A Year In My Life

A true story of this last year of my life. I haven't told that many people this so I'm just coming out with it.

People say life is awesome and that they love living it, so why is it that I'm ready to curl up and die? I'm stuck with a step father who decides that I can't do anything in my life right. Up until just recently, it was getting so bad that I couldn't even say hi without him thinking there was to much attitude in the way I said it, when really there was't any. When I tried to do something for him and my mom all I got was that it wasn't enough or I could of done it better. Every single day they would be in my face telling me that I was in pain and was suicidal, even though I wasn't at all. They thought they knew everything I was feeling, when reality was they were completely wrong... They put me through so many councilors trying to get me to talk when I had nothing to talk about. 

Everything at home was a constant fight. It could have been the smallest issue but it would get blown up like I just bombed the American White House. So eventually I just stayed down in my room to avoid the fights. With this, they concluded amongst themselves that I was sulking in life's misery and therefore was suicidal. Which was a completely false accusation. But after a while of all of this, I just couldn't take the pain of it anymore. The fights and pain was just to much. So I started cutting. I did this for a while without them knowing, and kept doing it even when they found out. After a while it just became a habit that I couldn't break. In the end I had cut over one hundred and sixty times.

The fighting kept going on, each fight getting more severe than the last. Verbal evolved to physical, and a nightmare became my life.I would run away from home often; spend my nights behind WalMart, and days in the forest of our local park. I met a girl who made me happy and loved me for who I was, and I the same. After a while I gave her a ring and a promise to be hers forever. I told her we would get married after we moved out on our own and got a place together; it was our dream. But things at home with the parents were still going further and further past rock bottom. Also I was losing friends with every week; family were dying, and other friends tried to kill themselves. It wasn't going so well. I started smoking pot to try to ease the pains, but they were always there.

I would get high every day and night hoping, just hoping one day the pain would end, but it never did. Along with this I was still cutting every single spot on my body possible. I also started drinking to ease the pain, but i could never drink enough, so the drinking didn't last long. After a while of trying to cope with the pain, fights, and accusations I started to become what my parents were assuming. Suicidal thoughts would pass though my head a few times a week. I tried a countless times to kill myself but I never could. Cars would stop, cuts would clot, and my body just wouldn't let me drown myself. And I knew I truly couldn't kill myself, because deep down, I didn't want to die. I just wanted the pain to stop and death seemed like the only option at the time.

My girlfriends parents hated my guts for no apparent reason and basically forbid our love. I couldn't see or even talk to her other then at school. But we loved eachother and knew we were the one for eachother, so we fought for our love through all the pain. They offered her five hundred dollars to break up with me, but she refused it to be with me. But to add to the pain, I found out that she was getting sexually assaulted after school by this thirty-six year old guy. They found his DNA inside of her after she confessed he had raped her. What he did destroyed both my girlfriend and I. But than one thing happened that just destroyed my life.

I was supposed to going back to B.C to visit my dad for two weeks, so I packed enough clothes for about one week. Along with my camera and Ipod; thats all I had. Right as me and my mom leave for the airport, she tells me that my plane ticket is only a one way ticket and that I cant come back or live under their roof ever again. They were kicking me out. I begged to stay but they wouldn't listen to a word I had to say. I got dropped off at the airport and left there all alone with tears pouring from my eyes. I didn't get to say goodbye to anybody.  I didn't get to say goodbye to any of my friends, I didn't get to give my girlfriend one last kiss or even say goodbye. And worst; I didn't even get to say goodbye to my five year old brother. I couldn't even see him before I left. I was separated from everybody I knew and loved in the span of an hour. And now I can't go a day without thinking of my girlfriend, or the countless hours playing with my little brother. I remember the days of just hanging out with my best friends, but now thats all gone and memories are all I have left. People say life is awesome and they love living it, so why is it I'm ready to curl up and die?

Reviews

[Chelsea.]

Wow. That's really serious and intense. All i can say is that i'm sorry for what you've had to go through. I can relate to it though. More than you may think.

[Vanessa]

wow. thats all i gotta say. wow.

[Nathan Durham]

Wow man, that was intense. I really feel bad about all the s**t that happens in your life. You did a good job expressing your powerful feelings. I can't really give you any words of advice, because my stuff is nothing compared to this. Just know, that everything will get better eventually.

[Liza]

your writing will be your hero, keep it up and get it out of your system. I suspect you are a teen and i remember going through the same. So many adults telling you what to do, who you should be and how you should think. I understand the pain and I know it feels like the rain will never stop. Parents are weighed down by the responsibility of bringing in children and raising them to live in society but instead of having compassion and remembering what it was like to have the same pressures they get frustrated and their children feel like they are at fault for just existing. Keep writing, it will be your savior. You don't need to numb the pain or feel like curling up and dying...Life is not a continious happy cycle and that belief is where we fall; take what you can that makes you feel alive and continue forward because nothing is temporary. The struggles are not pleasant but the resistance somehow builds our strength. Know that even though you may feel alone, it is a universal truth that everyone goes through what you do. Keep writing and listen to your heart.

[Bhavya Kaushik]

I liked how you used the same sentence at both the beginning and end of the writing. I actually have used this technique in some of the pieces that I wrote like 2 years back. Well, this technique creates a very good feel in the write.

I loved your narrating style and liked this piece a lot, but then I also felt sorry for you :(

[Kayla_May]

=[ wow i am so sorry i dont even know what to say.

[Krista]

My life is so much like that. I feel really strongly towards this writing of yours. I have been through conseling since I was like 5 years old and still am in it. It doesn't seem to help me much. I still have suicidal thoughts and want to self injure often. Please whatever you feel don't curl up and die. Its alright to cry but not to give up everything that you are and have even if it seems that you have nothing anymore you do have something. I am not one to tell you to not kill yourself as I want to die as well. I will leave it at this. If you do try and commit suicide be ready for the consequencses as I ended up in the hospital and then a day program. Neither of which is fun.

[Angie Diane♥&hea..]

I feel horrible for you. I have never run away, but I want to. I used to cut...but cutting isn't worth it. I wouldn't ever talk to my Mom if she kicked me out. I'm really sorry. I can relate to this.

[Miss Coral]

This sounds a lot like the situation that a couple of my friends are in... I'm sorry. I know it's really difficult. :c


There were a couple grammatical errors that I only noticed because I'm a total grammar freak:

They put me through so many councilors trying to get me to talk when I had nothing to talk about. *counselors

My girlfriends parents hated my guts and basically forbid our love
*forbade

eachother is two separate words.



All in all, great piece, full of emotion.
I'm sorry that it was so difficult for you, but over the course of my life I've learned that the people who suffer through the most turn out to be the best.
Good luck.

[Alex W]

Sounds pretty rough, I hope you are coping.

I can't really tell you anything to fix it or make it better, but good luck to you.