Dear stranger

a letter I might've written

Dear Stranger,

It's been a while, maybe not for you but it has been for me. Sometimes, I can't stop thinking about what happened, other times I can't remember even if I tried. You know, I still can't listen to the songs that you used to listen to. Certain things have just been ruined because of the ugly memory I have of you. In the end I don't resent you like I should, and I still assume that it's my fault for what happened. Everyone tells me it wasn't, that it was some form of abuse. But, I feel like I had a choice, because I did, and I live every day knowing I made a bad choice and you did the same. At times I treat the memory like a game, because my life was so perfect in terms of being sheltered. I still remember the nights my mother came crying into my room because of you, the nights you'd leave and how you'd dote over her despite being drunk at times. Yet, every time I look at /her/ face, I see a little bit of you. Your attitude, your gene's and I love her to death. It haunts me everyday knowing I made a stupid choice, we could make all sorts of excuses but in the end it was both our faults. Now your locked away, and now I'm left with the permanent scars that a bad memory places on someone's mind. Some of them are so blurry I can't remember, others are so disgustingly vivid I wish that they would just die in a hole. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I hate how you ruined my life but somehow I can't bring myself to hate you. Because deep down I feel like I ruined it to, now I'm scared of people getting attached to me. I'll spend hours telling myself the people around me don't care, when they do, but then I don't want them to. When someone's down, I have no clue how to help them, and when I can't I beat myself up over it more than I should. I'm nervous about how crowds will treat me, men being near me freak me out, I didn't even realize that until I started hanging out with more guys and my girl-friends just I'm more comfortable around. I have this sickening feeling in the back of my throat whenever your name crosses my mind, and then have the audacity to casually tell people about the incidents that were "your fault". I'm broken on the inside somehow, and sometimes I wish I wasn't but at the same time now I'm more thankful for experiences. No matter how many were ruined for me. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't blame you. You did make a bad decision, you were the one to choose to be in such a relationship with a pre-teen to teen girl. However, I made a bad decision as well, I chose to let you do it. In the end, you ended up in jail and can no longer stay in the US. Only god knows what you would do if this letter ever reached you. Your daughter is growing strong, she has your attitude thanks to you, your kind of meanness. There isn't much I can help about that, and the scars you left my mother. I'd hate you for that too, but see I have trouble hating people, I'm too nice, too scared of being mean because I just feel like s**t afterwards. I'm having trouble moving on from the past, because I feel like you block up my future like a black hole. Things that shouldn't feel uncomfortable to me, now do, thanks to you. Think of it how you will but, it's how I now see things as I enter the adult world. As I write this letter my thoughts come more to light, you'll never get this letter, and I'll never send it. But, goodbye, and I'll never be able to bury this memory thanks to myself and you combined.  

Author's Note

If I would have ever sent this letter to a certain someone, I wonder what his response would have been.

Reviews

[dan]

LimnoH, This is very intriguing piece. It seems like an open letter to a monstrous individual from your past (father?) who has committed unspeakable acts that you hold against him. I find it intriguing because it reminds me of years ago, when I was in a psych hospital. One of the therapists suggested that I write a letter to the one whose actions put me there; not to send it, but just to get it off of my chest. And it did seem to help somewhat. My hope for you is that you can find resolution to this, either by forgiveness or putting it out of your mind and moving on. OR, sending the letter. You have some options to consider. Good luck! take care...dan

[Riv]

Your close. My step father and yeah it was a good vent. It let me fogure things out in my head as well.