Chapter 2

This is very very very short. But, it kinda leves you on the end of your chair thinking, "TELL US MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!" lol

     Well, Since I'm still fifteen I can't drive alone without an adault in the car so I had to find my mom. I went all through the house, but she wasn't anywhere. I went outside to look. She still wasn't anywhere! "MOM!" I shouted. Suddenly remembering the pool, I ran around to the backyard. "MOM! MOM!" There she was. Lying there on her back. On the sidewalk right next to the pool.

    She was covered in blood. I tried to find where the blood was coming from, but I couldn't. I pulled out my phone and dialed 911. When the lady picked up I yelled, "Yes, yes my mom! I don't know what happened but I need help! Please I need and ambulance! Please!"  "Ok," the woman said, "Please give me your location"  "5983  Western Avenue!" I yelled into my phone.

 

     While I was waiting for mom to wake up in the hospital room, the nurse walked in and said, "Miss Macey, There is someone who would like to talk to you."  "Ok." I said. Then, a man that looked exactly like me -except for in man form- walked in and sat down next to me.

     "Hello Macey." He said. "Let me guess," I said, " You came to tell me that you're my dad?"  "No," He said, " I came to tell you that I'm your dad, AND that your whole entire life has been a big, fat lie. And, when I say big and fat, I mean bigger and fatter than the world biggest cow!" "What?!?" I said.

 

Reviews

[compositionc]

For you:

Well, Since= pick one again, dove

adault= adult

"MOM!" I shouted.= start new paragraph

[dialogue for doves]
When the lady picked up(,) I (yelled), "Yes, yes my mom! I don't know what happened but I need help! Please I need and ambulance! Please!"
(P)"Ok," the woman said, "Please give me your location(.)"
"5983 Western Avenue!" I (yelled) (into my phone.) Don't need 'em.
Try not to use the same verb twice.

"Miss Macey,"= Miss [last name here] or just Miss

"Ok(ay)(,)" I said.

(P)Then, a man that looked exactly like me -except for in man form- walked in and sat down next to me. (Weird...uhm, isn't she fifteen? You could try saying they have similar features.)

"Hello Macey(,)" (h)e said.

"No," (h)e said, "I came to tell you that I'm your dad, AND that your whole entire life has been a big, fat lie. And, when I say big and fat, I mean bigger and fatter than the world biggest cow!" (Just weird phrasing here too. Does an adult really yell that to their daughter they just found? A little...odd.
"What?!?" I said. (So, all the exclamation and question marks mean nothing to you?)

I think this has potential to be a very good story, maybe if you try cleaning up your Grammar. Good job, though!

[Short.Nerd]

Lol I like the cow thing xD This is interesting so far and I can't wait to see what he has to tell her . Great job!

[MunkeeFareek]

Wow. Rapes, hospital rooms, lies, AND big fat cows? Whatever this story will become, it'll be great.

[Lemon-Eater]

"And, when I say big and fat, I mean bigger and fatter than the world biggest cow!"

lol emily

really good so far

[Lime-Eater]

This is VERY short, but I like it. Any mistakes please feel free to tell me.. Ok um thanks! :)