One Last Look

My last moments with the son I gave up for adoption.

It's now the third day in the hospital and I rose from my bed to say my final goodbye. In pain from the stitches, I slowly got to my feet. I noticed no one else in the room though I'm told there were three others.  I walked out into the hallway and ventured forward to the nursery. Slow paced with tear filled eyes I walked to say my goodbyes.

I got to the viewing window and peered in seeking my son who should lie sleeping. I viewed each one laying so still and so sweet but for one - Where is Dwight? What has happened to my son? Frantic, I pounded on the door demanding an audience from the attending nurse. She came to the door attempting to silence my anger but this was a waist of her time. I demanded to know where my son was and why he had not been brought to me. She paced and would not look me in the eyes. I then heard a voice from down the hall calling my name to be silent. 

I looked and there stood the social worker waving and coming my direction. I demanded to know where Dwight was and why had he not been brought to me as in our arrangement. She raised her hands and told me he was in the room down the hall and that SHE felt it was best for all concerned that I did not have my opportunity to say my goodbye. I stood, angrier now, and told her she would be fortunate to take him at all for that little trick. "How dare you try to steal my last moments with a child I'll never see again? You B***h!" I hate myself for those words but she was wrong to do that to me and Dwight.

I walked down to the room and picked him up as my tears began to flow once more. The worker demanded I sit down and I let her know to mind her own business, still with anger so deep it was difficult to control. I did sit down so I could unwrap him and absorb every detail of the son I would see no more.

As I took his tiny hand in mine and he wrapped his fingers around the first finger he could grab. He held so tightly as though he knew I was going to make him let go forever; my tears erupted. I told him that it was best for him and that parents would be getting the best of all children. I told him not to look for me because his mom and dad would fill his every need.  I told him that I loved him more than life itself and had I the greed, I would take him home now. "But my sweet Dwight, you deserve more than me. You deserve two parents who can give you everything, I can give you nothing. Please don't hate me if you find out the truth of your birth, I love you not hate you so I set you free."

As I spoke my words, I smelled him once more. I looked into that one eye open trying to focus on me and I wept with my son for a moment in time that still lives in that room.  I laid him down and wrapped him up tight. I kissed my son that dreadful day, I kissed him goodbye. With a gentle brush across his face I turned away.

I stepped outside the door and glared once more at the social worker then drudged back to my room. As I did so, I repeated: "Don't turn back, don't turn back, don't turn back. Lisa, it's best for him, don't turn back." Just before I turned the corner I allowed myself one last glance and to increase my pain - I watched as they got into the elevator and seen my son no more.