The First Instalment

Teenage boy wakes up late to school and decides not to go. But what else is there to do on a boring winters day? All he can do is think of her. In a pursuit to distract himself he goes out for the day

 

The frozen winter breeze brushed a cross my cheek like the cold hand of a dead relative caressing me with sorrowful love. It woke me from my sleep feeling disturbed and slightly confused. There was a subtle warmth on my chest, it was Margret. She must have nudged the window open while I was asleep last night to come in for the warmth. I lent forward slightly and reached hard to push the window closed without disturbing the sleeping cat on my chest, the window stole all heat from my hand, it was freezing. I took my hand to Margret’s head and scratched her gently to regain the feeling that had been taken by the icy glass. She purred. The alarm clock by my bed read 9:19 am. I laid there, staring at the roof wishing I hadn’t woken.

 

Probably fifteen minutes went by before I was bored enough to get up. I put on my ripped jeans and big green jacket without even bothering to change out of my oversized dark grey t’-shirt that I’d slept in. It probably smelt disgustingly of alcohol and sweat. It was easily too late for me to bother going to school. Mum is usually at work by 5 am so not like she could really make me now either.

I guess you don’t realise how terrible day time TV is until you’re made to watch it. 2 hours of flicking between crappy over exaggerated soap operas, bullshit medical shows, old peoples quiz shoes and 90’s sitcoms. This s**t doesn’t down out any of the f*****g stupid thoughts running through my head. I was that f*****g bored I’d rather watch paint dry, or grass grow, or whatever the f**k. Actually, I hate those sayings. What about those speeches that principals give on the first day back at school. The ones where they’re like “I’ll make this short” but by the time they’re done you swear the seasons have changed twice and you’ve grown a beard. Now those are what really bore me. But now that I’m thinking about it, I’d chose bullshit daytime TV over that crap any day! I f*****g hate school.

I decided to go for a walk. It was almost midday now but the grass was still covered in dew. Man, it was so cold. I shoved my hands deep into my jacket pockets to warm them up but instead found a half smoked joint from a party two weeks ago. Some weird guy that use to go to my school gave it to me. He dropped out though, he was probably 19 now and had a gross wispy beard and dreadlocks. It was the worst f*****g weed I’d ever smoked. It tasted like s**t and had like no effect, it just made me feel sick and kinda dizzy. I took it out of my pocket and lit it anyway, put it between my lips and sucked hard. The smoke filled my lungs and it burnt. It still tasted like s**t, probably worse than it actually had that night at the party.

I walked in the middle of the road until a car honked at me from behind and I quickly moved out of the way. I felt bad about it until I heard them shout out the window “get off the f*****g road idiot” and then rev it way to hard like an a*s-hole. It was a dirty, white, piece of s**t commodore with P plates half falling down in the back window.  I picked up a rock off the side walk and through it hard, it smashed straight through the back window. The car screeched to a stop. I dropped the blunt and bolted.

I cut through grave yard to an old abandoned church and hid there for a while to catch my breath. F**k I was unfit. It was trashed in there. The old furniture was all tipped over and broken. All of the crucifixes were turned upside down. Empty alcohol bottles were smashed all over the floor along with other rubbish and empty spray paint cans. The walls were covered in graffiti but none of it was actually any good.  I found a spray can that still had some paint in it, it was blue. I wrote “#Weedking” and “F**k Scho” but the paint ran out so I left.

The breeze was chilly but it was warm in the sun. I went and sat by a river and it wasn’t too bad. I laid back on the grass and closed my eyes.
There she was. Her long, dark brown hair fell over her shoulder in rippling waves, it was always slightly messy but I liked it that way. Her sparkling green eyes could memorise me with a single look. I don’t know how blinking can be attractive, but somehow she made it so hot. Those baby pink lips were always so soft, even in the cold weather when mine were all chapped. Her laugh rang in my head and I could only imagine that that’s what heaven sounded like. Everything about her was heavenly. Her presence made me feel so calm. I loved the feeling of her soft hands running down my rough chest. I could never stop smiling at her beautiful face, I could even feel myself beginning to smile now, as I laid there. She was so lovely and I didn’t deserve any of it. I never deserved her. She was probably better off now, probably with someone much better than me. F**k that guy! I heard a splash in the river, a bird squawk, a car honk its horn and she was gone.
I wish I was dead. Better yet, I wish I could see her again.

Sitting up I thought I didn’t want to be at this stupid f*****g river anymore. I didn’t want to be anywhere. But where could I go to distract myself from this feeling. I got out my Phone.

“You Busy?”

-          “Na com ovr”

I jumper the back fence and knocked on the window at the side of the house. I felt bad standing in the flower garden, it was so squashed from all the times I’d jumped down from the window onto it. The window slid open and a small hand with sparkly gold nails reached down to help me climb up through the gap.

Ang was cool, her real name was Angela. She was ridiculously skinny, like her bones stuck out of her skin, probably because of all the drugs she’s done. Her bleach blonde hair was ratty and dry and she always had a full face of makeup on with rainbow eye-shadows and s**t. She never wore much clothes either. She was a young hair dresser or beautician or whatever and she had a daughter but the father had left them I think. The kid was probably pretty messed up. I played with her sometimes, the little girl, she was cute but kinda slow. She always fell over and sat there so confused.  When I was high I’d watch her waddling around, doing weird things that babies do I guess. I’d just sit there, pissing myself laughing at her. Sometimes she would start laughing too, which just made me laugh harder. That’s usually what I went there for, to get high and just hang out. Sometimes Ang and I had sex, she was kinda wild, which was cool I guess but also a little weird. I don’t know why I came here today. I guess it’s usually such a chill place, it distracts me.

“Sorry, Phoebe is still awake.”

“That’s cool” I said, sitting down into a bean bag on the floor.

Phoebe was standing in her cot across the room from me. She held the wooden bars and stared at me like she was in prison and her eyes begged me to set her free.

“What have you been up to?” Ang asked while sitting back at her desk with all of her makeup. She opened up a jewellery box, grabbed out a joint and lit it with a pink glittery lighter that was covered in gems. She offered me the joint, I didn’t really want any but I had a drag anyway and handed it back to her.

“F**k all, you?” I asked back while trying not to cough, although I didn’t really care much.

“Eghh, same. Not getting much hours down at the salon, stupid b*****s. Plus, Phoebe is being a sook lately to babysitters so I need to deal with her.”

She walked over to the bed and laid down on her side with her head at the wrong end. All she was wearing was a cream coloured, small, see through, lacy bra type thing that was covered in gold sparkles. On the bottom she wore long, pink pyjama pants with purple and white hearts all over them. Her heater was on but it was still cold enough not to have so much exposed skin. She patted beside her on the bed beckoning me to come and lay with her, so I did. I took off my jacket, leaving it on the bean bag and climbed on the bed next to her. I laid on my back with my hands behind my head and stared at the roof. She offered me the joint again so I took it. I took a long hard breath in and it burned. I started coughing like crazy. She laughed then took the joint back off me and smoked the rest of it while we laid there in silence. When it was done she sat up and put it out in a glass on the bed side table. She laid back down beside me, closer this time and lent over me almost in the way of the smudge I was looking at on the roof.

“What ya thinkin’ ‘bout?” she asked, trying to lean further over.

“F*****g nothing” I replied and turned to look at her.

We started making out. I took my hands out from behind my head and felt her b***s a bit, they weren’t very big at all but were alright. She got on top of me and took off her bra. Her left n****e was pierced with a dangling black crucifix. I thought that was funny, my grandmother would be disgusted. Ang began kissing my neck then pushed my shirt up to my chest and started kissing down my body. She began undoing the button of my jeans, but I stopped her. I grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back up to meet my face. I held behind her neck and tried to kiss her as passionately as I could. Then I slid that hand from behind her head down her chest to her thighs. I started rubbing her c**t from the outside of her pants hoping that would distract her from my other arm reaching back to the cot at the end of the bed. I shook it in an attempt to disturb Phoebe, fell over and grizzled. Quickly taking my hand away from the cot I stopped touching Ang and pulled away from the kiss to look over at Phoebe with concern. Ang held my face and pulled it back to hers slurring “Ignore her” between kisses. Phoebe went quiet quickly. I had to find another way out of this.

 I don’t know why I did it. Like, yeah this was making me hard but for some reason I didn’t want to be with Ang. I didn’t want her touching my body and especially not my dick. No matter how good it would feel.

I reached my leg down the bed as far as I could and managed to knock the glass with the joint butt in it off of the bed side table. It smashed as it hit the ground and Phoebe started screaming hysterically.

“F**k” Angela exclaimed pulling up away from me.

“Sorry, I must have hit it with my foot accidentally” I tried to sound sincere in my apology.

“That’s fine, it’s her screaming I can’t stand!” she went to get up but I stopped her.

“Here.” I said getting up off the bed. I grabbed Phoebe from the cot and sat back onto the bed with her, slipping off my shoes and leaving them on the floor. “I’ll settle her and you take my shoes to go get a broom to clean that up.”

“You can just leave her in there you know.”

“No, it’s okay. I like her” I smiled genuinely cradling Phoebe in my lap and she went quiet.  

“Seems you’re the only one.” Angie put my shoes on, walked over the glass and left the room.

Phoebe looked up at me with her big green eyes, they were so beautiful, just like… F**k, I was thinking of her again. I sat Phoebe up across for me on the bed and realised I have no idea how to entertain a baby. Usually she just walks around the room while I’m stones. I couldn’t even reach to grab one of the toys out of the cot because of the glass on the floor.

“Hi” I said.

“Hey” she replied. She was just learning how to talk but I’m pretty sure that is the only thing that she could say. She pulled a weird face that babies do and I pulled it back at her. So she did it again and so did I. It made her giggle, which made me smile. Putting her hands down in front of her she raised her bum and got her balance on her legs. She tried to stand and take a few steps towards me but lost her balance on the soft blanket and stumbled forwards me. I caught her and laid back onto the bed with her on my chest.  Her giggle was so cute and it went for so long. I just smiled and rested my head back onto the pillow. Holding her close I closed my eyes, I was so calm.

I don’t know how long I’d been laying there when I was disturbed by a tugging on my hair. Phoebe was still on my chest but had now found a new interest in my shaggy brown hair. I unwrapped her fist from the strand and sat her up. Looking around the room I noticed that Ang had come back and the glass had been cleaned up off the floor.

“You’re so much better than her a*s-hole father” Ang shook her head.

“Oh man, No way” I shook my head.

“You’re good with kids” She reassured.

“I have no idea what I’m doing. She is just a good kid.” I said nervously.

“Ahaha! F**k off she is!” Ang burst out.

“Well,” I looked at Phoebe smiling on my chest. “I really like her”

We were silent for a while. I had no idea what the time was. I lifted Phoebe off me and sat up, then gave her a tight squeeze and kissed her on the forehead. She wriggles away so I put her down on the floor and grabbed her a toy out of the cot.

“I gotta go” I sighed getting up and putting my jacket back on.

“Whatever” Ang was never really phased when I left. I wondered if I was the only guy she had come over like this.

“Bye bye” I waved at Phoebe and I began to climb back out of the window.

“See ya” she said, waving back and with that I jumped down onto the squashed garden bed. I didn’t know why I always had to go in and out the window. I never asked. I didn’t even know who she lived with.

On the walk home I thought about how well I knew Angela and realised that I didn’t know her very well at all. I also realised that she wasn’t a very good mother, or a very good person at all. But, I’m not a very good person either, I guess. I try to be good, it’s just hard sometimes.

As the sun went down it got a lot colder again. I watched my feet as I walked. My shoes were so ripped and holey from skating. I hadn’t skated in a while. I hadn’t really done anything in a while. The cigarette smoke burned hot in my throat, I finished it just a few houses down from my own. Usually I’d just drop the butt on the ground and leave it but for some reason today I put it out on the top of a bin and dropped it in.

At home I left my damp shoes at the front door and went to the kitchen. I got a biscuit from the cupboard and ate it on my way up the stairs. In my room I put on my vinyl of Modern Baseball and flopped onto my bed face down. I just laid there, I don’t know how long for but eventually the music stopped and I was listening to the rustling of the wind through the leaves on the trees outside.

Again I found myself thinking of her. This time I couldn’t stop myself. It’d been 2 months since we’d last spoken. I don’t know why it’d been so long. Well, I do know but it was f*****g dumb and I still wanted to talk to her. F**k it. I hit my pillow. F**k this stupid silence. We should still be able to talk after that. After what happened. I wanted to talk to her!

I rolled over and got my phone out of my pocket. Sitting up I dialled her number and clicked call. It rang once… twice… F**k! What was I doing? What was I going to say? I had nothing to talk about. My life is s**t. What if she asked why I called? What would I say? I just wanted to talk? That’s not good enough. I missed her? No, I can’t say that. I just… I can’t say that. Oh man, this was a bad idea. I’ll just hang up… No, I can’t just hang up now, that’d be weird.

And then I heard something. Her voice. It was her message tone, the one she’d made in year 8 and couldn’t figure out how to change. I remember that day so well. She told me to shut up while she recorded it but I did something stupid just as she started. She couldn’t stop laughing. She hated it but she couldn’t delete it either, she didn’t know how. I got lost in the sound of her laugh. Then there was a long beep. “F**k” I realised it was the part where you are meant to leave a message and hung up as quickly as I could.

She hadn’t picked up. I know I had freaked out about calling her but I was really upset that she hadn’t answered. I guess I really did want to talk to her, hear her voice. Was she ignoring me? No, maybe she was just busy or didn’t have her phone on her. F**k, she was totally ignoring me. I’m such an idiot. We hadn’t spoken in 2 months. Of course she wouldn’t pick up my calls. I’m such a dick.

I laid here with my hands on my head for a while thinking about f**k knows what, bullshit really. Eventually I got bored so I rolled over to the end of my bed and switched on my TV and Xbox, got the controlled and started playing some dumb zombie game. It was pretty s**t, that’s probably why it was so cheap, which is the only reason I bought it. I played for a little while, just mindlessly killing mindless humans, zombies, myself. When mum came in I paused it and rolled on my side to face her.

“I got a message from the school. Apparently you weren’t there today.” She sounded kind of mad but not much.

“I was feeling unwell this morning. Couldn’t get out of bed” I lied.

She walked over and felt my forehead with the back of her hand. “You don’t have a temperature.” She sounded confused.

“Yeah, I’m feeling better now. I think it was just a one-day thing.” I awkwardly half smiled.

“Oh, good.” I don’t think she really believed me but she wasn’t going to question it. She headed for the door. “So, you’re going to school tomorrow?”

“Yep.” I cheesy smiled at her. F**k I didn’t want to go to school.

“Good. Dinner will be ready in about 40 minutes. I just have to jump through the shower first. We’re going to have burritos. I’m knackered from work.” She was leaning on my door frame. She did look knackered.

“Okay, cool.” I gave her the thumbs up.

“I’ll shout out to you when its ready.” She began walking down the hall.

“Close my door please.” I quickly shouted out before she was too far away.

“Oops, almost forgot, sorry.” She pulled the door closed whilst smiling at me.

I just smiled back and went back to killing zombies, I didn’t feel like it but I did anyway.

I liked my mum. She was pretty cool. It was just the two of us. My dad left when I was seven. Mum didn’t like to talk about it, she still loved him when he left. I think she still does now. I don’t know. I didn’t have any siblings either. I had cousins. Mums sisters’ kids, they only lived a few blocks away. We were close as children but as we all grew older we drifted. Micheal was like 19 now and didn’t go to my school anymore so I didn’t really see him much. He was kind of like a cool older brother. He use to let me do rebellious stuff with him. Lucy was 15, she was just a b***h now, super bossy and annoying. At school she’d just look at me funny. If I walked past all her friends would whisper.

I didn’t mind being an only child. I never really got lonely, I’m usually hanging out with friends. Not lately though. I’ve been pretty bored.

After dinner and watching some s**t house renovation show with mum I went up to my room and sat at my desk. I got the half empty bottle of vodka and flat lemonade out from the filing cabinet that was meant for all my school work but was instead full of alcohol and weed and cigarettes and s**t I drew when I’m high. I poured myself a strong vodka and lemonade, sculled it and then poured another to sip on. I opened my laptop and searched “How it’s made” videos. I loved that s**t. I sat and watched and drew and got drunk.

By like 12 I decided to have a shower, I was so drunk. I stumbled down the hall, made the shower way to hot and it burnt my skin. I just stood there with my head against the wall and the water rushing down my body. I didn’t even wash myself and I accidentally pissed on my own foot. I think I fell asleep for a bit because I almost fell over and it jolted me awake. So I got out. I realised I’d forgotten to bring my towel which was hung up on the back of my bedroom door. So I just walked down the hall as I was. When I got there I fell onto my bed, dripping wet and naked and I passed out.