Water and Other Fluids

Sometimes it's clear, sometimes thick - 

Colour of nothing, colour of drunken insanity

Taste of the world - taste of no words

Rivers and showers - of gold and iron

It's only water, it's not wine anymore

Go on, move on - someday we might find home

But now - alone

 

Sometimes it's obvious, sometimes you shiver inside

Colour of rainbows and wonders, colour of beige and denies

Writing 'love' on your fists

The baby doesn't know what it means

Ink; black, red or blue - 

They don't go through the soul

It's just the superficial skin

 

Saliva in our mouths

Sweat in our bodies

Liquid from me, liquid from you,

I only want to know the truth -

No lies, no broken promises, no excuses

Clear as water, not dirty like other fluids.

Reviews

[Steph's Script]

Very nice poem, I like the creativity and the style in which you have. The poem's overall metaphor is very original one that sends a simple yet complex message. Some tips I might add if you don't mind, just some little things that might help it flow better would be to find lines where you can shorten some sentences. This will create bigger impact I think, which will make your poem even stronger. I know it seems small, but sometimes it's the smallest edits that make all the differences.

For example, there are a lot of lines in the first stanza:

"Sometimes it's clear, sometimes it's thick" can change to
"Sometimes it's clear, sometimes thick"

"Colour of nothing, color of drunken insanity" can change to
"Colour of nothing, colour of insanity"

"But now you're alone" can change to
"But now alone"

Try these edits and read it over, even if you don't like it, you might find some extra filler words that you can do without. It might be hard to take out some words, but the result might be worth it.

[trainwreck]

Interesting rhythm and lines here. Unfortunately, this got buried in the back of my read requests (which I am desperately trying to catch up with). I'm glad I found it. It has unexpected twists, and yet maintains a consistent theme. Good job!

[Shelby]

I like the meatphore of liquid, how you start out describing the qualities of liquid, then move in the second stanza to the real meaning of your poem. I like the poems that leave a little mystery to your true meaning, and you are spectacular at that.

"Colour of rainbows and wonders, colour of beige and denies"

This was my favorite line, the way you move from liquid (with the color) to your true meaning (with the denies, which is a faculty only humans have), and then use this as your jumping off point. Then, with the third stanza, you bring it back to the beginning and the metaphore of liquid. Masterfully done and a very interesting style of writing. I am very impressed. Thank you for sharing this with me.

[Patches I'm not so new..]

Very discriptive I truly like your last three lines of the poem they sum up in a way the same my lady and I promised each other when first we met This is awesome!

[Esoteric Strand]

Overall, this piece is interesting. The line breaks make perfect sense, making the poem very easy to breeze through, but there is a certain choppiness that sometimes gets in the way of connecting rhyme and establishing rhythm. It makes me wonder if the rhymes and near-rhymes were completely unintentional.

Regards,

E

[Coyote Poetry]

"Liquid from me, liquid from you,
I only want to know the truth -"
I don't like lies. I rather walk alone then walk with a liar. I like how you liquid to make your point. A strong ending to a outstanding poem. Thank you.
Coyote

[Karina Longo]

Thanks for your suggestions, Steph's Script. :)

[KAREN]

Nice job, Love the ending lines!

[Katie]

I love the metaphor you used in this peice. It is very clever. This was an awesome poem. The imagery was fantastic. This was a great way to get your message across. I can not word things nearly as eloquently as Rikkevi, but I think I agree with what it is he has said. You have created a poem that is very easily relateable, it makes the reader want to share their story, which is an excellent feat with writing. And you managed to do all of this in a way that was incredibly creative, and original, which just made it all the more compelling. This was fantastic.