Starting to Write Again. Day 1

I want to get back to where I was so I can improve. I've decided to try to start getting in 750 words a day. For now it is my ramblings, but hopefully soon, it will give way to stories.

Sitting at my dest with my second daily cup of coffee and wondering where to begin. Where it was 8 years the first time, it has now been 3 years since the last time I’ve really tried my hand at writing. A lot has happened since.

I am married now, with a precious little boy whom I love more than anything even when it’s hard to love anything at all. I am back in school, trying to learn a practical trade that makes more than twelve dollars per hour, and I’ve come to realize that I have absolutely no idea how to connect with others.

In the military, it’s easy as pie. You all went through the same thing, you all have stories to talk about that relates to one another. In the civilian world, it’s harder. You can never tell who is trying to use you to advance themselves. “Everyone has an angle,” as some tend to say and I’ve found that it is true. 

It doesn’t seem to help that I am close to a decade older than most of the people in my classes. It also doesn’t help that everyone is so wrapped up in their own bullshit that they can’t be bothered until they need something. 

I hate my major. But it’s the only practical thing that I can afford. I try to keep the mindset that it’s pushing me out of my comfort zone, but there’s no one I like in that zone. No one I want to converse with. Those people are in writing, but that’s not practical. 

What kind of job am I going to get with a Creative Writing degree? I don’t really want to write scripts, I’m almost certain that I couldn’t pull off a short story if I wanted to. What good is it going to do?

On the other hand, what kind of job do I expect to get with this? All of my focus will be on writing, but all of my classes barely scratch the surface of the skills they promise to teach. Most in this program already have skills working with the applications we are told to use. How is that going to help those who have never touched them?

Everyone here seems to have a bond. Every hoard has made a connection of some kind.. then there’s me.. standing off in the sidelines, making acquaintances and small talk, but never making friends. 

I suppose that I’ll have to go back to my original safety blanket and just carry a book with me at all times. Throwing myself into worlds built by someone else as a means to escape the sadness and guilt of my current life.

It’s my fault, you know. I am the reason we’re poor. It was my decision to keep the baby, to walk out on my job because I couldn’t cut it emotionally, to go to an expensive privately run school instead of a four-year state school.  

A year and a half can't be that bad, was my original thought when signing up. I’m tired now. In order to succeed, you have to be outgoing, an extrovert, and have the time to dump into any and all extra-curricular. Otherwise, you have nothing to add to your resume and no one will want to hire you. I’m not sure anyone will want to hire me regardless. By the time I graduate, there will be no light left for all of the energy I spend trying to fit in, trying to keep my grades up, trying to make sure we stay afloat. 

They want us to have all sorts of equipment. Cameras, tripods, sound gear. What 18-year-old has that stuff? What 26-year-old has that stuff? You’ve already asked us to give up our jobs for the “demanding” coursework, asked us to pay close to $100,000 to attend. What, in your right mind makes you think that we are capable of affording a $1,500 camera and $2,000 of sound equipment. What is my tuition going towards aside from the obscene subscription services that our instructors seem to think make the best teachers? 

I’ve made a mistake in coming here. I thought that I could be outgoing and extroverted. That I would be around like-minded people.. but I’m not. I can’t.

I can’t run the house, do all of the chores, take care of the small one, do all of my homework, and be extroverted too. What baffles me is that the instructors don’t seem to understand that. “Step out of your comfort zone,” they say on repeat. “Network! Get to know the people you’re working with, you might need them one day!” I can’t. I can’t justify the energy. My energy is overspent as it is. I’m not sure that I can add one more thing. Just like I’m not sure that I can justify switching to a program that I may actually enjoy being in.

Author's Note

I'm mostly just venting and getting the thoughts that float around in my brain soup onto "paper," however, if you see any improvement in my writing style that can be made, please let me know :)