The Truth Behind the Door

Read "On the Raft" and "Up by the Gate" before this one.

The mother and father of Little Jack called him to the front door. First day here. They seemed so happy to have Little Jack at their home. They showed him around the house, and he was welcome to go in every room, bu the room on the first floor. While Jack was curious, he decided to obey, because he had been given a wonderful chance to be here, for a new start, from his last parents. As the days went by, things kept on getting better for Little jack, but, he kept on getting more curios, and more troublesome. He was dropping glass, leaving the house at night, and even hitting people in his new school. So one night, Little Jack decided it was time to look behind the door. So he crept down from his bedroom to the kitchen, where he found the key to the door. Jack put the key in, and turned it. It clicked. he took it out, turned the handle, and opened the door. The key fell from his hand, and landed on the floor, making a huge clanking sound. Little Jack found himself even falling to the floor, for what was there would mentally scar a child of Jack's age. His parents came running down the stairs, and saw what he had done. So they dragged him into the bathroom and held his head above the toilet. The mother made Little Jack promise not to tell ANYONE what he had seen behind the door. While little Jack promised, the mother still flushed his head in the toilet. The father came back in and beat poor Little jack with a spatula he quickly grabbed from the kitchen. Little Jack knew he couldn't be here. His new parents were worse than his last ones. Little Jack needed to visit his friend next door and get help., make a plan.

Reviews

[AliceBarnes]

Such a sad little story, especially so as I read "On the Raft" and "Up the gate" beforehand! You seem to be very good at making readers sympathize with Jack. One thing I will point out to improve on in the future is to try and cut out bits of writing that could be shortened, for example "Jack put the key in, and turned it. It clicked. he took it out, turned the handle, and opened the door. The key fell from his hand, and landed on the floor, making a huge clanking sound." this was quite a long piece of writing and all the reader learns is that the key is being put in, turned, the door opened and the key is dropping to the floor. Please just let me tell you that I loved your creativity with this little story that you have been writing about but when I review I always try and point things out which can help the writer to improve (So please do not feel as though this is a personal attack and that I hate your writing, because I don't). You could also in future add in more descriptions of Jack's surroundings (correct me if I am mistaken) but so far, the reader's don't really have an idea of what you imagine Jack's new home to look like nor what he himself, or his parents look like. Whilst this could be intentional (since I was able to imagine for myself what I thought his house looked like) I find with my writing it really helps the reader to picture your story and brings the words to life. I am wondering what is going to happen to little Jack next and if he will ever end up in the happy home that he craves for so much, I hope he does, as he seems like such a sweet boy with the way you describe him. I am very much looking forward to reading the next installment of Jacks story and love what you have going here.

[Sasha Jade]

I have to disagree, I think that was a great way to bring suspense to the story. It led into a shocking and mysterious scene and the description of the door opening was a goo way to bring it about. I would even go so far as to expand on it. I'll give you an example:
"Jack put the key in, and turned it: he heard it click. His heart pounded in his head as he took it out from the keyhole, turned the handle, and opened the door. As he peered into the room he felt the key fall from his hand, and heard it making a huge clanking sound as it landed on the floor."