What now

It's not just when you're feeling down sometimes. It's not just when someone says something awful to you, or even when someone punches you in the face. It was the moment in your life when you started looking at yourself the wrong way. Everything was turned upside down, inside out, suddenly instead of wearing your heart on your sleeve you were hiding it in a little tin box covered in barbed wire and a lock. The key to it, you swallowed it a while ago. It stuck itself in your gut, embedded itself in your skin and blood, because then not even you could unlock that lock. From then on, your world was changed. You're aren't some hero, you aren't some villain either. Maybe you are your own villain but every step you take, every word every thought that happens, it's thrown back at you. You can't stop it you can't prevent it, all you can do is prepare, and when it does come it leaves you crying on the inside waiting for a moment to scream inside your very mind. No longer do you look at people the same way, not only do you hate them, but you hate yourself. "It's not your fault" but it was, "You'll be okay" I know I will, and that's what makes it worse. We are so fragile people are convinced they have to bubble wrap us and place bows all over our minds. In the end there is someone left in the background and we would do anything to take their place and yet, we don't, because we're afraid. We're afraid of the pain we've always felt, we're afraid we might not be able to make it this time, and even if there are the fleeting moments of happiness we feel like complete and total s**t afterwards because we've convinced ourselves that WE DON'T DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. We lose in every situation, we aren't smart, we fail at most things we do. And when we find something, when we find it and make it ours, it's stolen away by someone who simply wanted it and didn't see it as we did. You feel more comfortable in your hole, that dark dimly lit hole where you can cry inside, and then you're called the emotionless freak when you don't show off your emotions. Slowly, ever so slowly, we start to grow into this thing, when you know more than you're supposed to, when you're too smart and too bold for your age but stuck in this rut that you feel you'll never ever be able to crawl, jump, climb out of. We don't have an end, you feel like you could, but there's too many stupid things like fear tying you here, wishing and hoping you'll change yourself somehow along the way. No one knows how you feel, not even people who are like you. Because, we all have that one demon, that is us, that we have to face alone. We'll continue carrying it, until we breath our last breath. We don't want that to happen, because we've gotten so easily attached to our own demons that when we do look in the mirror, everything about us is wrong and everything about them..... is right.

Author's Note

It's not the traditional poetry but all the same.

Reviews

[Willard Wells]

Works and content I like, structure for me personally I don't like it. I think by changes the structure will appeal to more reader. A number of younger people seem to write this way and I see it with those doing RAP style writing. It is always your poem and changes should only come about if the suggestion makes sense to you. For example I would have a break near the end where you wrote "Slowly, ever so slowly" . If you look at this piece you find natural breaks like the one suggested. Spelling an grammar you have to be really bad for me to help. I have my own problems there. Thanks for sharing.

[Riv]

Thank you for the review. I understand where you're coming from, I do see it now that it's been pointed out. I appreciate the critique.

[dan]

LimnoH, A very intense piece but that intensity, those demons of which you write, is present in all of us; all of us are at one point in the continuum that is called life. Most of us can say that our worst enemy is ourselves, and life is all about how we fight through our self-doubt and inner turmoil in a constant effort to locate the peace that we seek. It's the way we are wired; even when alone our minds never stop thinking and that alone time is what spawns most of our self-destructive ideation, our need to feel a warmth that we suspect is forever eluding us. Your piece enumerated so many feeling that I am feeling now or have felt in the past. People often consider "the game of life" to be won by successful social integration but I've always felt that the game is a battle fought with ourselves, and if we 'win' that game only then can we concern ourselves with winning in life, in the social sphere. You are still young, try to reach a point in your inner battle at which a truce can be reached with yourself, then climb out of that cage and fly. take care...dan

[Jamestown]

Well written piece, life is definitely a wild ride and sometimes our inner
demons like to play with our heads and emotions, we have to be aware
of these sneaky fellers and fight hard to nip them in the butt before they
nip us first:) it sounds like you are aware of them so you are ahead of the
game:) Thanks for sharing this thought provoking piece and b-blessed!