Water and Other Fluids

Sometimes it's clear, sometimes thick - 

Colour of nothing, colour of drunken insanity

Taste of the world - taste of no words

Rivers and showers - of gold and iron

It's only water, it's not wine anymore

Go on, move on - someday we might find home

But now - alone

 

Sometimes it's obvious, sometimes you shiver inside

Colour of rainbows and wonders, colour of beige and denies

Writing 'love' on your fists

The baby doesn't know what it means

Ink; black, red or blue - 

They don't go through the soul

It's just the superficial skin

 

Saliva in our mouths

Sweat in our bodies

Liquid from me, liquid from you,

I only want to know the truth -

No lies, no broken promises, no excuses

Clear as water, not dirty like other fluids.

Reviews

[Steph's Script]

Very nice poem, I like the creativity and the style in which you have. The poem's overall metaphor is very original one that sends a simple yet complex message. Some tips I might add if you don't mind, just some little things that might help it flow better would be to find lines where you can shorten some sentences. This will create bigger impact I think, which will make your poem even stronger. I know it seems small, but sometimes it's the smallest edits that make all the differences.

For example, there are a lot of lines in the first stanza:

"Sometimes it's clear, sometimes it's thick" can change to
"Sometimes it's clear, sometimes thick"

"Colour of nothing, color of drunken insanity" can change to
"Colour of nothing, colour of insanity"

"But now you're alone" can change to
"But now alone"

Try these edits and read it over, even if you don't like it, you might find some extra filler words that you can do without. It might be hard to take out some words, but the result might be worth it.

[Midnight_Mystery]

very interesting write! nicely done :)

[Stef Outsiders]

I really like this, how you use water and other fluids as something you feel and what you want out of a relationship, i.e "No lies, no broken promises, no excuses. Clear as water, not dirty like other fluids." I really love that... Thumbs up babe!!

[Richard Williams]

Truth is clear water, deception dirty fluid.

[iamkim]

Very promising.... can I add the tear that comes from every individual. The only fluid which could express what you really feel inside.

I so much love this! Good work :)

[Sherbs Dreaming Tree Of..]

The subject is sublime :)
Structure is even better and your writing skills, well, they are just amazing :)
Keep writing and sending RR's :) 1000/100 :P

[Sunni Davis]

This is really good. Great job!

[Zoe Jay]

This is an excellent piece of writing. Very original and unique descriptions of blood and water, and a very unusual comparison of the two, really original writing. It's also a great concept. I sort of read it as, water represents the Earth, and purity, and maybe even God and eternity, while blood represents the weakness and fallacy of humankind. The whole thing is very well thought out and tied together in a neat and concise package. This well edited and a disciplined piece of writing which has a lot of impact. The final line is outstandingly good.

[Rikkevi Rue]

in the labyrinth of deceits that passes for love and relationships the items of true value can easily be lost, especially in a world which is out of touch with honesty and compassion. The feelings of another, once a glorious extension of ourselves become dim and then disconnected and finally opposed. Separate. Sadly this is becoming more prevalent in our decadent society.

The beauty of this write is that it ascends from that low state up to a recognition of and demand for sentience and decency, and conveys these values in a way that in tangible and real to anyone. I rate pieces by how well they convey a concept and how much they invite the reader to contribute to the piece from their own experience and reality. This piece well fulfills that, it is also creative and original and not just a copy. That is a mark of individuality and vision you should continue and work to develop from that your own style, which distinguishes you..

[John Jackson (El Juero)]

I like this. Well thought out, with a solid message. You just want some Truth!