The Humbled, Present, "Light" Weight

It rhymes, I know...but I think it works in this instance. Tell me what you think!

The Humbled, Present, “Light” Weight

 

Driving past the interstate,

State of quickness,

Hellish rate.

Interrelated, old, innate.

Quantify,

Approximate.

 

Outside, in

Observe the trait.

Read the tabloids,

Relegate.

Who should judge them,

Chalk the slate?

Assign them numbers,

Funded plates?

 

Ring the bell,

It’s time to wait.

But stop before,

You satiate.

That hunger, fire,

Triumph’s mate

Instead discarded,

Laid to waste.

 

Pull over, join,

Or dangle bait,

For they know not what,

They propagate.

Spreading disease,

By way of hate,

Early ends,

Prescribed too late.

 

Slow down,

Don’t worry,

You calmly orate.

The crux is not,

In that which awaits.

It’s that flying by,

So rich and ornate.

Too close to consider,

Too stock to negate.

 

But drive through from here,

Roads curving not straight.

Through backdrops and context,

Breathe in, smell, sensate.

Say goodbye to the deadlines,

The clock, the nameplate,

And walk in the filth,

Allow cells to hydrate.

 

The water washes clean,

The seeds of ingrate,

Until all that is left,

The humbled, present, “light” weight.

 

 

 

Reviews

[Ron Reardon]

I like this. An adjective filled objective walk through life?

[Chris Lotus]

Oooooo! This is quite different from other pieces ive read. Very creative and somewhat avant-garde to me. I dont know why, but I really admire the stanza structures in this piece. Perhaps its just me lol. I really would like to see more from you! Extroidinary piece!

[Orlando Murcia]

Very different from poems I usually read

but extremely creative

Nice work

[Christopher.Holmberg]

Hmm interesting.
limited text , though much expressed./

[rosanna1120]

In every stanza you use a lot of adjectives or a lot of verbs. Try adding other forms of imagery to make what you are writing form a mentel picture for the reader or listener.

[Lindsay]

Christian M: I'm glad you recognized that it was a "rap." That's how it started out and then I sort of thought it lost that aspect. But as I read over it again, I think it maintained the flow of a performance piece. I can't wait to do more of this.

[ChristianM]

Very cool.
Immediately though of Zach De La Rocha, with his awesome writing for Rage Against the Machine. Of ocurse your rap is missing the f bombs that are abundantly found in Rage songs.
Still though, you made it your own. Great job.

[Markymark]

Usually when pulling such a stream of rhyme, something somewhere appears as forced. I only get a slight tinge of forcing in this piece (for example: allow cells to hydrate). I love a good rhymed piece, you never need apologize for it....the poets of old found a way to express cohesive thoughts succinctly in rhyming pieces. It is an art, that you have discovered not easily perfected. I feel that's why, generally speaking, the masters opted for two or more rhyme words, versus one. The reader should never be wondering whether the piece was built around the rhyme, or the rhymes were fitted into theme....it should just flow, along with it's central theme into the core of the readers psyche. Good idea though, and overall a good and interesting write.

[Antonio Valentino]

Lindsay, this was like some kind of, quick witted, brainiac, rational rap. I loved it! You're brilliant! Oh, and if you don't mind me adding, you're very, acute, too.

Antonio :)

[Emily B]

it does work

I like it very much . . . such nice words in their even rows. Wonderful!