A Year In My Life

A true story of this last year of my life. I haven't told that many people this so I'm just coming out with it.

People say life is awesome and that they love living it, so why is it that I'm ready to curl up and die? I'm stuck with a step father who decides that I can't do anything in my life right. Up until just recently, it was getting so bad that I couldn't even say hi without him thinking there was to much attitude in the way I said it, when really there was't any. When I tried to do something for him and my mom all I got was that it wasn't enough or I could of done it better. Every single day they would be in my face telling me that I was in pain and was suicidal, even though I wasn't at all. They thought they knew everything I was feeling, when reality was they were completely wrong... They put me through so many councilors trying to get me to talk when I had nothing to talk about. 

Everything at home was a constant fight. It could have been the smallest issue but it would get blown up like I just bombed the American White House. So eventually I just stayed down in my room to avoid the fights. With this, they concluded amongst themselves that I was sulking in life's misery and therefore was suicidal. Which was a completely false accusation. But after a while of all of this, I just couldn't take the pain of it anymore. The fights and pain was just to much. So I started cutting. I did this for a while without them knowing, and kept doing it even when they found out. After a while it just became a habit that I couldn't break. In the end I had cut over one hundred and sixty times.

The fighting kept going on, each fight getting more severe than the last. Verbal evolved to physical, and a nightmare became my life.I would run away from home often; spend my nights behind WalMart, and days in the forest of our local park. I met a girl who made me happy and loved me for who I was, and I the same. After a while I gave her a ring and a promise to be hers forever. I told her we would get married after we moved out on our own and got a place together; it was our dream. But things at home with the parents were still going further and further past rock bottom. Also I was losing friends with every week; family were dying, and other friends tried to kill themselves. It wasn't going so well. I started smoking pot to try to ease the pains, but they were always there.

I would get high every day and night hoping, just hoping one day the pain would end, but it never did. Along with this I was still cutting every single spot on my body possible. I also started drinking to ease the pain, but i could never drink enough, so the drinking didn't last long. After a while of trying to cope with the pain, fights, and accusations I started to become what my parents were assuming. Suicidal thoughts would pass though my head a few times a week. I tried a countless times to kill myself but I never could. Cars would stop, cuts would clot, and my body just wouldn't let me drown myself. And I knew I truly couldn't kill myself, because deep down, I didn't want to die. I just wanted the pain to stop and death seemed like the only option at the time.

My girlfriends parents hated my guts for no apparent reason and basically forbid our love. I couldn't see or even talk to her other then at school. But we loved eachother and knew we were the one for eachother, so we fought for our love through all the pain. They offered her five hundred dollars to break up with me, but she refused it to be with me. But to add to the pain, I found out that she was getting sexually assaulted after school by this thirty-six year old guy. They found his DNA inside of her after she confessed he had raped her. What he did destroyed both my girlfriend and I. But than one thing happened that just destroyed my life.

I was supposed to going back to B.C to visit my dad for two weeks, so I packed enough clothes for about one week. Along with my camera and Ipod; thats all I had. Right as me and my mom leave for the airport, she tells me that my plane ticket is only a one way ticket and that I cant come back or live under their roof ever again. They were kicking me out. I begged to stay but they wouldn't listen to a word I had to say. I got dropped off at the airport and left there all alone with tears pouring from my eyes. I didn't get to say goodbye to anybody.  I didn't get to say goodbye to any of my friends, I didn't get to give my girlfriend one last kiss or even say goodbye. And worst; I didn't even get to say goodbye to my five year old brother. I couldn't even see him before I left. I was separated from everybody I knew and loved in the span of an hour. And now I can't go a day without thinking of my girlfriend, or the countless hours playing with my little brother. I remember the days of just hanging out with my best friends, but now thats all gone and memories are all I have left. People say life is awesome and they love living it, so why is it I'm ready to curl up and die?

Reviews

[Blue]

Wow... Very.. wow... you've been through a lot. Very good writing though. Sometimes life does has it's ups and down. You had a lot of downs I see. But everybody has those times in one life time period. Very great writing! Bravo.

[An owl on the moon]

You've been through so much... things that take a deep toll on your heart and mind. I'm truly sorry for the pain.. the sense of loss.. I want so much to see this next year turn around for you.. I've been through years of depression, and now see light I didn't see before. Life isn't always awesome.. it isn't. sometimes it's filled with pain... and yet.. it can change and it can change through us.. our response.. I do so want you to find this next year a new story filled with open doors..

[Tate Morgan]

Focus On a goal in your life Simple or hard But do it for yourself Build pride that comes of forgiveness And happiness will become second nature to you

[DareToDream]

wow this is hard. But you have to realize that in the end it will only make you that much stonger...I promise. I know, much easier said than done. you'll get thru it. think of it this way; you may be helpless in the situation of you getting kicked out, but wat you can take control of is the outcome of this event in your life. at the end of the day, only you can control the outcome...remember that.

[Aimee Mahathy]

Wow, I haven't been through the exact same circumstances, but I've been through the same emotions. It's tough, very tough... when living becomes simply existing and each day is such a hard battle. Even now, after all the calamity is over (or so I like to think, in hope) I still can never remember to brush my teeth or take a shower- simple things like that. I became so used to just trying not to lose my mind that I had no more brainpower to even think of those little things. My fiancee always b*****s at me for not brushing my teeth, but how can I tell him it's because when I was supposed to make that a habit, I was too busy trying not to kill myself....
Stuff like that, with your parent's accusations, is like a self-fullfilling prophecy.
Parents can be waaaaaay too paranoid, too afraid of anything bad happening to their child that they go overboard. Hell, I wasn't even a mother for more than a day (long story) and I was already afraid of everything bad that could happen to her in her life. lol And in today's world, talk of teen suicide is everywhere. So it's only logical that parent's should be on the watch for it. But, notice I said "on the watch"- not accusing their child of being suicidal. It's good to care, but it's not good to push them over the edge.
I know the feeling of not being good enough. That's actually one of the roots of all my problems, the cutting, the drinking, the eating disorders. Everything seemed to boil down to the fact that I wasn't good enough. And even my fiancee always points out what I do wrong, not what I do right. If I do the dishes, well, you forgot a spoon. If I dress up, "you're going out in that?" I could clean the entire house, but if I leave a book on the floor- that's what he talks about, not what a good job I did. x_x He doesn't mean to belittle me, he just wants me to do things better. I get that, but when your mind is fragile, it's like a blow to the gut. Feeling completely unappreciated, like a failure, never did anyone any good. I can attest to that.
I stand by my own saying "If you tell yourself something long enough, anything can become true." I first realized that with my eating disorders. I drilled thoughts into my head that are completely illogical, but even now they're as true to me as the sky is blue. I made myself believe that fat people get nowhere in life, that the feeling of hunger is a good thing, that eating means you're a failure. That's all crazy, but I still tend to slightly look down on being overweight. Not overweight people, but me being fat. Even now, if my stomach growls, I get a shot of ecstasy going through my entire body- it's like being high. It's all trained into my head. So, having your parents say that so often and for so long, it makes sense that you would eventually become that. It's terrible, but I can see how it'd happen.
I know that they probably regret it. Not that they'll admit to it... parent's never admit when they're wrong... but I know they feel it.
And I understand that you didn't want to die. I've tried to kill myself so many times that I've lost count. I tried hanging, cutting, overdosing, drowning, smothering, and starving myself to death (that takes a while). None of them worked, obviously. But, the thing is, each time I did that I didn't really want to die. I mean, if s**t would've or could have just changed, I would've been fine. I just wanted things to be different. My stepdad to disappear. My dad to come back. My mom to quit being so crazy and dragging me through her s**t. My friends quit betraying me. Me quitting being so fat. A lot of things could have been different and I might have wound up being fine now. I just wanted another chance. Like, if you believe in reincarnation, then you'll believe that if you were to kill yourself, you'd have another chance at life. That's how I thought. If I could just start over, have a new family, make new friends, be a different person (oh that self-loathing) everything would be ok.
But I guess the point of failing at suicide is the realization that it's not that easy. Your second chance comes every day. It may be hard, but you can change things. Cut out the people who hurt you and find ways to prove those people who say you're not good enough wrong.
I always say, when people say things like that to me, I'm good enough for me, and that's enough. Why hate yourself based on someone else's standards? Telling yourself that helps a little~

Bahhh, I've rambled a lot more than I planned to. u.u Sorry!
but hey, how old are you again?
I'll tell you one thing that I've learned. Ever since I turned 20 and realized that all of that was behind me. Getting out of high school does a lot. you realize that you've got eternity in front of you. It's not even as scary or depressing as you might think. Don't think of it as good or bad, think of it as time. Time may not heal everything, but it'll hurt a lot less. Plus, given that time, you can get far away from those who have hurt you. Also, I'm sure you can find your girlfriend again! And when you're an adult (ie: 18 or whatever), parents can't say anything. They may not like you, but they can't forbid you to see her. And if she loves you as much as you love her, I'm sure it'll all work out. :3

Sorry again for rambling- I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. *hugs*

Feel free to message me anytime if you're having troubles~

[Bette]

well, i am not sure what to say to this with out sounding like a mom. this story is a good opne and i think it could be even better if you went over it a few more times. i am sorry for your pain hun.

[LivingDeath]

i didnt mean to imply i was going to kill myself at the end of the story. Sorry for the misunderstanding.. Im not going to kill myself no.

[Deaths Cold Kiss]

this is terrible. please dont do anything to hurt yourself. i know that you and i dont really talk on here, but, i would be very sad if you would do something to harm yourself, youre one of my friends on here... please dont give up. life is hard , i understand, but, please, dont give up

[A.M. Everlasting]

I'm so sorry that you've been put through all of that. It's truly horrible. There's nothing I can say to you that will make it better, that can ease the pain. Just keep breathing, take it one day at a time. Focus on becoming the strong person that can go back to your brother, to your girlfriend, and not have to answer to anyone. Life isn't awesome, and it doesn't always seem worth living. Life is a long, hard, and bitter road. But think about those happy memories again. They were good parts in your life, weren't they? You'll have moments like that again. It'll make you cherish them all the more, and give you some hope when the darkness starts to set in again. Just keep holding on.