Drowning

I didn’t think I would be pulled down to this, the feeling of drowning in thin air. I was stuck at the bottom of a lake, the color of the water was black as well. Choking my lungs, and preventing myself from taking in any air. My eyes didn’t work, and I could barely see maybe a few feet in front of me; like fog covering the plains. I was surrounded by bodies, but I could barely make out the sounds of their voices. Distorted and unimportant; it was cast out from all the other senses that made it even remotely possible to function. It was almost as if my throat and chest were ready to implode on themselves.

The matter of fact was; I was totally exposed. I was in total disarray and darkness, waiting and begging for something to happen. Yet, I couldn’t see maybe two feet in front of me. Who the hell knew what my people around me were thinking; people you dared to call friends. With a sharp tongue I could slip up and slice their hearts in half. That was a possibility I was all too surreal of knowing. Not wanting to continue on, not wanting to even think about it for a remote second. Had I pulled them in too deep; they would perish with the rest of me and at the end of the day the moon was a blood red color in my heart.

I could hear a voice to my left though, making sure it was the only one I focused on. My head would turn towards the source, my eyes widened and fearful. My hand outstretched from my right hand, fingers begging to touch something. Perhaps it did but it wasn’t clear in the darkness if I was or not. Then, I felt a force against both my shoulders; it terrified me and made me throttle backwards. Placing both hands across my ears, I ducked down, clutching my knees closer to my chest in those moments. There was a list of things going through my head, and it went on and on.

Don’t touch me, don’t like me. Don’t talk to me, don’t let me see, don’t let me talk and definitely don’t let me into your life. I wanted to vanish like so many times before, I wanted to just leave like those time I had before. Whenever I came back, they’d all be gone, and then there would be no fear left to feel. I breathed in heavily, I was drowning again and desperately clawing at the surface. Trying to find a tiny hole to fit through; enough for me and no one else. To leave everything else behind, and to not feel anything not anymore. What was next for me regardless.

You are, your worst enemy.

“Abby!” My eyes snapped to, looking up and there they were standing in front of me. My heart pounded against my chest, the worry in their eyes only made the pain even worse. Don’t do that, my mind screamed at me, don’t look at me like that I don’t know how to handle it.

It only took me a moment to realize, we were standing in the middle of the street near Sandia Academy. The sunlight peering down on the black cement, I looked down; how many months, how many years? Maybe it was for the best, maybe the end of the world was a demise too much or too little for me to bear and to even think about what was happening in front of me. I had too many things to worry about and the pressure was like a pin on an artery inside of my heart. The pounding in my chest made it feel like it was going to beat too hard into the needle; it would lead to the death that I so longed for yet so wanted to avoid.

“You need to stand up.” I recalled his voice like a moth to a flame, looking to the left side watchin those cat ears flick upon his head. Red eyes piercing and memorizing staring at me. My breathing quickened and the nightmare from before turned into an anxiety attack. Unable to stop my own heartbeat I clutched my chest with both hands, Hajime wouldn’t save me, no one could. The summer heat had us all at our edge, the lack of food, the endless nights of chasing down and hunting prey. Like wild animals, how long would it take for us to start killing each other. Someone would crouch near me, her name was Tori correct; oh why did I beg for amnesia to clip me even if only for a moment.

She looked worried, the small bunny creature standing on her shoulder. Perhaps I was the one being unreasonable, destroying the little amount of relationship I had with anyone. Simply because I was terrified of relationships in the first place, terrified for knowing someone for so long. How come, no matter how many times I reassured myself, everyone didn’t feel this way. How many times did I have to ask, and get the same answer back. Yet, my mentality wouldn’t ever change. Here I was, waking up every morning with something new wrong with me. With something weighing and eating at my heart. Yet all I could say was, “How are YOU doing?”

My throat is burning and my heart is tensing, and I can’t seem to calm it down.

Author's Note

It might be a bit confusing, this was entirely a vent that turned into a short small story. Feel free to critique but nothing is going to come out of it. I am working on stories though, people just read more poetry.

Reviews

[sereenaoutloud]

I think this is an really nice piece. It is not confusing just a lot of emotions, but i liked it i could hear you venting it all out, well done!

[dan]

LimnoH, It's obvious that this story is filled with a fear/anger hybrid, perhaps concerning your sexuality and the cruelty it probably sparks in other, more ignorant, people. I can't pretend to know how that makes you feel but I wish you the strength to deal with it best that you can. Your writing is very strong, you seem to have no soft spots; your imagery and precise wordplay would not allow me the choice of finishing the read or not (not that I wanted to). If this is indeed centered around your sexual identity I hope that you can take some measure of comfort knowing that there are plenty of enlightened people who embrace diversity of every stripe; there are a lot more people who, like me, don't care about LimnoH's sexual identity, but instead focus on LimnoH the person, making his place in this often-cruel world. take care, my friend...dan

[Riv]

It's not at all about my sexuality this one xD I don't often get bullied or people look at me funny for it, it's probably the least thing I worry about at times even if I do. This was more about the fear of harming others that got attached to you.

[dan]

LimnoH, I'm sorry for insinuating anything wrong was going on. I just live in an area, a college town in Indiana PA (IUP) and even though the college and surrounding community, the inside area with a lot of local businesses, THAT is the type of progressive attitudes that are great. But o older beliefs is not universal. I'll never assume anything you write implies any angle like that anymore. I've very sorry for my mess-ups, but have to own them, and then working to better them and myself. take care...dan

[Riv]

It's no problem at all, thanks for checking out my stuff!

[the writer of woe]

I have nothing to criticize in this piece. It is stunningly great. I enjoy the figurative approach. Keep going and you'll get better!