Masked Pain.. (What Are These Feelings?)

This just tells of what i felt for a friend of mine... I still don't know what i feel.. All I Said in this poem is true.. oh and I wrote This around early march.. Please enjoy this poem..

I Met You Online...
You Added Me.....
And I Said "Hi" To You...
You Replied With A "Hey"
And That's How We Became Friends....
We Nick-Named Each Other....
I Called You My "Big Buddy"....
And You Called Me Your "Lil Pal"....

You Helped Me With My Depression...
You Comforted Me Like Nobody Else Could....

You Helped Me Feel Happiness, Comfort, And Something Else...

When We Fought Our First Fight...
My Body Shook...
My Legs Felt Like Jelly..
I Thought I Might Have Faint..
But I Didn't...
And My Heart Pounded So Loudly...
I thought It Might Stop..
Just Thinking I Might Loose You...
It Made Me Want To Cry....
And I Cut Myself To A Bloody Mess, That Night..

What Are These Feelings Of Mine?

The Way My Body Shook..
My Legs Feeling Weak...
I Never Felt It Before..
I Felt It As Fear..
Fear Of Losing You...
I Didn't Know Why...
Then My Heart Raced, Inside My Chest..
I Thought If I Looked At My Chest I Might Have Seen It..
Pounding Uncontrollably..
Way Before, Whenever Me And My Friends Fought..
My Heart Pounded..
But Never Like This..
What Are These Feelings?
I Have Never Felt It Before...


When We Made Up....
It Made Me Feel So Happy And Giddy Inside...
The Happiest and Giddiest I've Been In Years...

Now I Wonder...
What Kind Feelings I Have For You?

I Have Not Felt It Before....
I'm Not Sure On What This Feeling Is...
But... I Do Know That.....
My Heart Hurts When I See You With Your Girlfriend....
Making Me Want, What's Not Mine....

And When You And Her Fought....
Seeing Your Pained Face.....
Made Me Feel Your Sadness And Anger....
The Sadness Of Her Leaving You...
And The Anger Of You Being The Reason She Left You..
It Made Me Want To Comfort You...
To Cheer You Up...
To Make You Smile....
To Make You What You Use To Be...

And When You Forgave Her...
It Made Me Feel Both Happy And Jealous...
Happy Because You Were Smiling And Laughing Again...
Making Me Joyous For You..
And Jealous.... 'Cause I Wanted To Be The One To Make You Smiling And Laughing...
Making Me Angry At Myself, For Being So Selfish..

What Are These Feelings?
The Feeling Of Jealousy?
I Have Not Felt It Before..
I Have Felt It When It Came With Friendship And Attention When I Was A Child...
But This Jealousy Is Something Else...
Something More Powerful..
And Very More Hurtful..

Before I Said "I Love You Buddy!" And You Asked "What Kind Of Love?" And I Said As More Then A Friend.." I Replied And then Added "We're Just Like A Siblings!" I Lied To You.. Because I Didn't Know If I Love You Like That Or I Love You More...

What Are These Feelings I Have?
Is It Really A Friendship Love? Or A Sibling Love?
I Don't Know...
I Keep Asking Myself That..
"Do I Love Him As More Then A Friend? And More Then A Brother?"
But There Is No One To Answer Me...
So I Just Hid Those Questions In The Back Of My Mind...

I Don't Have The Answers Right Now
But....
I Will Find Them One Day.
Now All I Truly Want Is.....
Your Happiness.....
You Always Smiling And Laughing....
Just, You,  Being Happy And Positive..
The Complete Opposite Of Me...

And If She Makes You Happy Then....
I'm Happy.....
If It Means Hiding Behind My Mask From You Then So Be It....
If It Keeps You Smiling Then....
I'll Hide For You..
My Buddy..

Author's Note

I just want to say this is dedicated to all of the "Just Friends" Or The "Almost Siblings".
Thank You For Reading This And I Hope You All Liked It...
also please review or comment me if you liked it or if you want to tell me on how i could improve in my writing... THANKS :)