I may have.... accidentally

"I may have accidentally adopted 5 cats.” Grel nervously poked her index fingers together in front of the man. Abel didn’t entirely look mad, but more surprised. Seeing as he already had six cats rubbing up against him as it was. Placing a hand on the back of his neck the blue haired man let out a soft sigh. He couldn’t exactly get mad at Grel, but he only had a very curious question.

“Didn’t we just get eleven other cats from Emil?” He asked looked at the cat girl as her tail flicked back and forth. Embarassed her face turned red and she looked off to the side. Of course she had, how could she let eleven cats go so defenseless. Then when she had come by this litter in one of the towns, they were just so adorable she had to grab them. Abel couldn’t help but to laugh though making Grel a little surprised as she glared at him as he leaned back. “Show them to me?” he asked rather quietly. Grel reached forward and touched his hands delicately, of course knowing that he could read her thoughts she tried to ignore that for the moment.

Leading the mind reader over to the small cut off she had made in their house she stopped in front of the gate. The woman had attached it to one of the stone walls making a pen, stuffing a bunch of newspaper and blankets in there. Five small kittens were curled up around each other asleep. Grel grinned widely, her ears pulling forward as Abel watched her. It seemed like she was really happy at least. He was just starting to worry about the fish. They had just begun to teach the cats it wasn’t okay to go after the fish since they had belonged to the owner of the property before them.

“Well… as long as you’re happy.” Abel said as he sighed as Grel looked at him. Her eyes practically sparkling. These cats were better company then the deity of fear, that black cat had really caused trouble considering Grel had almost touched him too. Grel turned to him fully, leaning forward to the taller creature and grinning.

“Help me name them then!” She said making a fist. She had some idea’s in mind, there were two gray tabbies. A white kitten, and one with a black mustache on his face. The last was a very small brown tabby female, the runt of the litter. Abel spotted that one and immediately dead panned back to Grel.

“Princess Grel?” Abel smiled as Grel started to laugh uncontrollably. Making his face flash up red as he stepped back. He didn’t think it was that funny. After all Grel had brown ears and tail of a cat, so it made sense with that one looking at her. She wasn’t small but still, he thought it was pretty clever of himself to name it that. Grel crouched over the gate as she picked up the little kitten. Awaking her from her slumber she opened her green eyes and stared right back at Abel.

“Do you really think she looks like me.” She lifted the cat closer to her face as it let out a meow. Abel couldn’t help but to hold back a laugh, placing his left hand over his lips as he shut his eyes. Grel kept smiling as she lowered the kitten, the boy straightening himself and cleared his throat.

“To a T she even has your voice.” Abel leaned forward as Grel took the chance to grab a peck on his cheek. Of course with how he was his he was starting to feel a little light headed, his entire face bright red as Grel set the kitten back down in the pen.

“Now we have five more additions to the family.” Abel still trying to recover from the kiss on his cheek nodded his head. It indeed was an interesting family, he hardly doubted they’d have anything other than these cats. Anything that made Grel feel at home.

Author's Note

Another cutie,

Reviews

[Sesame]

Hello Riv,

I have read your short story and offer some suggestions for improvement based on my subjective opinion. I do not wish to be harsh but do strive to be honest. Do whatever you want with these. First of all some general remarks: if this is a story rather than an anecdote, it needs something, namely plot and character progression. At the moment it does not have these and therefor fails to draw me in. Next to that I agree with dan's review, I got confused as well. How many people(?) are there in this scene? If this is just this short piece of writing and there are but two persons, I would restrict myself to using one name/alias for them. For example: Bernie, the woodcutter, the old man, the lover, the father of three, the former heart surgeon and Billy's cousin can all be the same person, but you need relevant scenes to each of those aliases in order to merrit their use. Now for some detailed feedback

accidentally adopted 5 cats. -> be consistent, write out numbers in full "five"

Seeing as he already had six cats rubbing up against him as it was. -> sounds strange to start the sentence with "Seeing as" for it is unmistakingly connected to the previous statement. And next to that it is a bit too much of a spoken expression for my taste, but I leave that up to your own discretion.

Abel couldn’t help but to laugh -> ...help but laugh.

laugh though making Grel -> your use of interpunction could be a bit more exact. Sometimes there are periods and commas where there should be none, other times they are missing. They are in my opinion essential to create a nice flow for you reader. Rest where rest is needed! Otherwise the reader has to go back and try to figure out if he has misread something somewhere. As is the case here. "....laugh though, making Grel.."

“Show them to me?” -> Except for the question mark, this is not so much a question. When I read it aloud a few times it sounds weirder each time. Who talks like this, I wonder?

of course knowing that he could read her thoughts she tried to ignore that for the moment. -> besides the fact that this changes the game 360 degrees, I do wonder why it is relevant for us to know? You don't use it afterwards.

These cats were better company then the deity of fear, that black cat had really caused trouble considering Grel had almost touched him too. -> I have no clue what this means

the taller creature -> creatures? not humans? another game changer! I feel cheated ;)

In some situation you have to ask yourself: which movement/action is happening already while another movement/action happens. The first movement should be the last in a sentence using the conjunction 'as'. If the two movements are not happening simultaneously or not depedent of each other use the conjunction 'and', 'after' or 'before'. Read two examples from your own writing in which I doubt you have understood this principle correctly.

"Abel leaned forward as Grel took the chance to grab a peck on his cheek."

"Grel crouched over the gate as she picked up the little kitten."

“Now we have five more additions to the family.” -> one could argue that it is actually one addition consisting of five cats, but I have no trouble with your current wording.

I Hope this will help you improve. I am sorry I did not think this was a good story, but would like you to know that I still enjoyed reading it. It was cute and short.

Regards,

Sesame

@followsesame on Twitter
www.themagiccave.com

[Riv]

Thank you for the criticism ^^ It's greatly appreciated. This was an entry to a prompt contest back on another site so I can see how it would be confusing. I will keep these things in mind for the future.

[dan]

Riv, This piece had me mixed up. In the first two stanzas you mention he, her, Emil, Grel, the blue haired man, the cat girl....I couldn't keep up, keep my concentration. This is probably a really good story but you may want to check your sentence structuring...for instance, first line in second stanza you write, "He asked looked at the cat girl..." An extra word thrown in inadvertently? It could just be me unable to follow closely enough, this may be a really great piece. Sorry if I am wrong; keep writing, Riv! take care...dan

[Amber Lily]

This is a great story! I must admit I'm a bit jealous of Grel. I'd love to come home and had "accidently" picked up a few cats and know it would be okay. In my current living situation I'd really have it if I ever brought a cat home! (Due to living with people that have allergies, including myself) But I still love cats anyway lol.
This was a cute little tale with an interesting background, really enjoyed this one :)

[Riv]

Well now they have 16 cats xD Grel was an orphan she and abel are only around 17-18 years od age.

[Amber Lily]

Well that would explain one of her reasons for not being able to pass up a helpless cat, she knows what it was like to be alone. You have some great character build.