Prologue
And this is the moment that I live for,
I can smell the ocean air,
and here I am pouring my heart onto these rooftops,
just a ghost to the world,
that's exactly, exactly what I need.
- Anthem of Our Dying Day, Story of the Year.
2 Years Previously…
After two weeks of rain, the sun is finally out and the temperature is rising.
The sun beats down on my face as I stare up at the few fluffy clouds in the otherwise sea blue sky. It's the kind of weather where you can see the waves of heat all around you. The sounds of the jazz band float through the sticky atmosphere getting stuck in the humid air. I’m trying my best to enjoy the sun washing over my body, after all, we’ll be lucky if it lasts longer than a week. However, my thick black hoodie is absorbing the heat and making my body boil. My long blonde hair is sticking uncomfortably to the nape of my neck, sweat beading and rolling down my back.
I roll over onto my front in a vain attempt to escape the suns oppressive heat, but immediately regret it. Jamie and Micha are sucking face again and I’m stuck being third wheel till Lexi shows up. Damn my accurate time keeping skills.
“Where is Lex? I thought we were meeting at 11?” I say as I check my phone to confirm it is, in fact, already gone 12 and she is late again. I love Lex like a sister but d****t if she could just learn how to tell time my life would be a lot less awkward.
I’m convinced Jamie is going to ignore me when she finally lets go of Micha to respond, a feat we don’t often see.
“She’s running late, as per” Jamie points out the obvious with a flip of her hair, I try my best not to roll my eyes at her overly feminine movements designed for Micha’s attention. I must fail because I’m greeting with a scowl from Jamie.
In Jam’s eyes every moment is a catwalk one so she has a constant sashay to her walk, an exaggerated bat to her eyelashes when she wants something and a flip of platinum blonde hair.
Jamie and Micha are about as opposite as a couple could ever be. Even in this sticky heat Jamie manages to look amazing, her blonde hair sparkling in the lazy sun and her long tanned limbs accenting her bright blue eyes. Heads turn when Jamie walks, sorry sashays, by with her long legs and tiny waist. Like a flower she thrives under the spotlight.
Micha is the polar opposite, his features are soft and hidden behind a mess of fringe and spiky hair. Don’t get me wrong he isn’t unattractive just not Jamie’s usual type. Micha is the guy people walk past in the hall and don’t see. Since they started dating they are stuck to one another constantly, and not in a cute way. More of a ‘oh they’re making out again better leave them too it for a few hours’. Otherwise Micha is quite good company when he wants to be, unlike Jamie’s last piece, he has a cracking sense of humour and he’s intelligent. Jamie and Mich are two pieces of a puzzle that just do not quite fit together.
Jamie turns back to Micha for round two when he chimes into the conversation.
“Didn’t you have some old friend meeting us here babe” he slings an arm round Jamie. Seemingly more aware of the fact I am still here than Jam.
“Jesus J, aren’t you boiling in that?” he asks turning his attention on me “I’m sweating like a pig and I’m only wearing this top”
I shrug casually, but can tell Micha isn’t going to accept that as an answer. Thankfully Jamie speaks first.
“Yeah Alan… he said he’d just show up.” she pockets her phone again “and he’s bringing some friend… he’s just been dumped or something” she waves one elegant hand dismissively shrugging at us. “I just hope he isn’t going to mope and ruin our day or something.”
Alan is an old friend of Jamie’s, I met him once three years ago and vaguely remember what he looks like. Slim, gangly and awkward. Alan was a strange kid with greasy hair that hung below his ear and large honey brown eyes that overwhelmed his slight face.
Conversation lulls and again I wish Lexi would hurry up and get here. I can see Mich and Jamie giving each other ‘the look’ and I know I've only got about a minute before they start making out again. Not wishing to be a viewer of the Langley’s latest porn show I make an excuse about going to get a drink and escape.
*****
Every year the carnival draws a lot of people from round town but this year couples with the unusually nice weather it’s heaving with people. I amble towards the drink stand and quickly remember that in crowds like this you can hardly walk in a straight line. I weave in between families with screaming children and older people. I wave politely but move quicker when I see kids from college not wanting the awkward conversation that would go with stopping.
I reach the concession stand with having to successfully avoid people. The queue is long, unsurprisingly, and as I wait I chew absentmindedly on the cuff of my sleeve. Coke or water? Decisions.
I’m humming along to the band when my name catches my ear.
“Damn J, you’ve grown up” he proclaims loudly “Though your still pocket sized” he adds with a chuckle.
The rich laugh I recognise immediately as belonging to Alan and I spin around looking for him. I almost miss him except for the soft honey brown eyes. I feel my mouth drop as I take him in. He is completely changed, gone is the nervous boy with slick hair. In his place Alan is a man confident in himself, definitely taller and broader shoulders. His face is lean and missing the baby fat, with chiselled strong jaw and a confident smirk. His hair is short and spiked stylishly all over the place with tinges of red. Only his eyes give him away as my old friend… that and the skateboard attached to his hand he won’t go anywhere without. He cracks a wide smile and pulls me into a bear hug… he always was too tactile.
“Alan!” I say, genuinely happy to see him as I awkwardly wrap my arms round his board chest. “It’s been way too long” I continue to smile at him as I detach myself and take a large step backward, uncomfortable with anyone being that close too me. Where it looks as though Alan has shed his nervous demeanour, I had never managed to get around my awkward one. I was shy, at best, and terrible with new or unfamiliar people. Thankfully something about Alan has always managed to put me at ease… so long as he's not touching me.
"Aren't you hot?" He glances at what I'm wearing and frowns confused. I'm wearing striped shorts and my favourite Bullet For My Valentine tee that shows off my midriff topped with a thick black jumper. He looks down confused at his own attire as if to confirm that it is indeed hot out and he is wearing shorts.
“I’m just getting over a cold” I say smoothly “I’ve been freezing all day despite the weather… typical right? I’m the only person I know that could get a cold on the hottest week of the year.” I lay on the fake smile for him and when he laughed the confused frown disappears.
"Jamie and Micha are here somewhere... Let’s go find them?" I add moving the subject on swiftly. I start walking in their direction with Alan following.
"She still dating the tiny fella then?" He asks shoving his hands in his jeans, dragging them down to show off lime green boxers. I grin at his question and nod, Micha is shorter than Jamie and only just taller than my 5"2 frame. I imagine Alan would tower over him now, and that thought makes me snigger. I had really come to like Micha he was a good laugh when Jamie wasn't playing tonsil tennis with him, but he could be a bit touchy about his height. Okay, a lot touchy. Last time one of our group called him short he got all red in the cheeks and ended up throwing a textbook at him. It was hilarious.
“Hey Al,” I say sidestepping a buggy “what happened to the friend who was tagging along with you? Did he bail?”
Alan stops suddenly and the seas of people are forced to move around us. The crowd tuts at us as they alter their course but Alan seems unconcerned.
“Oh yeah Rush.” he says and starts scanning the crowd. Clearly the friend was here and Alan had just forgotten about him. I start looking through the streams of people as well even though I have no idea who Rush is or what he looks like.
“YO RUSH” Alan hollers with hands cupped around his mouth. He signals to a lone figure who has his back to us, he turns when he hears Al. Spotting him Rush heads our way slowly. He saunters over with a skateboard under his arm. This I am not surprised by, from what I remember all Alan's friends skate. Rush is wearing worn baggy jeans and a black studded belt, they hang low like Alan's but when they fall Rush tugs them back up over his narrow hips. As he gets closer I can make out the pattern on his tee which is off some band I don’t think I know. I can’t tell because half the name is obscured by an oversized hoodie.
Just as Rush reaches us I’m caught off balance when some guy shoulder bumps me. I stumble backwards under the force, Alan grabs my arm before I can fall over and anchors me to his side. The guy hurries on throwing a ‘watch it kid’ over his shoulder at me. My face flames and instead of moving away from Alan like I normally would I turn in closer using him as a shield to all the people around us.
I glance up to see Rush has reached us. His eyes immediately catch mine, they are the deepest shade of blue I have ever seen almost storm like and right now they are topped with a frown directed at me.
My heart beats slightly quicker when I realise he is probably embarrassed to be seen with someone as clumsy as me. Before I can worry to much Rush turns slightly, cupping both hands round his mouth he yells
“D****E” at the retreating guys back. People turn to look at us and Alan frowns at his friend while my face flames crimson.
“Let’s just go” I hiss, desperate to move away from the judgemental eyes of everyone around us. Alan doesn't move.
“Rush this is J. She’s friends with Jam” Alan introduces me and I attempt to comply by smiling weakly at him. I’m stuck for something to say when Rush nods in my direction and then saunters right on past me. Alan glances at me then shrugs in apology.
As we are walking back to Jamie and Mich I find myself watching Rush as he chats with Alan. I definitely haven’t met him, despite Jamie’s assurances he had come to one of her parties years ago. In profile I notice Rush’s features are chiseled and strong, the plane of his nose is straight and his sculpted lips part when he’s listening. He has thick dirty blonde hair which is spiked up at the back and covers half of his face in a thick side fringe at the front, which he flicks out of his face occasionally. When he thinks we aren’t looking the depth of emotion registers on his face. The grimace on the lips, the slight decline in his shoulders and the flash of pain through his stormy eyes. As quick as I see it, it disappears and I wonder if I imagined it.
*****
We reach the group, which has expanded in my absence. I plonk myself down next to Lexi giving her a long scathing look as I do. I hope the look transfers all the images burned into my head after an hour of playing third wheel. Lexi grimaces at me once then smiles happily.
“Nice jumper” she says so only I would hear, quirking an eyebrow at me. She know. Hell, she always know.
Our group is loud. The chatter grows over the next half hour as everyone gets to know Alan and Rush better. Conversation turns quickly to music, not uncommon for my group, and Alan tells us about the band he and Rush had been to see last week. Enter Shikari are a local band gone massive. I block out most of the conversation, tuning in and out. I find my gaze drawn to Rush who is sat almost directly opposite me.
I have always been about to read people fairly easily. It was a family trait that was almost like a sixth sense. I would know what people were thinking or feeling. I would know when I met someone what kind of person they were. Rush was the first person I had met that I couldn't get a read on. I was fascinated by him.
I’m mulling this over in my head as Rush leans back on his elbows taking a long draw from the cigarette in his hand, he smiles and laughs at the appropriate moments but he seems so far away. Where is he? I wonder.
Just then his eyes flicker up to mine, I know I’m staring but can’t break the contact. His eyes storm quietly as they watch me. He doesn't smile, hell he doesn’t even acknowledge me. He just continues to assess me silently.
*****
As it turns out Rush is a man of few words, most of these words are directly solely at Alan. The day passes away in a haze of carnival rides and stupid games.
As the sun starts to fade we’ve managed to get split up. I’m with Mich, Jam, Lex, Al and Rush waiting in line to get ice cream.
“Shall we share babe?” Jamie simpers rubbing the back of Micha’s neck. I really hate that simper. “I shouldn't eat a whole one I don't want to get fat” she pouts at him.
I glance up and catch Lex’s eye as she rolls them at Jamie’s theatrics. She was barely a size 8 and so clearly not fat.
“You’re not going to get fat babe” Micha says simply as he orders them both something separate.
“What?” he says defensively meeting her eye “I don't like raspberries”
“What are you getting J?” Lex asks me, diverting attention from the domestic happening in front of us.
“Oh I’m not getting one… I got one just as Alan showed up earlier” She nods at me and orders for herself. I glance behind me and see Rush watching me again his face masked with a frown.
As the carnival is starting to pack up we decide, at Alan’s request, to head off towards the car park so the boys can skate. Everyone seems fairly happy with this plan and we amble along the sticky tarmac, away from the noise of the carnival and into relative quiet.
"What is up with the jumper J. Micha is right it's boiling today, take it off" Jamie commands, snapping her fingers at me.
I feel my face burn scarlet as the low sense of panic boils up threatening to spill over. I scan my mind, what am I wearing underneath? There is definitely not another layer to cover my arms.
Jamie never notices my little lies, she's pretty reliable that way, never questions when I skip meals or wear an extra layer during tennis in the summer. I’m fairly sure she's only noticing this now because Micha has noticed earlier and I’m pretty sure she wont give up. She can be a bit like a rohtwhieler when she gets an idea in her head. I glance at Lexi on my right and give her a pleading look, she opens her mouth a few times trying to think of something to say to cover for me.
"J? Take it off you look stupid in this weather wearing a jumper" she makes a step towards me and in pure panic of her forcing me to remove it I dodge behind Lexi. I briefly wonder how stupid I look.
"Leave the girl the alone James.” It’s Rush that pipes up to save me. Rush of all people.
“Why don’t you go back to what your good at and stick your tongue down your fella’s throat” Rush takes a long drag on the cigarette he’s holding. His tone is so bored with Jamie it makes him sound cold. Everyone else is stunned silent, even the birds have stopped singing. I’m pretty sure my mouth is hanging open. No one, and I mean no one, spoke to Jamie that way. She was self appointed queen bee of our group as long as we had been a group and no one ever challenged her. I don’t know how much time passes before Jamie huffs and turns on her heel running towards the building but it feels like an eternity. Mich is hot on her tail “wait up baby”.
Eventually the rest of the group starts walking again, falling into quiet conversations. Rush and me are at the back of the group, unfortunately I’m still stuck in stunned silence, fishing for something to say to this strange enigmatic boy.
"Thanks for standing up for me... I...No one has ever spoken to her that way before" I grin shyly at him and his eyes dance with something. Humour I think.
"Maybe you should then… You don't need to put up with her all the time; she always was a pain in the a*s." He says then takes the final drag of his cigarette and flicks it away. The move is so practiced I wonder how long he’s been smoking. He stops walking to focus the full force of his icy stare on me. Something about Rush is so vital I find myself stopping with him. He crackles with something like electricity while his eyes roam over me.
"If you don't mind me asking... What is with the jumper?"
"Oh… I just don't feel the heat most of the time... Jamie was just being a b***h." I lie smoothly. Anyone else would believe that and move on but Rush just snorts at me.
"I see you J... maybe no one else does, but I do. I saw the panic in your face when Jamie wouldn't stop." I can feel him assessing me still, "I call bullshit on the 'heat doesn't bother me' line." He pulls up long finger to make quote marks as he says this.
I'm stunned into silence, again, unsure how to react to this virtual stranger calling me on my lies. In the past few years not a single person has noticed my white lies. That’t the thing about people, tell a lie and no matter how s**t it is they will accept it. People in general just don't want to see the bad and ugly things. Everyone that is, except Rush.
I keep my eyes trained on the tarmac and fidget with the cuff of my jumper pulling it over my hand and tugging on the loose thread I really need to chop off. I don’t walk away even though my mind is screaming Run you silly little girl!! I don’t think I could walk away from Rush even if I wanted too. I see Rush’s shoes move closer to me, his hand reaches up to skim the side of my face leaving a burning trail in it’s wake. I shiver as he chucks my chin forcing me to meet his eyes. Rush is so close I can smell the musk of cigarette smoke, the tickle of peppermint from his breath and a smell that is sweet and sticky.
I keep the eye contact, afraid to look away. His eyes burn bright with emotion I can’t register, right now they seem like aqua pools and less like the storm I’ve seen all day. Can someone’s eyes change like that?
He whispers so quietly I barely hear him. I can only tell he’s talking because of the tickle of his breath over my cheek brushing the words quietly into my ear.
"See me and you are kindred spirits Titch" his hand brushes over the zipper of his hoodie and I understand what his eyes are trying to tell me. What they are trying to burn onto my skin. Rush is harbouring a secret like mine. Almost like he can tell what I’m about to ask, he moves away with lightening speed. He gives me one last levelling look. To me the look is saying ‘how could you even think of asking that?!’. Then Rush takes off on his board, leaving me stood in the road alone.
*****
By the time I gather myself together and head towards the car park I wonder if I imagined it.
The rest of the day is uneventful, no one questions my clothes or Rush's for that matter, Jamie stays attached to Micha and Rush doesn't say another word to me though I often feel the heat of his gaze on my back. Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking.
After that day I didn’t see Rush again and eventually I managed to forget about the enigmatic boy who singed my soul and read my like a book.
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