Sharp, But Softened Heart: Anya Major

Sharp, But Softened Heart: Anya Major

A Story by Lindsay
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Anya is a cynical, bitchy, & egotistical 25-year-old who drinks scotch & raps to a crowd at a local NYC club on Thursday nights. But deep down, she has a heart. And somebody's bound to find it. Right?

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Sharp, But Softened Heart

Snapshot of Anya Major

 

Chapter 1- Thursday 11:55 pm

“We don’t fall in love. No, we don’t fall in love with another person.”

 Anya waited through the confused reaction of the crowd. She paused with the microphone at her lips.

 “We fall in love with the way that we feel when that person is around. We fall in love with the person that we become, as a part of that ‘us’ that we create. We like the soft glow of our skin over a candle-lit dinner as we catch a glimpse of our reflection in the silverware. We are smitten with our own flirtatious side. We adore our fingers intertwined with another’s as we walk through the mall, parading them around to make our bitchy friends jealous. So, don’t you see? In that way, no…We don’t fall in love with that person. No. We fall in love with ourselves.”

The crowd collectively shifted back further in their seats, each person’s eyes gazing just above the stage. Not at Anya but at that mysterious place on the ceiling where we are wired to expect the answers to lie.

“A better version of ourselves. Or at least for that given space in time.” She added.

Anya took a sip of her drink, scotch and water on the rocks. She barely winced as it hit the space behind her teeth and above her tongue. It tasted like licking a stiff piece of leather. She relished the reality of its firmness.

She replaced the clear glass on the wooden stool that stood at arms length. She brought the cold metal mic back up to touch her lips. She liked the reality of that too.

“If only we could come to grips with the fact that we don’t need that other person to be happy. If some scientist in some laboratory in any-college-town, USA could simply bottle that feeling of being warm and supported and appreciating yourself, in that moment, confident in your abilities, and sexually satisfied to the point where we don’t need to be picking up every a*****e who shouts ‘nice a*s’ in the local bar,” Her voice went up.

It was at this point in the night that her tone always got a little preachy. “If that were the case, then no. No, we wouldn’t need anyone at all.”

She took another sip, to the sounds of 3 people clapping by the bar and a few women at the front, exhaling sharply, obviously offended.

She smiled.

“Bring it home, girl!” Julius, her best friend, called from behind the bar.

She took another sip of her drink.

“At this point if you could….just rap with me for a second.”

A few people cheered from the far right corner. She couldn’t see.

Her voice took on a serious tone with a heavy hip-hop quality. She raised her hand in emphasis.

“In the basement of the skies

Refuted, coupled romance dies

Taken with self-evidence

Dark patterns should arise”

 

“Every time, again, again.

See the pale moon sighs

Neglected, far to touch, to grasp

Avert those inward eyes.”

 

“Who to see and who to tell?

Your secret lullabies?

Hug yourself with blindest arms,

A heavy head to rise.”

 

“Look outward, never hearing

More than your own cries

Attach yourself to “him,” you lie.

Yourself and you you’ve tied.”

 

 “Don’t hide.”

She lowered her voice as she looked out at the crowd.

She wasn’t prepared for the amount of clapping that actually erupted across the dimly lit bar. She simply knocked back her drink and slammed the glass down. An ice cube popped out of the top and landed on the stage. She kicked it with her boot and chuckled to herself as she realized it came dangerously close to grazing one of the women who audibly dissed her remarks not 4 minutes before.

 

“Thank you.” Anya spoke into the mic as she placed it back onto the stand. “Now let’s get drunk.”

 

                                     **************************************

 

Julius slapped another scotch and water onto the damp wooden counter in front of a tired-looking blonde in a white shirt and a brown leather jacket with the sleeves cut off.

“I would say it’s on me, but you haven’t paid me for the last 4.”

Anya sipped loudly and smacked her lips. “Tastes better that way.”

Julius pretended to be put-off. “What, when it’s free?”

“Gee, is it your scotch or your ‘service with a smile’ that just makes me feel all warm inside?” Her eyes widened in mock-amazement.

“Neither. It’s the conveyer-belt of men parading in and out of your apartment every night that makes you all warm inside, honey!” Julius exploded in a fit of laughter.

“B***h.” Anya replied.

“Yes, but I’m your b***h, honey, so you’ve got to deal with me.” He said as he batted his eyelashes. “And can I just take the opportunity to say that your performance was particularly cynical this evening?”

“You can say it and I’ll believe it, but I’m sure as hell not apologizing for it. I says what I says cuz I means what I means, honey.”

“Mmm…speak on it girl.” He snapped his fingers. “Ah, what is it about you that just makes me want to pour you another drink?” He feigned exasperation.

“My classic good-looks.”

A voice spoke from behind her.

“Took the words right out of my mouth.”

Anya didn’t turn around, but rolled her eyes. “Listen, the only thing I’ll be taking out of your mouth will be my…” She spun around. “Mmm. Scratch that.” She inhaled sharply at the sight of this stranger. “I haven’t seen you at one of my performances before, now have I?”

The stranger smiled, revealing a row of perfectly white teeth, behind an array of stubble across his cheeks, a pointed nose, and inky black eyes. “No, ma’am I’ve never been. And you are just the most sinful little vixen I have ever seen.”

“I’ll bet. Where y’from?”

“Alabama.”

Anya grabbed her drink and felt a sense of friendly resolve. She breathed deeply. “Okay. ‘Nuff small talk. Let’s get out of here.” She winked.

“Well alright then.”

She heard Julius call from behind her. “You know you can’t take that drink out of here!”

Anya laughed.

 

Chapter 2- Friday 8:30 am

            The cold wind whipped Anya’s blonde hair about her face as she strode down the busy street.

            “I’d know that a*s anywhere.” A voice called from behind her.

            “And I’d recognize that bitchy tone. I’ve heard nails on a rusty chalkboard that sound better than you do.” She smiled.

            “Why would the chalkboard be rusty?”

            “Shut up.” Anya laughed again as she spun on a heel. “What are you doing out this early, Julius?”

            “I could ask you the same thing. Or are you just out very late?” He asked, pretending to fan himself with his outstretched right hand. “I do declare, Miss Anya Major, you are but a scandal, aren’t you?”

            “For your information, I had a great time last night. Will I call him again? No. But I will look on the memory of last night with fond emotion.”

            “Emotion, you? Blasphemy!”

            “Again, shut up.”

            “Let’s get some breakfast. I was on my way to the club to pick up my tips from last night, but I decided I’ll let you buy me a double macchiato.”

            “Hmmm. Alright, I’ll cave.” She twirled the long strands of her hair as she turned back around. Julius caught up with her.

            When they were sitting at the coffee shop, busy picking apart all of the unsuspecting customers, Julius suddenly dropped a bomb on Anya.

            “Anya, I have to tell you something. I’ve met someone.”

            “Get the hell out of here. You mean here in New York? You’ve met someone? Well, it’s about time! There are only 1.6 million people.”

            “No, I mean I’ve met someone who could potentially steal me away…you know…from ‘the game.’” He clarified.

            “Oh, the game. You mean, wait ‘til last call and bat your eyelashes at the man who most successfully stuffed his crotch?”

            “Yes, like I said, the game.

            “Fair enough. Who is he?”

            “His name is Colton. I met him a week ago at Tom Johnson’s, the new gay club that opened on Friday. We’ve actually hung out four times since then and last night he told me he thinks he’s falling for me.”

            “After only 5 days. Wow, gay love works in timely ways, doesn’t it?”

            “Yes. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I won’t be able to come to your next gig at the club because Colton bought tickets to ‘War Horse.’”

            “Seen it. It has puppets but surprisingly, a tear-jerker.”

            “You don’t cry.”

            “You’re right.”

            “Anyway, I was saying: I won’t be able to be there. But you’re good without me right? You’ll find someone else to pretend to be interested in your raps?”

            “S**t, I be killin’ it shawty.”

            “Don’t do that.”

            “Right. Well, yes. Yes, I’ll be fine. I don’t need your girly cheerleading from the back of the club, anyway. Go see horse puppets. Have fun. And take a photo of this guy. I want to see what he looks like.”

            “I don’t need your approval.”

            “Correction: You don’t THINK you need my approval.”

            “No, I really don’t.” Julius sipped his coffee. He raised his left eyebrow. “You know, there’s a guy over by the milk and sugar that’s been eyeing you up since we sat down. Turn around and see if you’re interested.”

            “Gee…milk and sugar? I’m good. That s**t just goes right to your hips.”

            “No, the guy, you b***h. He’s cute. Thin, muscular, blue eyes…great hair.”

            Anya rolled her eyes but slowly turned around.

                                    **************************************

            The clack of boots announced her gentleman caller.

            “Excuse me, miss?” She heard his voice like a confident whisper at the back of her neck.

            Subtly she shivered before turning nonchalantly.

            “Yes?” She took care to toss her long blonde hair over her shoulder as she cocked her head to the side.

            He was wearing dark jeans and a pair of expensive-looking shoes. The sleeves of his black button-down shirt were rolled just enough to reveal the hint of a diamond watch. She knew instantly what she was dealing with. But man, was the business world making them pretty these days.

            She stared past the purposeful second-day stubble and into his clear blue eyes. “Something you wanted?”

            He allowed his eyes to travel down her long legs and back up to her face. “Yeah. Actually, I was sitting here earlier and I think I may have left my phone.”

            Julius snorted from across the table.

            Anya felt her cheeks begin to blush. She couldn’t remember the last time that had happened. Suddenly, a jarring vibration shook the hard plastic beneath her as the phone announced itself.

            She jumped and reached underneath the table, still attempting to meet the gaze of this stranger’s blue eyes. He seemed more interested in regaining his phone.

            “Looks like this is it.” She offered.

            “Yeah…” He raised his eyebrows as he took the phone from her grasp. He was more intent on checking his most recent message.

            “Anyway, thanks.” He turned to go.

            Anya turned back to Julius, unsure of what was taking place.

            He nodded to her fervently.

            “Hey, um…wait.” She called out.

            The stranger turned and instantly, the thoughts ran from her head. She felt like an empty vessel.

            What was it she was supposed to say? D****t, she had never had to work this hard in her life.

            “I was thinking of looking at some new phones later. Maybe you could help me?”

            Loser says what? She thought.

            She waited for 17 minutes while he considered an answer. Or at least it felt that way.

            “I’m busy later. Maybe tomorrow. 5:00?” He offered, narrowing his eyes. He was suspicious of her. He smelled her obvious bullshit, she was sure of it.

            “Right. Meet me here, we’ll walk over.” She flipped her hair again. She wasn’t sure why. She had never had to go for the second hair-flip.

            He looked confused. “Sure.” And with that he turned and left the building.

            Immediately, Julius burst into a fit of laughter.

            “Okay, I have to go meet Colton. We’re supposed to look at phones later.” He laughed again.

            “I’ll have you know that looking at phones is the new first base.”

            “Right…well, coming from someone who normally has no problem going from the dugout to the major leagues, I’m not so sure what all of that was about.”

            Anya bit her lip and paused to consider. She still wasn’t sure she had full control of her mental faculties. Was she getting rusty?
            “I mean, you bagged that guy just last night, right?”

            Oh, right. So “rusty” wasn’t quite the right word then.

            “Yeah. I mean…but that was easy. This was…I’m not sure.” She thought about his dark sleeves rolled up over his muscular forearms and the glint of that watch on his olive skin.

            “Don’t think that hard, you’ll get wrinkles.”
            “Shut up.”

            “I will. I’m leaving, anyway. Colton sends his love.”

            “I’ve never met him.”

            “Oh, I’ve told him all he needs to know.”

            “Hmm.”

            “How beautiful, talented, and s****y you are.”

            “Mmhmm.”

            “For real, stop. Stop thinking that hard. It doesn’t suit you.”

            Anya exhaled deeply. “Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
            “No, I told you I was busy. I won’t be at the club.”

            “Oh, right. I don’t even know what I’m doing yet.”

            “Another rap?”

            “It’s slam poetry…and I only break that out when I’m feeling inspired. I’m not feeling very soap-boxy right now. Probably just sing a few Alanis Morrissette songs.”

            “Okay. Well good luck. And seriously, relax your face. You look awkward and vulnerable. I almost don’t recognize you.”

 

Chapter 3- Saturday 5:25pm

            Anya walked alongside the stranger with the nice blue eyes. His name was Drew and she was struck by how little he spoke during their first outing together. On the way, at least.

            “So, anything you would recommend?” She asked, unsure of why she had to work so hard.

            “What do you mean?” He turned to her. His face lit up with a playful curiousity.

            She stared before breaking her gaze to answer. “A phone. I told you I was looking at phones. I…we’re going to look at phones, right?”

            “Yes. Phones.”

            “Well okay then. Now that that’s cleared up,” She furrowed her brow. She was extremely unsure of herself. If there was one word to characterize this experience, it was the feeling of ‘unsure.’

            “So what do you do for a living, Anya?” He asked, stroking the angle of his chin as he steered them along the busy sidewalk. He wore a fedora that was cocked to the side just enough to reveal his thick head of jet-black hair.

            “What do I do? Good question.” She laughed as she dodged a hotdog vendor.

                                    ********************************************

           

            She sat with her fingers intertwined with this stranger’s.

            Twenty minutes after leaving the cell phone store, they sat on a park bench on the corner of dump truck and 20th. They sat, not knowing exactly what to say.

            “Do you feel like a hot dog?” He asked, looking deeply into her eyes.

            A moment passed.

            “Anya?”

            “No. Sorry. What?” She asked.

            “A hot dog.”

            “If you do.” She answered. “No, never mind. I…I’m actually not hungry at all. I’m not sure why I said that.” Why did she say that?

            He smiled. It was crooked, probably purposely and for her benefit, but she didn’t care. She had forgotten where she was.

            He spoke. “My apartment is 4 blocks from here. You feel like a glass of wine?”

            She smiled, breaking the gaze she had concentrated on his clear blue eyes. “Now that I could go for.”

            She tossed her hair in an attempt to flirt, not knowing why she had to remind herself to flaunt her best stuff, and followed close behind as he strode down the crowded street. Every quarter-block, he glanced back at her and, after 2 blocks, he reached for her hand. It was that point that she’d remember as the beginning of the end.

 

Chapter 4- Monday, 11:02 pm.

            Anya took a long pull from a Marlboro Red, which was held prostrate through her tightly formed lips. She exhaled sharply and winced at the harsh feeling of the smoke.

            She took a sip from her glass and thought about Drew. She started to remember his smile, but instead thought about his naked body.

            “Why is it so attractive to be with another person anyway?” she asked the dozen-or-so individuals before her. They were hipsters but it was dark and she could imagine they were different. Like her.

            “And why must discussion always travel from the small-minded, vanilla talk of weather, news, economy…mundane s**t no one really cares about…to hopes, dreams, wants, and fears…and as time goes by and silences become fewer, inevitably, spiral into feelings, emotions, and that dark place where we keep our…gargoyles?” She breathed this last word closely into the mic, in a loud whisper.

            “That s**t you know you don’t want to talk about. That s**t that you stuff down inside, you lock down beneath a pile of carefully laid bricks and most of the time forget is there because otherwise you’d be walking around with a s**t ton of pain and concrete over your heart. You know? That s**t that makes you you.

            A glass clinked off to the far right. Someone was suddenly nervous.

            Anya paused to consider this and smiled. “Whose got a ‘for instance’?”

            Silence. 10 seconds more.

            “What’s something you would never tell another person?”

            A gruff voice spoke from right in the front of the room. “I beat up my old man once.”

            Anya took a sizeable sip from her quickly vanishing glass of whiskey. She waved it at the bartender in the back as a kind of signal. He hated that.

            “You beat up your father. Why’d you do that?”

            The voice answered back, “He was beating up on my mom and one day I just snapped. I couldn’t watch it no more. I slugged him one and told him to get the hell out of there. Told him to grow a pair. Best and worst thing I ever done. But I wouldn’t go tellin’ anyone that. Fact, I haven’t told anyone that. It’s just for me, you know?”

            Her smile widened. “I don’t know, sir, you just opened up for the whole bar, and all I had to do was ask. In fact, I didn’t even ask you directly. You could have sat there with your brick wall unscathed and your secret buried down underneath, untouched. You could have finished your Miller Lite and gone home.”

            “I suppose.”

            “So why didn’t you?”

            She heard him shift through the darkness. “I don’t know.”

            “I’ll tell you why not, sir, and I thank you for speaking up. I’m sure your old man f*****g deserved it. It’s because secretly, even if we can’t admit it, we want to share those parts of ourselves. We want to open the door and let the ugly mutated, broken-a*s-looking gargoyles out just to show someone that they’re there. We feel good afterward, but the truth is, we’re scared shitless while they’re out of their cage, roaming around, giving that other person the chance to hurt us even further than we’ve already been hurt. Because that’s where we are truly vulnerable. But you know what else I think?”

            She took a pull from her cigarette, which was nearly out at this point.

            “Secretly, we have another desire, as well. And do you know what that is?” She paused. “For help. Help. We want someone to help us. We want them to see through our problem to the part where it might make sense. Every once in a while, an outsider can get an objective look at what has caused us so much subjective pain and can literally cut right through the bullshit and enlighten us as to what the hell we might do about it. We see through their eyes instead of our own, during these instances, and suddenly our perspectives are permanently changed. ‘You’re right, he did deserve it’ ….’Wow, so I’m really not the biggest loser on the planet’… ‘Maybe it wasn’t my fault she died’…. And so on.”

            More shifting of seats.

            “Hmm,” she paused again to consider. “Recently I’ve come into contact with a person who saw it fit to unveil his deepest and darkest…and after a very short period of time and…shall we say energy.

            Someone snickered from the left corner.

            “I believe his intentions were good and wholly subliminal in nature. I don’t believe he consciously intended to seek acceptance or to ask for help. Nevertheless, this one is for him…”

            A slow tempo kicked up from the machine opposite her on the tiny stage and she took a breath.

            She thought back to her earlier conversation with Drew. She paused for probably 8 seconds, tops. But in that space in time, she remembered every nuance.

            “So what exactly do you do, Drew?” She had asked. Her index finger traced the outline of his stomach as they lay in a pool of sunlight, pouring from the open window.

            He smiled. “I survive.”

            She laughed. “What does that mean?”

            “Well, it’s more than I can say for a lot of people out there. To survive is a valuable thing these days. The survivor is a dying breed.”

            “I guess you’re right,” She answered. She had felt her brow furrow as she contemplated the weight of his words. They were weighted, to be sure, but, at the time, she hadn’t been sure with what that was.

            “So, how long have you been in the business of survival?”

            “Since my life began.”

            “You can remember back that far?” She teased, grabbing his bare arm.

            “March 21st, 2003.”

            She frowned, unsure of how to proceed. “So…that would make you 9 years old?”

            He chuckled softly. His crooked smile returned. “I guess it would. But that’s when my life began. That’s the point in time when I dropped everything, just dropped it all…and started living.”

            “What was so terrible, that you decided to make such a drastic change?” She had asked.

            “You name it. Abuse, poverty, violence, theft, ridicule…and the worst part was: I did nothing about it. I never fought back. And no one evey fought for me. Until March 21st, 2003. That was when I turned things around.”

            She had shivered.

            Anya was suddenly aware of the cold mic pressed to her lips. She inhaled sharply and spoke the words she’d written down after their conversation.

Thought is defeating.

Why keep on beating?

This child,

This adolescent,

Only just teething.

 

Who gives instructions?

For another’s destructions?

Wanting to go…Stopped.

By human obstructions.

 

Regret, poison.

The diet of youth.

Verbal, emotional,

Recall his abuse…

 

His heart wants its justice,

It’s gavel of hate.

Weighs on his soul,

A heart palpitates.

 

Fear, the response.

To his unexpectations.

Dis-recreations.

Incarcerations.

 

Get off.

This merry-go-round of dysfunction.

Descend to the dungeon,

Darkly lit luncheon.

 

All he knows.

Yes, what he’s come to know, rightly.

Prays for it nightly,

His eyes are unsightly.

 

Fault him, Accept him?

Pure, unabashed?

Unrecognizable,

Soothed, unharrassed?

 

A difference.

Damn, what a difference a day makes.

High stakes, Cease fakes,

Late morning tide wakes.

 

New perspective.

Reaching, extending a hand,

A plan, To stand.
Bridge over the sand,

Alone in the clan,

A hand, a fan,

A likeminded man.

 

And breathe.

 

Consider.

Thoughts are unmined.

Heart is a blur,

Too soft and too blind,

Unbidden by time

The sign.

 

Of a good human being,

A good lock and keying

A good way of seeing.

The truer experience.

 

To shutting your eyes.

And exercise.

That muscle, that instinct,

That internal eye wink.

Quicker than minds think,

Brighter than hearts pink.

 

Recognize your fellow life,

Sans misdeed, without the strife.

 

For he is not the first to wander,

Shouldn’t you know?

Ripe with memories in tow.

Close your eyes and bear his blows,

 

And feel.

 

Strengthen,

Lengthen,

Stretched for,

Yanked thin.

That instinct, that muscle.

 

Decipher the puzzle,

Bite through the muzzle,

Go ahead.

Learn you his lessons,

Eternal,

As part of the struggle.

 

She dropped the mic audibly onto the seat beside her and stood. Her breathing was quick. Twenty-three people clapped enthusiastically and one whistled loudly through his teeth. Anya felt her heart rate quicken.

She had felt inspired for the past 36 hours. She thought again of Drew and his nakedness, both physical and emotional. A red-hot heat crept into her cheeks that had nothing to do with the stage lights.

She stepped off the stage and over to a bar stool with an awaiting glass of scotch. She sipped thankfully.

“Interesting one, coming from you.” Grunted the bartender.

“What do you mean?”

“Thought you took advantage of the wounded, not tried to understand them better.”

“Go to hell,” She swiveled her chair to face the tables. The place was already getting ready to face a new act.  “I just say what I feel.”

“You’ve changed.”

“I haven’t changed.”

 

Chapter 5- Thursday 12:47 am

            “So, what do you sing about, at these clubs?” Drew asked her, as they sat at the bar in his apartment. They were wrapped in silk sheets and sipping Manhattans.

            “Whatever I want to sing about. I create my own format.”

            “What does that mean? Whatever’s in your heart?” He smiled devilishly. “So if you were to leave here now, in the state you’re in, you’d be singing ‘Sexual Healing’?”

            “No.” She hit him in the arm. She took a deep sip of her drink and smiled, too.

            “Sometimes I do slam poetry.”

            “Slam poetry? About what?” He sat up straighter.

            “My experiences, the people I meet, things I hate.”

            “You shouldn’t dwell on things like that.”

            “On what?”

            “Hate. It’s not worth it.”

            “It is in New York.”

            He placed his drink on the marble bar beside him. “You know, Lord Byron once said ‘He who surpasses or subdues mankind must look down on the hate of those below.’”

            “So now you’re above mankind?” She teased.

            “Hate is a weak emotion. That’s what that means. It’s a weaker person’s emotion.”

            She nodded, unsure of what to say.  

            “Where did you hear that?”

            He smiled and traced the inside of her arm with his index finger. “I read it in a book...ironically one lying on my father’s dresser.”

            She surprised him. “What did he do to you?”

            “My father?” He asked, letting his hand drop to his lap.

            “Yes.”

            “Everything.”

            She grasped his hand and pulled him toward the bed once more. “Tell me. I want to know.”

           Chapter 6 " Saturday 10:47 pm

Anya rushed across the street toward the bar. Once inside, her eyes had to adjust from the bright lights to the inky darkness inside. The diligent new bouncer asked for her ID.

            “Please,” she uttered as she pushed past him. From behind the bar, Julius waved him off.

She slapped her purse onto the bar and grabbed a mint from the jar in front of her. “Make it a double.”

Julius surveyed her with prying eyes. “Rough night?”

“No. Actually, do you have any wine? How’s it come? Red or white?”

Julius replaced the glass he had been drying with a towel. “Are you alright? You look thinner. Have you been eating?”

“Not really.”

“Hmm. And you want a glass of wine?” He raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t know. Maybe. Whatever you have.”

“How come you’re not up there tonight?” Julius asked, gesturing toward the dimly lit stage.

“I never called Pete back the other night, so he probably found someone else.”

“Yeah,” Julius spat. “Dan Maroney, you remember him? Beautiful boy, but in the talent department: a whole lotta nothing.”

She heard him warming up his strings as they spoke. “I don’t know. He’s alright.”

“He’s alright? What was it you said the last time he was here? Right, he looks like Hugh Jackman, but with Woody Allen’s social skills and Chad Kroeger’s vocal finesse. Yeah, that was you, was it not?” He teased.

“I was probably having a bad day.”

“You’re always having a bad day! It’s who you are. It’s part of your charm.”

“Well, jeez, nice compliment.”

“What’s up with you, my darling? You’re different.”

“I’m not different.”

“And what is with all of this?” He placed a glass of deep red wine on the bar in front of her and gestured up and down her body.

Anya gave him a sour look and grabbed at her plain white t-shirt and skinny jeans.

Julius leant over and rested his head on his hands. “Were you robbed? Did some hooligans steal all your leather and chains?”

“Shut up. I don’t wear chains. And anyway, I just felt a little different today. All that s**t makes me feel a little weighed down at times.”

“Which times?”

“What?”

“When have you ever….Never mind. So where is this boy I’ve heard nothing about over the past week?”

“Don’t even…I told you my new phone hasn’t been working. And he’s good. He’s really good.”

“Are you…Anya Maria Major…are you blushing?”

“That’s not my middle name.”

“What the f**k ever…You’re blushing.”
            “It’s the wine.”

“I’ll bet it’s the wine.”

She shook her head and smoothed her long blonde hair. “Anyway, he’s good. We’ve been together almost every night this week. He’s different. He’s nice. He treats me well.”

“And you’re not freaked out?”
            “By what? Him being nice to me?” She laughed. “I don’t know, Julius…ever since…well, 3 years ago…I mean, you know my history. You know I’ve been treated like s**t. You know how I am. You know what I do.” She shook her head again and took a sip of her wine. “But he’s different. He’s not like every other guy in this city.”

“How so?”

“He talks to me.”

“Honey, in relationships, you’re not usually the talking type.”

“I know. And thank you, I appreciate that, a*****e.”

Julius smirked.

“But, I don’t know…we talk, well…he talks…and I listen. I find myself just wanting to listen to him. He’s insightful.”

“What does that mean, he’s read a lot of books?”
            “Yes. And no. He’s lived, Julius. He doesn’t stand up on some stage and talk about what’s fucked up about the world. He goes out and lives in it. He’s been through so much. You know, he was abused all throughout his childhood. He could have become some fucked-up, depressed psychopath, but he didn’t. He’s a nice guy. He’s smart. And he’s just…a man.”

“Can you say that again, but slower? I think I need a glass of wine, myself.”

“Shut up.” She laughed. “I’m serious. He makes me feel like I’ve been wasting so much time.”

“Doing what? Spending your days with me and your nights with randoms?”

“Being cynical!”

“Again, though, that’s you.”

“What’s you?” A gruff voice spoke from behind Anya’s left shoulder.

“Oh,” She breathed.

Julius rolled his eyes, “Well, look who we have here: none other than the man of the hour.”

Anya felt large, warm hands grab her by both shoulders and spin her chair 180 degrees. The strands of her hair rippled in front of her eyes, but through them she saw his smooth, tanned face and dark hair.

“That’s better. Hello, beautiful.” He said softly.

“I didn’t know you were coming.”

“You don’t want me to see where you work?”

“This isn’t where I ‘work’ exactly.”

“It is. It’s where you lay-it-all-on-the-line, right?” He winked, nodding toward the small stage behind him.

“Shut up,” She nudged him in the ribs. She stared at his piercing, laughing blue eyes and forgot the dim, industrial look of her surroundings. It wasn’t until Julius cleared his throat that she returned to her position on the worn wooden bar stool.

“Uh, Drew...this is my…friend…Julius.” She introduced. “That’s what we are…friends, right?” She asked behind her shoulder.

“Yes, b***h, we’re friends.”

“Okay. It’s just…” She started. “Anyway, Julius this is Drew. My…Drew.”

He chuckled and raised his left hand. “I’m her Drew. Nice to meet you.”

Julius sub-vocalized, “Mmm hmm.”

“Listen, Julius, she isn’t performing tonight right? Mind if I steal her away for a few hours?”

“Oh, a few hours, is that right?” Julius asked.

Anya shot him a menacing glare.

“Yeah, take her. Do what you want with her. She’s no use to me, not tonight anyway.”

Anya smiled and downed the rest of her wine in one sip. “Later.”

************************************

            Anya and Drew walked the dark, yet perpetually bright and unnatural streets of Manhattan, dodging puddles and drunken homeless men. They had been walking for a few minutes without sound. In the distance, a cab was honking loudly, though that had been banned for some time now.

            Drew broke the silence. “So, do you speak everything that you write?”

            “As in, do I use it all for the stage? No, not at all. Why?” She furrowed her brow.

            “Do you have a lot of material written down?”

            “Not material, per se…I mean I have…yeah, I have a lot. Under my bed there are at least 5 notebooks filled.”

            “Of what? Slam poetry?”

            “Yes...and no. There’s some…I don’t know…poetry poetry…some short stories…songs.”

            “What are you going to do with them? They’ve just been sitting there?”

            “Yeah, for the most part. Just sitting there. I mean, what do you even do with stuff like that? I mean, I write constantly. I’ve just never done anything with any of it.”

            “You have to.”

            “What do you mean I have to?”

            “I mean, you have to get your stuff out there. You’re talented. You have a voice. That’s your ‘thing.’ You know, Bruce Lee once said ‘The function and duty of a quality human being is the sincere and honest development of his potential.’”

            “Yeah, well I’m a woman.”

            “I’m serious.”

            “Yeah, well you’ve never even heard me…never read my writing. How do you know I have potential?”

            “I just know. I can tell.”

            “And what makes you such an expert on quotes, and potential, and talent, and of ‘living life to the fullest’?”

            Drew stopped walking altogether. “Because when I was growing up, I vowed to live every day as a direct reaction to how my father raised us…I vowed to get my revenge. And then, at the age of 18, I almost died.”

            “What? Are you serious.”

            “Yes. You don’t know….you just don’t know what your life is all about until you have to look back on everything you’ve done as if you’ve left it. Perspective is a hell of a f*****g thing, let me tell you.”

            They started walking once again. Anya asked, “What happened?”

            “I was wandering the streets at night. I didn’t really have a home to go to, at least not one that I felt like returning to, and I was jumped by a bunch of guys who thought I looked tough. I was tough…I just wasn’t walking around looking for a fight. But they followed me, backed me into a corner, pulled out a few pipes and beat me with them. The one guy had brass knuckles and another one had a gun. They used every weapon they had on me.”

            “You were shot?”

            “In the arm. I got free of the guy pinning me to the ground just in time to avoid being shot in the chest. If there weren’t so many of them, I’d have been able to get away. I was used to having to defend myself. But they fought dirty.” He smirked. His blue eyes looked sad.

            “So what happened then?”

            “Then, they left me there. No one found me for almost an hour, they said. I had nearly bled out. But they got me to the hospital and after a while, I was okay. My life had been changed forever, but I was okay.”

            Anya found his hand and squeezed it tight. “I’m surprised you’re able to walk around the streets at night after that.”

            He dropped her hand, “No, see that’s exactly what I’m talking about…or…I don’t know…what I learned through the years is that you have to live your life without those barriers. That stuff…like telling yourself that all streets aren’t safe anymore, telling yourself you have to be the opposite of your father, or just like your father, or that you aren’t a good enough writer to get published….that s**t just doesn’t matter. That’s what I learned: It doesn’t matter. Do you get what I’m saying?”

            “I…yes.” Anya stammered. She looked for the sadness or the laughter in his eyes but neither were there. There was only fire.

            “Do you want to know what I believe, seriously?” He asked, “The object of life is to live as boldly and as fiercely as possible, without reservation, and unconditionally…to just live.” He looked down at the wet ground.

            Anya smiled. “Your own quote.”

            “Not as good as you could write, obviously.” He smiled back.

            She breathed a heavy breath, laden with emotion. “You know, you’re bad for my image.”

            Drew looked up from the ground to meet her eyes. “Why is that?”

            “I’ve always been anti- everything…. No I’m serious…like literally anti-everything. I built somewhat of a career on cynicism. You know that right? Don’t laugh at me! Seriously…I am the most cynical person I’ve ever known.”

            “You are not.”

            “See there you go again. Making me doubt who I think I am.”

            “What does it matter?” He reached for her lower back and pulled her close, until she could feel his breath on her lips.

            Anya closed her eyes, “Because you might change me.”

            “Why?” He breathed.

            “Because I think I love you.”

           

 

 

           Chapter 7 " Sunday 9:30 pm

            Anya twirled the ends of her hair with her fingers as she strode up and down 8th street. Her boots clacked against the damp pavement as she walked. The night was warm, but there was a cool breeze whipping through the space between the high-rises.

Drew was running late. She didn’t mind, though. She simply strode up and back, past her building, as her mind cycled through the events of the day. What they had done and what they had not done. How they had gone to lunch and for a walk, only to wind up back at his apartment. The things they had said and the things that they did not have to say.

She flipped open her phone. The screen said 9:37. She dialed his number and let it ring twice before flipping it shut. She didn’t want to seem desperate, though truth be told, things like that hardly mattered to her these days.

She stopped walking upon realizing that she was humming. She recognized the tune, but couldn’t place it. Probably something Julius had requested at the club.

Just then, her phone buzzed and came to life. Julius. Ironic.

“What’s up?” She asked.

“B***h, come over. I’m bored and I recorded Desperate Housewives. That psycho-a*s-hoe is going to hang herself and I have to see how it ends. I’ll wait for you.”

“Yeah, well you’ve already been waiting a long freaking time, doll. The s**t you’re talking about happened like 2 seasons ago.” She laughed.

“What the f**k ever. I gots a life, don’ts I?” He sassed.

“I don’t know, do you?”

“Well if you came around more often and stopped schlepping around with your new sex-tracurricular activity, maybe you’d know the answer to that question.”

“Don’t say ‘schlep.’ And I can’t watch stone-age TV tonight. I’m waiting for Drew as we speak.”

“Oh here we go again. Second-class f*****g citizen, once again. It’s the Amistad all over again.”
            “Oh don’t play the black card with me. You know that doesn’t work. And what’s wrong with Drew?”

“Why does there have to be something wrong with him?”

“There isn’t! That’s what I’m saying.”

“No, maybe it’s about what I’m saying this time. You’d better be careful, Anya Martina. Don’t let that beautiful boy change you.”

Anya sighed in exasperation. “You know what, Julius? Maybe he already has. I’m serious, maybe he has. And you know what else? I’m okay with that. I’m sick of being so….I don’t know…I’m just sick of myself and how I’ve been. I’m sick of everything. But you know what I’m not sick of? I’m not sick of him and I’m not sick of who I am when I’m with him. I’m open minded, I’m active, I’m f*****g…happy. And I think I love him.”

Julius sighed audibly. Ten seconds passed. “Well, good for you, I guess. No, I mean it. I think. Good for you.”

She waited for him to finish. Apparently, he didn’t have anything else to say.

“Thank you, I think. Are you being serious?”

“Yes.”

“Because we don’t usually do this.”
            “I know. Chalk it up to the new you. And maybe the new me.

Anya laughed. “I love you. Let me call you tomorrow.”

“He’s still not there?”

“No. Probably just lost track of time. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Okay. Love you too, girl. Take care.”

Anya slipped her phone into her back pocket, but not before noting that, at that point, it was 9:44.

A rolling thunder growled from a distance and Anya felt a few menacing drops begin to pitter-patter all around her. She sighed and trudged up the steps to her building. She let herself in and tossed her purse on the bed. She stretched and lounged across her computer chair. She stared at the screen, feeling much more tired than she had realized. She closed her eyes for a few moments. Two minutes later, she was asleep with her left hand over her phone.

                                    **********************************

Sunlight bathed her face and Anya’s eyes fluttered gently open. Instinctively, she grabbed her phone and checked her messages. There weren’t any.

The old feelings of rejection began to spread over her from someplace deep within. Her heart began to race.

See, she thought to herself, this is why I don’t get involved! This is why I avoid s**t like this!

She paced the room. Her mind was screaming at her now.

I can’t believe I let myself be fooled by someone again. I just can’t believe this.

She couldn’t stop it. Her mind careened toward the ancient memories of college and of Bobby Santangelo. She had sworn she wouldn’t let it happen again. She had found another Bobby Santangelo.

Except she hadn’t.

She stopped pacing altogether and grabbed her phone from the desk. She knew she wasn’t being played. She just knew it. She thought of Drew’s face. Rugged, yet angelic. The eyes that saw right through her. Saw her for more than what she saw herself.

This time, she called his apartment.

It rang three times before an answer. “Hello?”

Anya stopped dead in her tracks. A woman’s voice.

“Who the hell is this, may I ask?” She snapped.

“Ronni. I…who is this? Are you a friend of Drew’s? Or I should say…”

“Ronni as in ‘Veronica?’”

“I’m Drew’s sister.”

“Yeah, he mentioned you. Hi. Is he around?”

“I…no, he’s…”

“He was supposed to meet me last night. I’m actually kind of pissed at him. Is he there? He didn’t answer last night.”

“What was your name?”

“Anya.”

Ronni sighed. “Anya, listen…Drew was in an accident last night. He…was at the market on the corner.”

“Braca’s.”

“Braca’s. He was there and…while he was there, someone tried to hold the place up. The guy pulled out a gun and pointed it at the clerk. Drew should have just ducked down. He should have just tried to sneak out.” Her voice was wavering at that point.

Anya felt sick to her stomach.

“But he didn’t. He didn’t sneak out. He talked to the guy and tried to get him to see reason. Apparently the guy actually started lowering his gun after a while, but the clerk started cursing at him and the guy just took aim. But Drew, for God knows what reason,” She paused. “He dove at him. He was shot.”

Anya was sitting on the wooden floor of the apartment now, hugging her knees. “Where was he shot?”

“In the chest. He was gone before the ambulance could get there.”

Anya felt her slick phone slip from her grasp. Everything was white. The entire room was white. Her world was blotted out and existed only in 2-dimensional shapes. Tears stung her eyes. She felt them with her index finger. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d cried.

 

                       Chapter 8- Wednesday 8:42 pm

Tears stained the folds of her pillows, her blankets, her clothes. Anya didn’t know how much water a person possessed, but she remembered hearing it was something like 97% of his or her body mass. Cognitively, that couldn’t be right. In all actuality, though, she was testing that theory.

It was clichéd, but she felt as though she no longer knew how to be whole. She was feeling nothing…and yet everything. Drew had helped her to open herself up and she had been eternally grateful for that. But she had never installed a fail-safe. She had never planned just what to do now that the floodgates were opened to just about every god-forsaken emotion.

She sprawled across her bed and felt the breeze, ushered in through the gauzy curtains. They billowed with a carefree ease she wished she shared. A notebook perched on a pillow beside her upturned face, but when she slid the blue pen out from between the spiral of the notebook, it felt peculiar. She couldn’t, at that moment, remember how she had always held a writing implement between her fingers. She barely recognized her own hands at all.

She was in pain. She wanted so much to return to her life…and yet she was terrified that she would return unchanged. She felt a tear graze her cheek and took inventory of her feelings. She had gone through something, with someone so pure, that she knew, at that moment, would mark her forever.

She took a breath and wrote the first thing she’d ever written in her life.

 

My hair is blonde,

It’s breezy riding.

Through bumps and prods,

Of rough hands guiding.

 

Front stoop standing,

Caressing the grooves,

But turn, wide-eyed,

The sounding of hooves.

 

A stampede of queens,

And nowhere a bee.

The sidewalks twitch

I’m thrown to the sea.

 

My wings were clipped from lack of use,

I test them, ending the guise.

When those returned, I promised myself,

I’d venture as far as the skies.

 

But gaze outright and bared are stingers,

Comparing the size of the blade.

Likened to a once-feared storm,

Through clouds of lightning rays.

 

My place was deserted

My word compromised.

But notice the fragments,

The scars on my sides?

 

She paused to brush a tear from her eye with one balled up fist.

 

Don’t pretend you don’t recall,

The bite that I once showed.

And don’t condone a stand-still life,

That threatens to forebode.

 

Don’t look at me, just let me in,

This shady race, light-blind.

And let me break the mass of clouds,

You all but hid behind.

 

Retain the parts I’ve gained ‘til now.

And wiser, share my art.

So hold your daggers in, but proud.

Sharp, but softened heart.

 

© 2012 Lindsay


Author's Note

Lindsay
Please: open to review and literary criticism.

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Added on November 7, 2011
Last Updated on May 3, 2012
Tags: cynicism, teen, young adult, romance, slam poetry, poetry, rap, new york, bohemian, urban, inspirational, art, literary
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Lindsay
Lindsay

Laurel springs, NJ



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I love music, traveling, reading, writing, psychology, dancing, and photos. more..

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