Chapter Four

this chapter has a lot of lyrics, but that just what Finn does. he listens to a lot of music.

When I walked in the door, I set my bag down and walked to the kitchen. I remembered my mom had said she wasn’t going to be home till 6:30, so I pulled a hungry man meal out of the freezer and popped it in the microwave, since I was too lazy to cook a real meal right now. I sat down at the island on one of our bar stools and thought. I thought about everything under the sun in those 5 minutes it took to cook my TV dinner. Everything except my feelings for Devyn, those would wait until I had filled my stomach. Being a guy made it easy to shovel the food down my throat and within 5 minutes of it being cool enough to eat, it was gone.

 

I leaned back against the stool; quickly realizing stools didn’t have backs and toppling to the floor. I jumped up quickly and swore not to tell anybody what just happened to me. When I was back on two feet, I ran upstairs and logged into facebook. I had another notification. This time, it was a like on one of my posts. I looked and saw that my tumblr had somehow connected to my facebook, and Devyn had liked the picture I reblogged, the one that was a set of paint swatches talking about falling for someone who you’ve just met. That was not good. I hoped he didn’t think that post was about him. It obviously was, but he didn’t need to know that. He could be blissfully unaware of my homosexual urges towards him. Realizing how creepy that sounded I decided never to say that again.

 

Reaching under my pillow, I pulled out my journal and started to write.

17 October, xxxx

Today started out eh. I did the same routine as everyday in the morning, but when I opened my locker at school, I didn’t have a note from DJ. It was kind of upsetting, since he almost always wrote to me every day. I know it was kind of creepy, him acting like a stalker, but at the same point, he seemed almost sweet. He tried his best to make sure I wasn’t pressured into writing him back or anything, seeing as I didn’t know what locker was his. He knew mine though. And in a previous note, he told me he didn’t know my combination, he just slid the notes through the top of my locker, just like with the fliers. I really can’t wait for daily doubles to be over so I can find out who this mysterious letter writer is. I keep thinking these lyrics over and over. They’re from the song I miss you by blink 182.

We can live like Jack and Sally if you want.

Where you can always find me.

And we’ll have Halloween on Christmas,

And in the night we’ll wish this never ends,

we’ll wish this never ends.

I really like that song, and it makes me thing of Devyn, since it was the song that was stuck in my head when I tackled him on the soccer field during tryouts. He had such a huge smile, I think he’s one of my best friends now.

-Finnnnnn

 

I always signed my journal entries with Finn with six n’s for some reason. I’ve been doing it since I was little. I got my first journal at 5, and have written almost every night since. I have stack upon stack of filled journals in my closet, hiding under a pile of blankets so when people come over, they don’t see them. If someone from school knew how many journals I have, they would immediately tell everyone and I’d become the laughing stock of the entire school until I graduated! I do my best to keep them well away from the wandering eye, making sure I always have the pile completely covered. I finished writing my entry then shoved the journal back into its hiding spot next to my trusty pillow pet moose. His name was moose, but he was a unicorn. Don’t ask, my grandmother always wanted a girl, so she always buys me the girliest presents she can find that aren’t always 100% feminine. But I loved Moose with all my heart, and would do anything to make sure he was safe. He was almost like a mini Devyn to me. I heard the door knob turn and ran down the stairs to greet my mom from her long day of work.

 

“How was work mom?” I grabbed the groceries from her arms and started to put them all away as she sat down to get off her feet for the first time all day.

 

“It was fine. Just like normal, a bunch of old people asking me to do the little stuff they can’t do anymore. Just tedious stuff I do on a regular basis. Thanks for putting the groceries away sweetie,” She rubbed her feet tenderly as she grimaced at the pain she was causing herself. “I really need to go see the podiatrist again. My feet are really acting up.”

 

“You really do mom. Want me to make you an appointment, since you’ll most likely forget?” I always do my mom’s scheduling, as she usually forgets about it within five minutes. I even write the stuff in her schedule book for her. As long as she has that little book, she’s fine, but the minute she loses it she’s toast.

 

“Yes please honey. You know how horrible I am with scheduling things,” She had a very hopeless look on her face. I sat down, grabbed her schedule book from in front of her and grabbed the phone from off the counter. Dialing in the number for her podiatrist, I tapped my pen leisurely against the marble top to our counter. When the receptionist answered, I told her who I was, and that I needed to make an appointment for my mom. She gave me the available times, and I glanced through her little book. There was an opening in two days, at 2:30, on her day off. I scheduled it and told her thank you before hanging up the phone.

 

Walking out to the living room, I told my mom when her appointment was and that I had wrote it in her schedule book. She said thank you and I headed upstairs to listen to music and draw. I walked over to my computer and hooked it up to my stereo. I scrolled through my iTunes and ended up playing I Miss You by Blink-182. That song didn’t seem to want to get out of my head, so I decided I’d just listen to it.

 

Hello there the angel from my nightmare

The shadow in the background of the morgue

The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley

We can live like Jack and Sally if we want

Where you can always find me

And we'll have Halloween on Christmas

And in the night we'll wish this never ends

We'll wish this never ends

 

(I miss you I miss you)

(I miss you I miss you)

 

Where are you and I'm so sorry

I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight

I need somebody and always

This sick strange darkness

Comes creeping on so haunting every time

And as I stared I counted

The Webs from all the spiders

Catching things and eating their insides

Like indecision to call you

and hear your voice of treason

Will you come home and stop the pain tonight

Stop this pain tonight

 

After the song played, I switched it to my One Direction/Ed Sheeran playlist. I was probably the biggest male Directioner ever. I was literally in love with them. My favorite was probably Liam, since he used to act all innocent, but gave up on that pretty quickly. The first song to play was one of my favorites, Tell Me A Lie. I danced around like a maniac, but after it finished, I sat down on my bed and pulled out my pencil pouch and sketchbook. I started out just doodling, but when Small Bump by Ed Sheeran came on, I actually started on a piece. It was a little scary to look at when it was done, but I really liked it. It was an ultrasound of an unborn baby, but it’s eyes were open, and you could see a lot of detail in them. The baby was dead. There was no life in the eyes. But it fit with the song. The lyrics ended with;

 

You were just a small bump unborn for four months then torn from life.

Maybe you were needed up there but we're still unaware as why.

 

The song made me cry, even if I wasn’t aware. This time, I only knew by the fact that a tear drop fell onto the drawing. The song reminded me of Todd, my baby brother who died when he was 5 months from being born. I missed him so much, even if I’d never met him. I was only 10 when he died, that was back when my dad was still alive too.

 

My dad died in a car crash late one night when he was coming home from work. He was on a bus, when a semi truck crashed into the side. Only 3 people survived, one of which being the driver of the truck. I strongly hate that man to this day. My dad died when we lived back in Wisconsin. Shortly after his death, my mom moved us down to Florida. I was pretty secluded back then, not wanting to talk to others for fear that they’d find out my dad was dead and not want to be near me anymore. They all ended up finding out later when we had ‘Daddy Show and Tell’ and I didn’t bring anyone. I got an F for the day, so my mom had to come in and tell the teacher my dad was dead. The teacher made me go up in front of the class and tell everyone. I was really short for my age, I still am, only 5’3, and at that point, I carried this little stuffed bear my dad had gotten me the day before he died. He was all I had left. I got halfway through telling everyone when I busted out crying and ran out of the room.

 

I laid  back and took a deep, shaky breath. I hadn’t thought about my dad in a long time. I tried to calm down, and when Little Bird by Ed Sheeran came on, I felt a lot better. It made me remember the time I brought a bird home and my mom and I nursed it back to health. We ended up taking it to an animal sanctuary and they set it free for us. They even put a tracker on it so they could keep track of it. I looked over at my clock and realized it was already 10:30, so I got ready for bed and turned my stereo down. Climbing into bed, I fell asleep with a smile on my face.