be so hard. I didn't know what i walking into. 

As i walked into school , the feeling on my chest grew stronger and stronger. It became so heavy. I wanted to just breath but the last breath i took felt the sharpest and the hardest to release , almost as if it was stuck. I didn't make it very far before i began to panic. The last breath i had to take was suffocating me. My feet were stuck to the spot i was standing in and it seemed as if the air was getting hotter. Trying to breath had become unbearable on my chest and the heat was making me dizzy the only thing i thought of to do was run to the girls restroom to sit a while before class. Till this day i'm so happy and sad that i made that decision. 

I carried myself as best i could to the girls restroom. To my luck it was empty , i could rest , i could breathe. The only negative i believed i had in that restroom was that i was alone with all my thoughts and insecurities but there were plenty more negatives. I was alone with my thoughts and insecurities , i was also still in panic mode. I believed the time i needed to breath would help but it did not. I only spiraled deeper into my thoughts and before i knew it panicking turned into what seemed liked an anxiety attack.

I had no knowledge of anxiety at that time. I wasn't aware of any mental health illnesses or emotional disorders. My chest , the heat , the dizziness , it all frightened me. My thoughts on the other hand frightened me more. They were so loud , so forceful. I felt like my thoughts were causing me so much stress that i started to have a heart attack. It was just the worst pain , it made me think back to all the pain i've felt ever, all the emotional and physical pain i've had to endure because of others. It made me angry. I didn't feel i deserved that. 

My anger took over me. I remember thinking , "What'd i do to anybody?" and i just broke down. My chest was still inflamed and my mind began racing with all these questions that i had no answers for. Who was i to answer for even such a small population of humanity ? I was nobody and at that point i truly felt it.

I wanted my circus in the restroom to come to an end but i didn't want to face anybody. I didn't want to be seen. If i was to make myself okay and go on like nothing happened , i'd just break again. I'd just fall all over. A process i was truly getting tired of. It became more work then school , it became more work then home and i was exhausted... this next part isn't the easiest to talk about. It was mess.

It ended in self harm. I cut myself that day ... on the wrist. I just wanted to all stop for once. I reached a point of no return and i was angry. 

After self-harming i stayed sitting , hoping , i wouldn't be any where near here when i woke up. I wanted what i did to work. I stayed letting myself bleed and convincing myself that , that was the end. 

Something happened that had never happened to me before. As i was sitting there crying out the rest of my pain , a girl came in and she saw me. She followed the sounds of my sniffling and came to ask if i was okay. I believed she could see a little blood from the where she was standing because her voice became frantic as she began offering help. I was already accepting , so her trying to help me made me feel bitter. I felt as if she was trying to cheat me. For a long time, i had no desire to be where i was any and now , after all this time , I'm being saved ?

While she may have felt empathy , i felt embarrassed. The whole point was to leave everything behind without a story , without some huge scene. I didn't want the attention but I couldn't fight anymore. I may have had a plan and i may have been upset but i was so hurt and exhausted that i just gave up the fight and let her help me.

I let the principal call 911 and i let them take me to a mental hospital. My first time going out of 6 times in total.

I didn't have it in me to fight. I had been fighting myself that whole morning and i just wanted some help. I was so focused on not failing everyone else , i ended up failing myself. 

I want to share my story to other young girl , young women. I have a lot more to share i'd just love to know what you think of this so far.