Control

I tend to search for control often.

Control
Is fake,
Imaginary,
It does not exist.

Although,
I tend to seek
It’s magical power.

When weakness overcomes me,
That is a time of scouting.

Self-destructive behaviors,
Restricting behaviors,
And rebellion
Are choices I constitute.

The “sense” of control
Brings forth strength,
As if it were real.

________________________________________

mental illness awareness jewelry

Author's Note

Hope you enjoyed the reading. Any and all criticism is appreciated. Take Care! Stay Strong! :)

Reviews

[Patrick Henry]

I think that control is conditioning and "practiced" confidence. It's not as easy as the version that Svetlana gives below me.... the Wikipedia version to why it seems so natural to tear, cut, and stab ourselves until it is measured against the opinions of other people who don't understand it. lol I remember doing hypnotherapy when I had an issue with fire and after I would be asked to draw pictures of my family and other corny things, he would ask me to do this at home: Draw something or find something that has a hold on me and burn it. lol What?! I'm going to a doctor about starting fire, being threatened with foster care and jail, and this f'n dude is telling me to start fires? Control is an illusion. Adapting is key!! You say you haven't done it in a while.... don't do it. The drug Adrenaline is tied in with such things, and when it feeds and feeds, it becomes so ingrained in our lives that we just get used to it being there!! You start to collect your thoughts when you are pulling out a vein or cutting to slide blades and other things just under the surface of the skin for added pain and release. How do we not enjoy your reading of your poems? I Love it here.... : ) I wish one of your friends would comment so we could get a small back story every now and again.... or once, but I like seeing "Thank You", too because I know you are seeing what we are writing. Love your caps!! xxoo -Mark

[Blue Belle]

Where have you seen that I haven't done it in a while? Because that's a lie. I've cut and punched the wall recently and have been more restrictive of food intake. What do you want a back story of?

[Patrick Henry]

Whoops!! A month ago on your blog that you link to on your profile page.... Your quote:

"Cutting doesn't cross my mind much any more. Is it sad that I kind of want it too?"

....I won't bug you anymore. : ) Sorry about that. : ) -Mark

[Blue Belle]

On tumblr? It's fine...you're not bugging me. In your comment, you said something about a back story...a back story of the poem or a back story to the person commenting about the poem?

[Patrick Henry]

I feel like I "messed" with you and that would be waaaaay unintentional of me to do so. I have read you daily for about a week now!! : ) I think you would be very upset with me if I erased all my comments, so I won't do that. I feel bad that you thought I was lying and it came across that way. It's, also, perfect that you call it out because I would have 100% done the same thing. You are incredible. ......not used to that. : ) I can write the craziest things one can put to paper, but it seems once I write to another I see as an amazing writer, I don't know WHY they write like that. Eating stuff..... the ones I know who did, died. I was there for all there habits, pain, surgeries, secrets, and funerals. There is one more "left" that has tried to commit their suicide a few times this year and has torn into their arms to actually remove "parts" of their body when down that far. When you write "thank you" at the end of a comment someone else leaves, I wonder what could have been said. It was only to make mention that I am curious and even though my poems seem that I am able to craft words to get my point across in a certain way... it's not so easy in a comment box, though I try. : ) ...again. "a little whopps". -Mark

[Blue Belle]

I feel flattered that you have been reading my poetry. I would read more of yours, it's just that your vocabulary is so intense, and my vocabulary is much smaller. I don't like reading things that I can not understand. I bet your poetry is flawless. No, I wasn't saying that you were lying, I was saying that if I had written it, that it must have been written a while ago. Why do you say that I am incredible? It is harder to write in a comment box; most of the time I am lost for words, so I just thank them for reading and commenting. You don't have to be sorry for anything.

[Patrick Henry]

I don't know how to talk to people, so I do it through poem. I leave when I think I have said enough to put people in an upsetting mood. Losing close to 70 people that are my age in some violent ways most of them, I can't stand the thought of being a part of another's unrest. Theeeeen, there is another part of me that longs for it, but it is removed from that of what would start off as friendly, like on a poetry site. : ) You are incredible.... I'd tell you, but a phone call will help my fingers from not getting so numb! lol My fingertips "both pointer fingers" look like two drunk chickens pecking at food. : )

My quote: "I am no worthier than the skin I am unfit to live in."

I think my poems allow for parts of me I hate to come across as admirable and designed "pretty". Even the crazy poems are kinda sweet looking. lol Read my "Crazy Mary". All my poetry past the first 20 or so, is in alphabetical order. "C" would be a few pages from the highest number in the list of pages that host my poetry. It's just an easier example of text that can be understood. I hate me, but I meet someone like you on here, and read poetry that is f'n awesome and I don't know how to write that out in words. So, I write the first thing that comes to mind. ....what you see in a comment box. : ) -Mark

[Chris]

A cutter huh? Not an easy road to follow, and in the end you never really had many options.

[Blue Belle]

It is about self harm and eating disorder behaviors. How did you come to the conclusion that it was about cutting? Just curious. I don’t do it as much as I used to. It’s more of the eating disorder nowadays.

[Chris]

Cutting is a method many teens find to (in their minds) take back control of their existence... is more common than many know.

[Forgiven]

Very nice! I can definately relate..... there are so many things we are not in control of... That we are completely powerless over. Today I am so thankful that I have realized that.... the more I let go the easier life becomes! Great job!!

[Blue Belle]

Thanks so much!

[Zap-the-awesome]

We all have some control, but this is true. Good work!

[Blue Belle]

Thanks

[I Am Svetlana]

Control is more of a mental thing than anything else and self-control plays a key role in any sort of recovery. It's hard for a lot of people, but it is possible to achieve. Me, it was tough back when I was cutting myself, I retreated to the blade whenever I felt any level or pinch of anger. I told people I would stop, but I knew it helped me calm down and flush our my rage. Soon enough, I knew I had to control it because i didn't want to end up like some kids, more or less my brother who nearly killed himself because of his cutting. Same with burning, but cutting was really my main issue. It takes time to learn self-control for restricting behaviors and self-harm.

[DaturaBlossoms]

Good concept and wording, however it could benefit from some minor editing. For example the "it's magical power" should be "its."

[Blue Belle]

Thank you and thanks for catching my mistake.

[Ravyne Hawke]

Wish I could relate to this one.. I never feel in control nor do I seek it out. Not even sure what I would do with control if I had it. You did a good job of describing the chase for control. Well done.

[Blue Belle]

Thanks :)